Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and disregarding boundaries

217 replies

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 30/01/2025 15:20

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

This

Original poster
TTCagain85 · 30/01/2025 16:33

@luluckylavender not ordinarily, no. But it's recurrent overstepping of boundaries is the issue rather than this as an isolated incident. saying she will come and let herself in anyway, and a general disregard for our wishes is not on. Her behaviour in the past when she's not got her own way involves emotional manipulation and saying she is suicidal.

She wouldn't just drive over an hour and "drop" stuff off, she would sit the full day. She is honestly the most selfish, self centred woman when it comes to her wants and emotional needs. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad and I have offered suitable alternatives. The baby will be born a few days later and she will see us then, so to have Sunday to ourselves isn't alot to ask.

OP posts:
binkie163 · 30/01/2025 17:12

@TTCagain85 so glad it worked out, some parents are just awful but dress it up as support when it absolutely isn't, it is manipulative and toxic.
It will take an outsider/professional counsellor to point out to him how inappropriate she is, as opposed to him thinking you are being mean. Look for one that specializes in dysfunctional family not just marriage counselling. It is very hard to unpick a lifetime of her training him to put her first and she is going to do everything to stop it. Wishing you and baby all the best. X

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2025 18:47

@TTCagain85 - how far away does your family live in comparison with MiL?

I'm wondering if, should he not speak with his mother (as I suspect he actually won't speak with her but he'll let on he did and then there must have been a misunderstanding) - how easy would it be for you to go to your parents place?

Until he sees that you really do mean business about this, I'm really not sure that it will register that this is a boundary for you that you're not willing to let anyone walk over.

Hugattack · 30/01/2025 19:02

Glad you have it sorted for now OP. Hopefully you’ll be able to put some reasonable boundaries in place and DH and MIL will respect them.

Windowsand · 30/01/2025 19:14

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2025 18:47

@TTCagain85 - how far away does your family live in comparison with MiL?

I'm wondering if, should he not speak with his mother (as I suspect he actually won't speak with her but he'll let on he did and then there must have been a misunderstanding) - how easy would it be for you to go to your parents place?

Until he sees that you really do mean business about this, I'm really not sure that it will register that this is a boundary for you that you're not willing to let anyone walk over.

You do realise that threats of self harm are text book abusive behaviour?

The recommendation in such cases when threats are used of this nature, is to contact the police and ask for a welfare check of the person.

Your husband, and you by extension, are in an abusive triangle, and a baby is now being born into this abusive triangle.

I think the above suggestion of you going to stay with your parents is a solid one.

I fear for your MH at the hands of them both.
He has likely been abused his whole life and is terrified of her.

He will likely sacrifice you and the baby to satisfy her.

I think you should reach out for support yourself making specific reference to her suicidal threats when she doesn't get her own way.

As a side note NEVER allow this mentally unstable woman to be alone with your baby.

Start telling family, friends, health visitors and your GP the truth, so that you receive as much support as is possible.

You deserve and need every bit of support at this vulnerable time.

Orders76 · 30/01/2025 20:43

Actually what someone else said could be the case, he appeases you, pretends to talk to her, misunderstanding, oh no!
Are you able to rest on Saturday and have a day out on Sunday in case of misunderstandings?
You do sound very rational which is great and glad you both talked it out, a good start to build on. But I'd be ensuring no room for misunderstanding.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 31/01/2025 12:37

Op you have been so patient and mature about this.

I often feel like mil's are treated poorly on here, but you are being firm with your boundaries and still really kind.

Your mil sounds like a pain in the ass and you have handled this situation with your husband beautifully.

I hope he realizes in time how inappropriate his mother behaviour is.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 31/01/2025 20:50

Ask dh should the mw cut his cord now also..... Bloody sap.

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 20:53

Tell your husband upfront you can't live with a man with such a mother. So he acts now or you act later

MyLimeGuide · 02/02/2025 06:44

harriethoyle · 29/01/2025 15:16

I'd close the curtains, lock the door and ignore the bell.

This one

MyLimeGuide · 02/02/2025 06:46

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 21:03

Well, update. I asked DH had he spoken to his mum about not coming this weekend and he said no. I said I would and he wants to know what my problem is. Went off on one, even when I reminded him the point is we agreed no visitors this weekend and why should his mum be an exception. I admittingly lost my cool, and as someone else put it told him it was evident he was happy to disregard my wishes and piss me off but not her.

I won't be entertaining her on Sunday. I've told him to go and do her bidding and stay with her on Saturday like she wants with no regard for his heavily pregnant wife at home.

Maybe I'm being too harsh and hormonal. But this feels like part of a bigger problem.

You're not being too harsh, stay strong, mummy's boys are gross.

JollyZebra · 02/02/2025 07:09

Whatever you decide, please don't let the woman drive 1hr to have your husband shut the door on her, or you sit inside and don't answer. That's not establishing boundaries, that's spiteful. You need to speak to her nicely beforehand and get husband to collect items before the weekend. I hope some of the advisers above are never find themselves as unwelcome and resented MILs. As Churchill said "Jaw jaw is better than war war" - and the same goes for family relationships.

MyLimeGuide · 02/02/2025 07:15

TTCagain85 · 30/01/2025 13:45

So to update everyone. Things calmed down and we talked about it rationally. I said I get that he has been brought up to appease her and has been made to feel responsible for her mental health, but that as a married man his wife's wellbeing should come first. I explained and used others wording on here (thank you!) that asking to be left alone for a day wasn't an unreasonable request at 39.5wks and that in any event we would be seeing her within the week as baby would soon be here (even though i currently dont want her anywhere near me, i wouldn't deny any grandparent the joy of meeting their new grandchild).

As for her announcing she was coming up and would let herself in, I said to him does he not see how inappropriate that is that a more appropriate response would be "when might suit".

The upshot is, he has agreed to speak with her. I've warned him she will likely turn on the waterworks to him and claim she's depressed, and reminded him she has her own husband to rely on to not put her well being above mine, particularly in what should be a time of nesting and excitement. For anyone who has gone through pregnancy after loss, it's a hybrid of heightened and difficult emotions at the best of times without MIL wanting to be put first.

Long term for us, I've suggested marriage counselling as this power struggle is not something I want to continually deal with. I've told him if he ever feels I'm putting my birth family before him to call me out, as we should always put our created family first.

Thanks for all the help and reassurance.

So glad he has seen sense :-) stay strong x

SuperSleepyBaby · 02/02/2025 07:20

Does your husband agree his relationship is enmeshed? Does his relationship with his mother cause problems for him - apart from the issues it creates for you? Sometimes people don’t fully see that the relationship is not normal

Skodacool · 02/02/2025 07:24

JollyZebra · 02/02/2025 07:09

Whatever you decide, please don't let the woman drive 1hr to have your husband shut the door on her, or you sit inside and don't answer. That's not establishing boundaries, that's spiteful. You need to speak to her nicely beforehand and get husband to collect items before the weekend. I hope some of the advisers above are never find themselves as unwelcome and resented MILs. As Churchill said "Jaw jaw is better than war war" - and the same goes for family relationships.

You obviously haven’t understood OP’s posts. MIL is not unwelcome. She’s welcome within OP’s boundaries, but she’s determined to ignore those boundaries. OP has tried jaw jaw but it’s been ignored. If this doesn’t get sorted now these problems will continue when the baby is born. Are you saying that you would behave in the same way as MIL?

StaxAttacks · 02/02/2025 07:24

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

That bit isn’t awful, it’s using it as a wedge for a 5-6 hour visit.

Griff1963 · 02/02/2025 07:33

The truth will set you free!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/02/2025 07:46

JollyZebra · 02/02/2025 07:09

Whatever you decide, please don't let the woman drive 1hr to have your husband shut the door on her, or you sit inside and don't answer. That's not establishing boundaries, that's spiteful. You need to speak to her nicely beforehand and get husband to collect items before the weekend. I hope some of the advisers above are never find themselves as unwelcome and resented MILs. As Churchill said "Jaw jaw is better than war war" - and the same goes for family relationships.

Did you miss the bit where she threatens her own son that she will commit suicide if he doesn’t give in to what she wants? This is bloody abusive and if she chose to ignore that she wasn’t welcome, that’s her shout.

Ihavenopatienceforthis · 02/02/2025 07:51

Im Just commenting because I need to know if she turns up today

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 02/02/2025 07:54

Take her key off her or change the locks and only give a set to your parents. If she let's herself in when she's been expressly told not to shes going to drive you fuxking potty when you have the baby

ehb102 · 02/02/2025 08:01

Any time someone threatens to kill themselves it is game over for mature conversation. They now have the ultimate abusive trump card. When someone does that you have to refuse to play any more and insist they get help otherwise they have the power forever.

ClearHoldBuild · 02/02/2025 08:01

But you don’t have plans. Apart from “relaxing”. I can’t imagine telling my parents or in-laws that they weren’t welcome if I had nothing on.

Imisschampagne · 02/02/2025 08:04

Boomer55 · 29/01/2025 16:57

This. 🙄

Show quote history

So what? A no is a no. Boundary stomping with good intentions is still boundary stomping. And people who consistently think their good intentions trump other people’s wishes care more about their own „charity“ than what their good intentions actually does with the other person. It’s beneficial only to the giver.

Don‘t know why this is being encouraged here.

BadlyDrawnRoy · 02/02/2025 08:06

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

If that's the case, she'll be happy to drop them at the door and get on her way, given that she's already been told that the OP and her DH don't want visitors....