MIL and disregarding boundaries

[TTCagain85]

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

You're not wasting her journey.

She's choosing to waste her own journey.

And change your locks or get a bolt on the inside.

Have been through this with my MIL - my DH did in fact speak to her, multiple times, and that just resulted in her crying and doing it anyway.

The only way to get past this is not open the door. If we haven’t invited her over and she turns up, then the door doesn’t get answered. It sounds awful and cold but it’s worked.

@stastayathomer completely agree, and I am very family orientated and accommodating to both sets of parents. Most of our Sundays are spent visiting family.

This is one weekend we both agreed was for us; my family live nearby and previously had a tendency to call in unannounced albeit for 5/10mins not hours, but I've put a stop to that as I wouldn't want double standards having one rule for my side and one rule for his.

Calling my DH a useless tosser is a bit much, he is an only child who has grown up with a mentally unstable manipulative mother. Whilst I agree he needs to stand up for me, you can see how it is difficult for him. And it is his mother, and as he is an only child i dont want long term animosity I will speak to him and suggest I message her but that in no circumstances will she be welcomed into our home this weekend.

What is it she wants to drop off? How much of an excuse is it?
How many emergencies have you ever had whereby she, an hour away, could be any practical use?
Leave a key in the lock so she can't get in and go out/hide upstairs. If your DH resists and says, "oh we HAVE to let her in," fix him with an evil eye and ask which of the two of you he wants to spend the rest of his life having sex with and to make a careful choice as a 39-weeks-pregnant woman is NOT to be messed with.

I think your husband needs counselling so he can learn some techniques to use with her. Also, get a bolt fitted. If she does turn up and keeps ringing the bell, make sure you answer it and just keep repeating that it's not convenient.

Agreed

This is not an emergency.

An emergency is when you get a phone call from a neighbour saying there is smoke coming out of the windows or water flowing down the street from your front door or something equally terrible.

This is not an emergency.

Remind him and her what an emergency really is.

Do you have a key to her place? For emergencies??

I just don’t understand why people do this? Is it a generational thing? both my parents and in laws have done similar. It seems so unbelievably rude and entitled to go over someone’s head when they’ve said no. I expect she still views you both as children and expects you to do as she says. Crazy behaviour. I can’t imagine treating a DIL like this.

@TTCagain85 YANBU!

Use the chain on the door if you have one, or if not put something against the door that will cause a noise if she opens it.

I'd refused to get dressed on Sunday too. Just naughty knickers and a dressing gown. If she turns up tell her you and DH are very "busy".

Lol at the naughty knickers 🤣 if I had any to fit my heavily pregnant arse I might be tempted 😅

no it is not generational please give over with the ageist crap

I'm the opposite with my kids. I preface pretty much every invitation or question about their availability with a 'no pressure' or similar. I'm terrified of being unwelcome or needy.

There's no way in a million years that is turn up when they'd said they have other plans. And yep, I have a key but wouldn't dream of using it without checking with them first.

You don’t need to barricade yourself in your own home or go out if you don’t want to or sit upstairs like a naughty child while your MIL dictates what happens in your house.

i think you should explain to dh why this affects you and how it makes you feel. It is ridiculous that a heavily pregnant woman is even thinking about hiding upstairs IN HER OWN HOME! Wanting some alone time when you are 39 weeks pregnant is self care. That is important. I’m suspecting that this is not the only time you feel that your boundaries have been over stepped. You don’t need to explain how this makes you feel to your mil because you don’t owe her anything (and you’d probably be wasting your time anyway).

It may be helpful explaining in detail how her behaviour makes you feel to dh. Not just saying that you are annoyed but explain the impact that this on your mental health. Being treated like a child in your own home and being denied things you need like personal space, time to recharge, etc are all things I know have big impacts on my stress and anxiety levels. He’s getting a lot of flak here for not standing up to his mum but he has grown up with her. He possibly doesn’t realise how odd or difficult her behaviour is because it is all he has known. It might not have ever occurred to him that there is another way. To be honest at 39 weeks pregnant he should be running round doing whatever you want but I think this problem sounds like something more permanent.

also a lot of posters are on the view that one visit is not a big deal. I suspect this might be the sort of language that mil uses. Just and only. If it’s not a big deal, or if it just this or only that then mil won’t lose much by conceding to a respectful request.

i hope you find a way through this. She sounds like a massive bell end to me. But good luck with birth too.

If I were in your shoes, knowing what is about to happen and that you'll need your space to recover from childbirth, I'd be telling (not having a conversation with him, actually telling him directly) my DH that I'm implementing new rules around who can and can't visit once the child is born and what they have to do. This is applied to both sides of the family so there is ZERO favouritism going on.

Firstly, they don't drop by. No one drops by. They phone to find out if it is a good time or when the next 'good time' to see you and the baby would be.

Next, no one and you mean absolutely no one outside of him and you have a key to your house. You are going to order a key safe and install it outside so that if a day ever comes and you find yourselves locked out, you'll have a way to get back in without having to phone relatives to come to your aid.

Lastly - grandparents may have an opinion on how things should be done, but that's all it is, an opinion and just like arses, everyone has one. You and your DH are going to make whatever mistakes you are going to make with your new baby as you'll learn not to make them again. This goes for baby names, to picking schools to anything to do with your child. You and your DH decide.

That's pretty much it for the time being. You will review how these new house rules are going in a while but they are being implemented with immediate effect. They're reasonable and if anyone kicks back then (imo) they are the unreasonable ones.

@TTCagain85 and take that doorkey away from her!!! she only very occasionally stays at your house so she has no need for it. she is too far for emergencies so again she has no need for it! get on the phone tonight to your fil and demand that they do not turn up at your door because you are needing a break from people altogether!!! and tell your weakling of a husband that you are doing all of the above!!!!

You have to change the lock before baby arrives or she'll be in and out even more.
No time like the present, before Sunday, and away off on a lovely day out.
If that makes you feel bad tell her you'll be out and drop it on step. Do not mention the lock change.
If you see family regularly, then they should listen better when you say no.

Open the door naked and scream FUCK OFF

You're heavily pregnant, now is the time to have a sudden flush of extra hormones

You need to stop this before baby is here, there's loads of times you'll be home but not up for visitors.

I found when I said to my OH either you need to tell her tjis or I will be sending this (insert blunt message), suddenly he was all about having a softly softly phone call from him.

Having read your updates. I'd text her to make clear not to come and then leave your key in the door.

If you roll over on this she will likely only get worse when baby is here.

Just lock the door and leave the key in your side...
Go to an upstairs window and tell her you are in bed.....
Your dh needs to be the grown up. He sounds like he needs a boot up the arse into manhood...

Be out. It's a shame you'll lose the relaxing day at home you wanted but it'll be worth it to stop her doing it again (which it probably will, if she's had a wasted journey). Act dumb when she complains. "Huh? But we told you we had plans over the weekend." You never got her message saying she was coming anyway, etc. Should do the trick. Plan something fun to do with the day.

I'd fuck off out.

I'd also change the locks.

I have told you we are not hosting visitors this weekend. If you turn up and let yourself in I will take your key off you and send you back home. Please don’t put yourself in that position