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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and disregarding boundaries

217 replies

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 29/01/2025 18:04

Redcandlescandal · 29/01/2025 18:03

Why the fuck does she have a key?

Second this^

Change the locks!

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 18:05

I second changing the locks - this is going to be a major problem for you once the baby is here - you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH about whether he is a son, or a husband and father

goingtotown · 29/01/2025 18:09

Change the lock & be out on Sunday.

pelargoniums · 29/01/2025 18:10

Change the locks as a new baby gift to yourself.

godmum56 · 29/01/2025 18:11

or be in on sunday, meet her at the door and remove her key then shut the door.

binkie163 · 29/01/2025 18:12

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 18:05

I second changing the locks - this is going to be a major problem for you once the baby is here - you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH about whether he is a son, or a husband and father

Yep take key back or change locks. I honestly think being polite to pushy people is pointless, there is no pain free way of dealing with them except complete capitulation to their wants. It is your home not hers put a chain on the door so she can't let herself in until locks changed.

knowsmorethansnow · 29/01/2025 18:12

Change the locks and tell her after.

FUBAR77 · 29/01/2025 18:12

Really feel for you OP, she sounds insufferable and more so as your DH is a wet blanket!

I would probably send something like:

MIL, as Ive explained we are not accepting any visitors, with what you know we have been through to get to where we are now I would appreciate your understanding in why this weekend is a non negotiable- we need our last weekend before the baby arrives to ourselves to recoup. I don’t wish for you to have a wasted journey, but if you insist on dropping off x item you may leave it at the door and we’ll get it when we’re ready.

If possible I’d send it as a group message so youre showing DH is onboard with what you’re saying.

Original poster
TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 18:15

Both our parents have a key for emergencies, or his parents occasionally stay at our house when we are on holidays (prearranged) as we live beside the sea.

OP posts:
Truth25 · 29/01/2025 18:18

Just be rude and firm with her, if she doesn't like you what did you really lose? Your husband clearly doesn't care about your feelings so don't place his above your own. She needs to be put in her place before the baby arrive else she is going to be a nightmare.

Original poster
TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 18:22

I agree @Truth25 ... I need to grow some balls of my own 🤣 I guess I've always been brought up to respect my elders, but there is such a clear lack of reciprocal respect that what have I got to lose.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 18:25

You could say Sorry MIL but we're busy all day Sunday so we won't be able to see you if you come then and it will be a wasted journey for you. Please bring the things round on Wednesday morning as we suggested. You don't have to explain that you will be busy relaxing.

idkbroidk · 29/01/2025 18:25

you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Fink · 29/01/2025 18:26

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 18:15

Both our parents have a key for emergencies, or his parents occasionally stay at our house when we are on holidays (prearranged) as we live beside the sea.

Since she lives an hour away, it's not much use for emergencies.

Change the locks. Give a spare key to someone local (whom you trust) if you want.

Longer term, if you want them still staying there while you're away, set up a key lock box to which they must return the key after use. If she gets a spare key cut for herself, change the locks again and never let her have the new key.

I mean, you obviously need your husband to grow a spine too, but that might take some time. If you can just persuade him not to open the door this weekend you've made a start.

JimHalpertsWife · 29/01/2025 18:27

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 18:15

Both our parents have a key for emergencies, or his parents occasionally stay at our house when we are on holidays (prearranged) as we live beside the sea.

Dropping by isn't an emergency. Neither is letting yourself in when your are out. Take her key back if she's going to use it for non emergencies.

ilovelamp82 · 29/01/2025 18:29

Answer the door naked and say "told you we had plans" and close the door.

Windowsand · 29/01/2025 18:33

Why are you tolerating this?

He's more scared of her than you.
I would change that pronto, until he bucks up and stands up to her.
Do absolutely nothing for him.
Take to your bed.
Go out.
Start being rude.

You married a man child tosser...what did you expect.
Big mistake.

saraclara · 29/01/2025 18:35

Okay. Be more blunt but don't give her an excuse to say that you're rude.

"MIL, I've promised myself a weekend of entire rest, which is why we've offered you another day. I'm really sorry but you dropping things off on Sunday is just not an option. I'm sure you understand. We're looking forward to you visiting us and the baby as soon as you can get down here after the birth, but this weekend is private time for us"

CandyCane457 · 29/01/2025 18:40

As much as this is a MIL problem, it’s also a husband problem.

Some posters have had great suggestions of not answering the door, going away for the weekend etc etc but all of this is pointless if your husband isn’t going to agree to it.

Things with MIL will never change if your husbands attitude towards it doesn’t change either. Have a strong word with him about how it makes you feel.

Vaxtable · 29/01/2025 18:43

So if she has a key can you leave a key in the lock do she can’t open it? I would send her a text telling her not to come, you want this weekend to yourselves and can she please respect that

if she turns up I would go ballistic, shout and scream at her and tell her how bloody inconsiderate she us being, you want the key back and she is not to come over again unless invited

Then I would lastly tell your dh that this is down to him as he was not prepared to stand up for you

sometimes losing it is the only way to get the point across

Nina1013 · 29/01/2025 18:46

But if your husband wants his mum to visit, surely his opinion counts too? You can stay out of the way, but it is his home too so if he wants her to come round, I’m not sure it’s fair to tell him she can’t? You don’t have to host her, or even see her, but I’m not sure you can tell him he can’t either….

stayathomer · 29/01/2025 18:47

I’d let her in and go about doing whatever I had to do and let her drop off what she wanted and have a chat with dh or whatever. More because I wouldn’t want my dh being all dramatic over my mum coming over (nothing against you just you asked what we’d do!)

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 29/01/2025 18:49

Ask for the keys back to give to a friend who needs them for whatever reason.

Just hide them outside or in the mailbox when they come to stay.

She does not need keys to your home.

Tell her to drop off the keys and whatever she insists on dropping off on the front door step.

If she comes inside them be breezy, take her keys, and throw on your jacket like you are about to leave the house

rubiconartist · 29/01/2025 18:52

Your husband is not going to manage this which would massively piss me off as it's his mother so his to deal with. That's our rules.

Your choices as I see them are:

He arranges to go to her.

Or

Tell her she absolutely cannot visit, you have plans. Tell her she cannot turn up and must wait to be invited.

If she turns up anyway, don't let her in and put the key in the lock.

Or

Give her an hour slot in the morning and at the end of that hour put your coat on and say you're going out and she needs to leave.

This needs your husband's cooperation unfortunately but there's nothing stopping you from fucking off out and leaving them to it.

I'd be absolutely furious if my partner didn't put a stop to it.
We've had to in the past and we ended up just refusing to let this relative in if they arrived uninvited. Eventually, they grudgingly got the message.

And whatever happens, change the locks. I wouldn't tell her and would wait for her to try and let herself in but I'm petty. She doesn't need a key for emergencies, pick someone else closer and more respectful.

HeathenTime · 29/01/2025 18:52

harriethoyle · 29/01/2025 15:16

I'd close the curtains, lock the door and ignore the bell.

Same, and I've done this several times before when MIL has fucked with my boundaries.

If I've told her I'm not available and she still chooses to knock then I'm perfectly happy to leave her on the doorstep, as this was her choice. My counsellor agreed and said this was good boundary work!

Someone being related to you doesn't mean you have to do what they want at all times of you've already told them you don't want it.