MIL and disregarding boundaries

[TTCagain85]

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

Good for you for talking with your husband and also for suggesting counseling.

what your MIL does is emotionally immature and blackmailing. It’s a very unhealthy behavior that has likely been persistent since your husband‘s childhood. He was probably made feel responsible for her feelings for a long time which makes it hard for him to realize that the dynamic is not normal and harder for him to emancipate himself from her.

a therapist and counselling can definitely help. Check out the column in the NYT about parents who place the burden of their well being on their children: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/16/well/mind/critical-mom-advice.html

In the end your MIL needs to respect your boundaries and your husband needs to invoke them. She should absolutely not have your keys or the chance to steamroll your boundaries. Furthermore your husband needs to understand that he is not responsible for his mother‘s feelings and does not owe her anything. He is responsible for his partner and his child.

YANBU.

I agree you need to change your lock barrel if it’d cause too much drama to ask for the key back. If someone lets themselves into your home without your permission they shouldn’t have a key.

However, to give balance, if he’s an only child and she’s not with his dad, they must have a very close relationship, especially if it was just the two of them for a while. I expect she’s very anxious and excited about the arrival of her grandchild. If you have a DS, you’ll realise there’s a risk when he’s older you’ll be pushed away as his mother by his partner. Or your way of doing things as a family may not be tolerated by her.

Both ways, it’s so important mothers respect other mothers.

Good luck today- I hope she doesn't turn up!

The one bit of advice I would give you here is whilst it's nice to not have double standards do not make your parents change things that you are happy with them doing just because you want to be fair to a MIL who is not being fair to you. I've done this with my parents (not seen them as much, reduced the amount of time they have my children etc) all to try and be fair on a bossy, pushy, controlling mother in law who I have since realised does not care one bit about me or my feelings. I regret pushing my parents away a bit to be fair on her and realise now that this is classic tactics of a controlling person (emotionally guilt tripping me in to spending less time with my parents so she isn't missing out). I'm changing things drastically now but the easy bit for me is my husband has seen his parents for what they are the whole time and has been trying to show me that they are controlling us both via taking advantage of my good nature. It took a family holiday where they attempted to overrule me on every aspect of my children's care to realise enough is enough.

Also, can’t edit my post unfortunately- but @TTCagain85 even better to tackle the unhealthy dynamic and process the underlying issues in therapy or counselling in order to make sure the cycle doesn’t continue or worsens once the baby arrives. Your baby does not need a father who’s still dependent on the emotional manipulation by his mother.

He needs to safeguard his child and disentangle himself from the emotional enmeshing his mother has created for him. Otherwise the next generation will be drawn into this too. And it will cause marital distress in the future.

Just don't 'host' her. Do what you were going to do but dont wait on her. Let your husband do it. It will send her a message and set the president for the future. I've been there. 8 years of it. A divorce fixed it but now he hardly sees his mum.

It Turns out, my hospitality for every weekend , for most of one day alllllll of those years was what she really came for. He hardly sees her now and although my relationship with him has always been good as we have 2 boys together, she has not spoken a word to me since.

I now get to give that time that she had taken up to my own mum. Its your time to decide who you want to spend it with.

Good luck with your new baby too. Exciting times ahead x

Relaxing was the plan. It’s not a ticketed event or requires travelling distances, but when the OP and her husband planned this weekend, they wanted to spend it chilled and without visitors. That’s as valid a plan as any other and the MIL is not more entitled to disrupt those plans than if the OP had chosen to spend the weekend relaxing in a hotel rather than at home.

It's time to put your foot down and try to end this, especially with the new arrival due soon.
Agree with previous posters, if you've any idea of time she arrives. Be out, got out for breakfast/lunch, (I know you won't feel up to it, but its worth it, if you dont have to entertain her for 6 hours).
Also turn you phones off or silent when your out she can't contact you.
Do you have a ring doorbell, you could just have the camera on to keep an eye on the door, then you'll know if she's been & left.
All the best you you and your new baby.

'What time will you get here'? You ask. When she says the time, say 11am, reply with, OK. but we're going out at 11.30. Make sure you're sort of ready when she arrives.

Have you got a plan for if she does turn up today? Perhaps have your things ready by the door so if she does turn up you can say "oh what a shame you came all this when even though we said we were busy. As you know we have plans today and we're just on our way out", put coats and shoes on, leave the house ushering her out at the same time. You don't need to be out for long.

FFS! It's your MIL the Grandmother to your children - be grateful she cares enough to see you all.
Just say that's okay, but we're got plans at x time so it'll need to be before then, or another day.
I hope you're so horrible and nasty about your own mother if she ever dares to come and visit with gifts for you and the baby!

You know what will happen as it always does.

OP will try and force the visit to end, the dh will be so fucking passive that the MIL might as well move in, she'll end up staying for dinner, which the OP will end up cooking.

Once MIL eventually goes, OP will raise it with dh who will shrug it off "we can relax next weekend" and "she means well" completely overlooking the fact that his wife is about to have his baby and deserves the earth on a stick.

Then the OP will go into labour.

Yes that's my worry!

I think there's a decent chance MIL will turn up anyway, so OP needs a workable "just in case" plan. Her DH is likely the weakest link here so she may need him to be out of the house already. But all of this rather spoils the lovely relaxing day at home plan 🙁

OP is there an alternative that you would enjoy e.g. a nice pub nearby where you could go for a cosy Sunday lunch?

I hope you do stick to your guns and your DH backs you. I had this problem throughout my marriage and I always came second. She is now my exMIL. It saddens me that we could have still been married now had my exH grown a pair. There were other issues too, but she could do no wrong.

The MIL doesn’t care about OP, though. If you care about someone, you listen to their “no”.

And OP has literally suggested another day!

Can see who the ghastly mils by the comments 🚩🚩🚩

Ask for the key back as you have lost yours . Or change the locks . I would not be happy with her letting herself in when you are not there . She's trying to domineer you OP .

good luck today OP let us know what happens

Has she shown up? Did your DH find his manliness and tell her not to come over when you've already said not to come over?

Please come back and let us know how things go for you today.

But wants the gifts and help no doubt!

The OP has not once suggested they want anything from their MIL other than for them to respect boundaries. You are fabricating a situation which fits your narrative to suggest the OP wants gifts and help from her MIL.

She's said herself she'll be there in days of the birth to help!

No I'm not a MIL my kids
a) aren't old enough
And
B) when I am a mil MN will think I can do no wrong because I'm the mum of daughter's so whatever I do will obviously be the correct thing!

No I'm just someone who has recently lost my MIL and can see how much it is hurting my kids!

Where has the OP said the MIL would be helping following the birth. She's said the MIL would be visiting, but not said or implied the ML would be helpful around that time. The purpose of the visit seems to be for the MIL to delight in her new grand hit rather than support the OP and baby. There are from OP's previous posts and neither imply help from the MIL's part.

we would be seeing her within the week as baby would soon be here (even though i currently dont want her anywhere near me, i wouldn't deny any grandparent the joy of meeting their new grandchild)

She is honestly the most selfish, self centred woman when it comes to her wants and emotional needs. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad and I have offered suitable alternatives. The baby will be born a few days later and she will see us then

Tell hubby, no wifey duties until he resolves the issue