Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and disregarding boundaries

217 replies

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/01/2025 16:37

Oh dear. Well we won't be here and I've checked with the neighbours and they're away. You could put it in a bin bag in case it rains and lob it over the side gate I suppose.... why can't it wait a few weeks?

On the other hand, if you stall her now she'll use it as an excuse to turn up while you're in labour.

Personally I'd make arrangements for the day and leave your DH to entertain her and your toddler. He's making his own bed.

Arrestedforit · 29/01/2025 16:38

Maybe your DH wants to see his mum? Does he tell you when you can or cannot see your parents?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 29/01/2025 16:39

Exactly the type of thing mil would do.either that or get offended and not speak to dh for weeks.

espresso14 · 29/01/2025 16:52

Good suggestion above, get DH to go to hers and collect. He can spend time with Mum, you get time to yourself. That's coming to an end for you soon, clouds and silver linings!

FlameOfGas · 29/01/2025 16:55

Don't say you will be out, tell her straight that you have told her no and if she turns up on your doorstep you will not be opening the door to her. Tell her she is rude to impose her visiting on you when you have explicitly said no.

The issue is that you allow someone to ignore your boundaries if you continue to let her into your house. You have said no, so stand by that. She will soon learn that turning up when it is not convenient to you will not gain her access to your house.

Boomer55 · 29/01/2025 16:57

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

This. 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 29/01/2025 16:57

Arrestedforit · 29/01/2025 16:38

Maybe your DH wants to see his mum? Does he tell you when you can or cannot see your parents?

Maybe he can go to his mum’s house and see her then.

Maray1967 · 29/01/2025 17:00

You need to make DH understand that if he doesn’t say no, you will explode in front of MIL, so if he doesn’t want that, he needs to speak to her first. I wouldn’t have a problem with a quick pop in and chat for an hour, but if you know she’s going to try to stay put for 6 hours then yes,, you’ve got a problem.

Weyohweyoh · 29/01/2025 17:02

Vaxtable · 29/01/2025 15:28

I would send your DH to collect the stuff one evening this week as he can’t step up and tell his mum no

This 👆 Make it his problem if he’s too much of a wimp to stand up to her.

SometimesCalmPerson · 29/01/2025 17:03

She’s overstepping your boundaries, not your husbands. He clearly doesn’t have the same boundaries as you or it would bother him, but he probably doesn’t think his mum popping over for an hour on a weekend that you’re at home doing nothing is that big a deal.

If you want to enforce your boundaries, you need to do it yourself and not expect your husband to automatically feel the same way you do and then fight your battles.

If you really can’t bring yourself to be polite to someone that’s driving an hour to give you stuff after their planned trip was cancelled because of something they couldn’t control, just go to your bedroom.

Redcandlescandal · 29/01/2025 17:08

DH has to message her and say “we aren’t around this weekend so don’t waste your time.”

Then go out. I am a petty bitch so I would actually treat DH to a night in a hotel, about an hour in the other direction from MIL. Make it a last minute treat.

toastofthetown · 29/01/2025 17:17

SometimesCalmPerson · 29/01/2025 17:03

She’s overstepping your boundaries, not your husbands. He clearly doesn’t have the same boundaries as you or it would bother him, but he probably doesn’t think his mum popping over for an hour on a weekend that you’re at home doing nothing is that big a deal.

If you want to enforce your boundaries, you need to do it yourself and not expect your husband to automatically feel the same way you do and then fight your battles.

If you really can’t bring yourself to be polite to someone that’s driving an hour to give you stuff after their planned trip was cancelled because of something they couldn’t control, just go to your bedroom.

his mum popping over for an hour
The OP clearly says that his mum always expects to visit for 5/6 hours

LookItsMeAgain · 29/01/2025 17:27

Firstly your primary issue is with how your DH won't address this overstepping of boundaries with his mother and in fact welcomes her in so she can not only overstep these boundaries but trample all over them.

Ask him why is it easier for him to piss you off than piss off his mother? Does he want to move home to be with her? I'd consider telling him that if he doesn't start standing up for you, you are going to find that this baby will be his last as you find his behaviour most unattractive and a turn off.

JustMyView13 · 29/01/2025 17:33

This is a DH issue, disguised as a MIL issue.

Yes, MIL should respect your wishes but bigger yes - who is advocating for you in childbirth? If DH cannot reaffirm your availability with MIL, how on earth will he have the confidence to request a second opinion / drug top up / anything else you need and require him to source. Man needs to get a grip!

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 29/01/2025 17:38

Personally if dh won't speak to her to stop her coming I would make plans with a friend and go out. He can host his dm..
My ils came in a Monday. If they dropped by any other time I went out. And took dc with me. . Dh knows where your kettle is presumably op?

YouveGotAFastCar · 29/01/2025 17:41

Your husband needs to stand up to her now, or this bit with a baby/child is going to be horrific.

This is a massively bigger deal than just this Sunday.

JohnTheRevelator · 29/01/2025 17:46

Make sure you are out. She was warned!

JohnTheRevelator · 29/01/2025 17:46

Make sure you are out. She was warned!

binkie163 · 29/01/2025 17:48

My mum used to be like this, she wanted what she wanted. The best message I sent was 'What part of NO are you not understanding' it stopped my mum in her tracks, so I used it every time after. I certainly wouldnt lie and say you are out because you know she will turn up anyway (husband probably told her you are both home.)

Let him drive to her its his mum. There will be push back from her and husband because as previous poster said her happiness is more important than yours. Stand your ground on this and send a curt txt back, she doesnt care about your feelings, stop pussy footing around hers.
You are allowing her to trample all over you, it is a pissing competition. Enmeshment will only get worse and in time the children will become enmeshed.

TeeBee · 29/01/2025 17:49

'Ah, that's a shame, we would have liked to have seen you if you're driving that far. Never mind, if it can't wait until the date we suggested, feel free to drop it outside the door. Hope you have a nice weekend.' Then sit on your husband if you have to...they both need to learn the meaning of boundaries.

JustMarriedBecca · 29/01/2025 17:51

Boomer55 · 29/01/2025 16:57

This. 🙄

Show quote history

Not seeing the drama here either. She wants to drop something off. You've told her you have plans. She probably thinks you'll be out.
If I needed to drop things off then I'd do it when it suited me and leave things at the door if they weren't in.
I have a MIL problem but even I think you are being weird and precious. It's not overstepping. Just don't answer the door.

HoppityBun · 29/01/2025 17:54

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

it's always a 5/6hr visit so yes, it is awful

godmum56 · 29/01/2025 17:55

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

depends on the past history......in this case I'd say probably yes. I think OP that you are a bit late starting with the husband training but its never too late. Foot down and start now or you will end up with a Mil in the delivery room.

Original poster
TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 18:02

For those saying I'm precious and not to be rude wasting her journey. I've asked her not to come. She has a key to our house and has essentially said she will come and let herself in. I'm 39 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. We will be seeing her next week when baby is here, most likely within hours of the birth which is totally fine. I don't think wanting one weekend of peace before the birth is wrong.

For context, we really struggled to conceive this baby and lost a baby at 18weeks 3 years ago. She let herself into our house on our child's 1st anniversary whilst we were away after asking her not to come. It's as if she was checking we were there or not. My DH wouldn't ask for the key back. So yes, there is a DH issue as well, and i agree with others- I'm realising he finds it easier to piss off me than her.

OP posts:
Redcandlescandal · 29/01/2025 18:03

Why the fuck does she have a key?

Swipe left for the next trending thread