MIL and disregarding boundaries

[TTCagain85]

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

Well, update. I asked DH had he spoken to his mum about not coming this weekend and he said no. I said I would and he wants to know what my problem is. Went off on one, even when I reminded him the point is we agreed no visitors this weekend and why should his mum be an exception. I admittingly lost my cool, and as someone else put it told him it was evident he was happy to disregard my wishes and piss me off but not her.

I won't be entertaining her on Sunday. I've told him to go and do her bidding and stay with her on Saturday like she wants with no regard for his heavily pregnant wife at home.

Maybe I'm being too harsh and hormonal. But this feels like part of a bigger problem.

This! Perfect 👌 me and DH aren't talking so probably don't have anything to lose at this point.

This

💖 I’m sorry. If there’s ever a time to be harsh and hormonal, it’s at 39 weeks. Your needs take priority here; I’m sorry he’s not supporting you in what was agreed. You’re really asking very little here: a weekend alone before you give birth. It’s not the moon! You’re not Mariah Carey requesting baskets of kittens.

Mine was the same - exactly. I made the same excuses about him being an only child etc.

They are NC now and my first year as a mum was massively damaged by behaviour like this which just got worse and worse.

Just say "we have decided to have some family time alone before the baby comes and really want to relax and enjoy our weekend without hosting anyone, including family. My family have also agreed to give us space and we ask that you do as well. This is quite an exciting but scary time for us ad we want to enjoy this weekend together as a couple before our baby comes and everything changes. Whatever you want to drop of DH can collect earlier or you can bring it after birth when you get to meet baby."

Genuinely though if i were you I would go out for a lovely meal or spa day because you will be spending a lot of time in the house in the next few weeks.

Im sorry your husband is being such a dick when you’re heavily pregnant, probably pretty stressed, and in need of support and care. His priority should be looking after you right now, even if you were being totally irrational, which you aren’t. Solidarity and hugs xx

Exactly this! OP I have an unbearable MIL and this exact scenario has happened to me before.. after much worse, I am finally NC with her and it feels great

I was going to suggest a much swearyier version of what @Gymmum82 said. (She’s much nicer than I am, obvs. You should probably say her version.)
I’m pleased you lost it at DH. Unless DH KNOWS it’s a problem, it won’t BE a problem (for him - it will be YOUR problem.)

Sorry MIL, but I am under doctors orders to rest, stay away from people and stress for the sake of the baby.
As you know stress is not good for mother or baby.
Therefore, I respectfully ask that you stay away.
Currently, we have everything we need for the birth and baby.
We look forward to introducing you to your new grandchild in the near future.

If you don't sort out boundaries now she'll be just turning up when she feels like it during your maternity leave.

Book some marriage counselling as with a newborn and your DH being a mummy’s boy you might need the support and help in getting him to respect your wishes and not just let your mil walk all over you both! Good luck I wish you a calm end to pregnancy and a peaceful delivery!

Honestly wouldn't trust someone like that to give back the key without getting another cut.

Also husband twat. Hope you're ok.

Infuriating as this might be, I'd hesitate to be blatantly rude or angry with her. I re-read your OP and you say:
I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

You told her you have plans, so there's a reasonable chance that she expects you to be out, but that she has a baby gift or something for you that she wants you to have before the birth. She might genuinely plan to just leave it at your empty house for you to come home to.

Even if the likelihood of that is small, I still wouldn't risk getting really angry with her, in case. There's also a risk you'll be adding your displaced anger with your husband.

He is putting his "mentally unstable manipulative mother" ahead of his pregnant wife.

He "went off on one" when you asked him to stick to the plans made of a quiet weekend?

Why has a "mentally unstable" woman got a key to your home?

He IS a tosser, a tosser that has no compunction about upsetting his heavily pregnant wife, and you are only going to realise the full reality of that going forward.

Keep your family and friends close, you are going to need them.

You deserve better.

Ask her what time, reiterate that you have plans, make sure that you're all out when she calls.

She's a control freak. She's created an unnecessary power-struggle with a heavily pregnant family member. She has form for doing this.
Are there any additional family members who could tell her not to visit?
That way you can tell DH either he sorts it out or you'll seek support elsewhere.

I wouldn't be able to relax knowing that she potentially would be turning up. I would be checking myself and DC1 into a hotel for the weekend and let DH pander to his mother on his own. Longer term... locks changed.

I can't believe that he is still putting his mother first when you are giving birth next week and in light of your previous loss, you will need his unconditional support and reassurance.

Hopefully he will come to his senses and tell his mum not to come over. If he doesn't do this, this will taint the memories of what should be a really happy time for you and your DH and put a huge strain on your marriage.

Wow!
How are you going to play it Sunday?
This would absolutely have me digging my heels in. It's going to become a power play between you and her if your DH doesn't tell her.

I'd be so pissed off with DH if he did this to me. Christ alive it's not hard. And you're bloody pregnant with his bloody baby!

So to update everyone. Things calmed down and we talked about it rationally. I said I get that he has been brought up to appease her and has been made to feel responsible for her mental health, but that as a married man his wife's wellbeing should come first. I explained and used others wording on here (thank you!) that asking to be left alone for a day wasn't an unreasonable request at 39.5wks and that in any event we would be seeing her within the week as baby would soon be here (even though i currently dont want her anywhere near me, i wouldn't deny any grandparent the joy of meeting their new grandchild).

As for her announcing she was coming up and would let herself in, I said to him does he not see how inappropriate that is that a more appropriate response would be "when might suit".

The upshot is, he has agreed to speak with her. I've warned him she will likely turn on the waterworks to him and claim she's depressed, and reminded him she has her own husband to rely on to not put her well being above mine, particularly in what should be a time of nesting and excitement. For anyone who has gone through pregnancy after loss, it's a hybrid of heightened and difficult emotions at the best of times without MIL wanting to be put first.

Long term for us, I've suggested marriage counselling as this power struggle is not something I want to continually deal with. I've told him if he ever feels I'm putting my birth family before him to call me out, as we should always put our created family first.

Thanks for all the help and reassurance.

You've dealt with this so well, let's hope he follows through for you!

Follow through on the marriage counselling OP, because your marriage is doomed if he continues to behave with such a complete disregard for you.

You will get the Ick, resentment will spill over, sexual attraction will completely evaporate.
You will inevitably start to think about going it alone as you will consider it easier In the long run.

Even if he tries to reverse it, when it goes too far, the respect and affection are not retrieveavable and the marriage over.

My friend refused to have a second child because of this and despite him desperately wanting them to remain together, her respect for him was gone.

She divorced him and never regretted it, but he definitely did.

I definitely will follow through on marriage counselling. I imagine the only reason he is stepping up this time is because of how pregnant I am...as someone else pointed out he possibly sees this as a "my problem" than a bigger marital issue.

My focus for the next little while is on me, my family and getting this little one delivered safely 🙏 ❤️ hopefully once we adjust to life as a family of 4 we can start with marriage counselling x