Page 8 | Is he entitled to be pissed off with me

Tootiredmummyof3 · 2025-01-29T08:25:18+00:00

This morning wake up to a arsy text from DH. Basically pissed off with me because I didn't give him oral laser night. I was feeling really dizzy last night and still don't feel great this morning. I didn't reply but then text me 3 minutes later saying he'd taken the car to work. He knew it wasn't well last night and he didn't check if I felt up to walking to school or ask me to drop him off at work. I texted him thanks for taking the car when you know I'm dizzy. No reply because what can he say. I know I'm not being unreasonable to be annoyed with him but is he also unreasonable to be pissed off with me?

Queenofthejabs · 30/01/2025 11:51

Tootiredmummyof3 · 30/01/2025 08:30

Lots to think about here. DH does have some good points that I haven't mentioned. He is incredibly generous and apart from where sex is concerned he is usually kind .
It really has changed since I became a SAHM but every time I talk about getting a job DH says you don't need to do that. Obviously it's really impractical at the moment due to DS's needs which are my priority.
I do have carers allowance and DS gets DLA so not totally dependent on DH but he does pay for most things.
I did give in to him last night as I felt better. I know what people were saying with just do it when you want but I hate having a nasty atmosphere which isn't good for the kids either.

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here. I feel so sorry for you, I really do. You can’t see the difference between sexual abuse and, control or know what a loving healthy relationship is any more.

there are no words here. I hope your life gets better.

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 12:31

Screamingabdabz · 29/01/2025 23:13

Your last post was one of the most chilling things I’ve ever read on MN op. This man is a vile sexual abuser, please op, get him to leave or get away from him asap. You do not need to spend your evenings with a cock in your mouth because if you don’t he’s ‘uncomfortable’. What kind of sick individual says things like that?

I did give in to him last night as I felt better. I know what people were saying with just do it when you want but I hate having a nasty atmosphere which isn't good for the kids either

This is so sad. A sexual relationship should be mutually desired and enjoyed. Did you enjoy the sex or did you lie back and think of England just so that he'd get his 'release' and not treat you like shit for a day? And then let him have his 'release' tmw so he doesn't treat you like shit again?

Taking away someone's bodily autonomy is one of the worst things that someone can do. It'll eat you up inside.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 12:33

Please have a read of this op...

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

What your husband is doing to you is a crime. And, if you told the police what you have told us, he would be charged with a criminal offence.

He IS forcing you. Forcing isn't just about physically holding your head, though that wouldn't surprise me, he is forcing you to perform sexual acts on him by making yours and your children's lives unbearable if you don't.

That is forcing you. That is coercive abuse.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 30/01/2025 12:37

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 09:46

I've been thinking about you this morning, because I am so sad for you and your children who are growing up being modelled that a males wants are more important that a females.

'He pays for everything.' Well. Of course he does, he is the only one of you who gets paid for the work they do. Yours is unpaid. That's just how a family with dependents works, it doesn't count on his list of attributes.

Also 'you gave in' last night. You don't have to answer this, as it's tmi, but please think about it. So your sexual activities last night - did they involve him giving you head, you having an orgasm and then falling asleep? Because I suspect neither of you consider your pleasure at all very often. It's just about pleasing him, so that he doesn't kick off. It's all so so wrong.

I don't think you're ready to understand, or want to understand yet. So please, I hope the unanimous responses on this thread will sink in soon. Please keep the thread for when you're ready. I'm praying for you and your children it's soon.

This. I feel so sad for the OP after reading her update 😞

He is coercing her and she just just doesn’t see it. “Be OTT to leave him for sulking” - it’s so much more than sulking OP. Just think about what would have happened if you said No again and why you felt you couldn’t. Would you want that for a daughter or friend?

ItGhoul · 30/01/2025 12:42

apart from where sex is concerned he is usually kind

No. No he isn't.

Seriously, if someone said to you 'Apart from the fact that he's a rapist, he's a nice guy' what would you think? Because that is what you've just said.

He might not physically force you, but if you have sex of any kind with him because he is nasty to you or creates a bad atmosphere or becomes angry if you don't, then that is is coercion. He's forcing you to have sex with him by making your life hell if you don't.

He is incredibly generous

No. No he isn't. He tells you that you're not even entitled to use the car without his permission simply because he paid for it. That is not the behaviour of a generous man.

He is abusing you. He is controlling you financially and sexually and he is a fucking danger. Jesus H Christ, you surely cannot believe this is normal or acceptable? These aren't minor niggles, OP. This is serious abuse.

Twaddlepip · 30/01/2025 13:27

Your update is unbelievably worrying and so depressing @Tootiredmummyof3.

I want to shake you to make you see.

chargeitup · 30/01/2025 13:30

My God he is sexually abusing you.

Do you have daughters? How would you respond if your dd told you she had to do something sexual every day or her partner would make her life miserable

I'm amazed you aren't utterly repelled by him.

You need to seek help. You need to tell him doesn't get to dictate to you your sec life and when abd what you can discuss with him.

I'm sorry but I can't see this marriage lasting.

AllyDally · 30/01/2025 13:31

cheddercherry · 30/01/2025 11:42

That’s really quite harrowing to read, you “gave in” to him. Normal, loving Sex isn’t something you’re coerced or guilted into, it’s sexual abuse. I know that’s probably hard to hear but having sex with your partner so your kids don’t wake up to an atmosphere is truly horrific. You do see how this is wrong, don’t you?

Edited

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100% this. Really sad to read, extremely abusive.

AllyDally · 30/01/2025 13:33

I just don't understand how you think this is ok, what sort of example does this set for your children, whilst they won't know about the sexual stuff, his behaviour towards you is awful. He is not a good man, bad people do not just portray their bad traits constantly, doesn't mean they are nice, kind people. A kind person would NEVER behave like he does.

Derbee · 30/01/2025 13:34

This is one of the most disturbing threads I’ve read on here. So sad.

Queenofthejabs · 30/01/2025 13:40

I think the op knows it’s not ok. But she is choosing this rather than leaving.

the utter humiliation and degradation of being treated like a prostitute op will eventually wear you down.

Nhiahlatingvieews · 30/01/2025 13:57

Hopefully the comments on here will eventually filter through to her. Either way, I think she will wake up eventually and know she can’t go on with this vile man

CandidRaven · 30/01/2025 13:59

My sisters ex used to do that to her.....that's why he's her ex now, awful behaviour from him

Truth25 · 30/01/2025 13:59

I'm so sad for you op. It's clear that you feel trapped with this abusive pig of a man. A child with Sen, being a sahm, he's got you trapped.
Please read the thread and I hope that you come back asking how to leave him.
This is abuse, even if you aren't ready to hear that.

Mnetcurious · 30/01/2025 14:01

“I did give in to him last night as I felt better. I know what people were saying with just do it when you want but I hate having a nasty atmosphere”

He’s using coercive control whereby he creates a nasty atmosphere when you refuse, to the point where you now choose to give in and do it rather than endure his creating of a bad atmosphere. This is abuse!

Original poster

Tootiredmummyof3 · 30/01/2025 14:02

I can't leave him. It's not that simple and no matter how stupid it makes me I still do love him. I just hate it when he's angry with me.

I know lot's of people have said to get a job but I'd probably have to just do evenings and weekends due to DS only being at school for 2 hours a day. DH doesn't want me to do that as we won't see eachother.

OP posts:

Mnetcurious · 30/01/2025 14:05

Tootiredmummyof3 · 30/01/2025 14:02

I can't leave him. It's not that simple and no matter how stupid it makes me I still do love him. I just hate it when he's angry with me.

I know lot's of people have said to get a job but I'd probably have to just do evenings and weekends due to DS only being at school for 2 hours a day. DH doesn't want me to do that as we won't see eachother.

“DH doesn't want me to do that as we won't see eachother.”

And why does he get to decide what you do? It’s your decision.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/01/2025 14:07

Of course he doesn't want you working evenings or weekends - he would have to parent his own children
and there would be less time for you to give in to his sex demands

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 14:11

What do you think love is op? Can you articulate it?

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 14:12

Tootiredmummyof3 · 30/01/2025 14:02

I can't leave him. It's not that simple and no matter how stupid it makes me I still do love him. I just hate it when he's angry with me.

I know lot's of people have said to get a job but I'd probably have to just do evenings and weekends due to DS only being at school for 2 hours a day. DH doesn't want me to do that as we won't see eachother.

Your idea of love is warped. He's sexually assaulting you.

Please look up 'trauma bonding', it sounds like that's what's happening.

Why do you think a kicked puppy still wags their tail at their owner? They're trying to be 'good' so that they don't get punished again.

Would you like your daughter to have a husband like yours?

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2025 14:23

I did give in to him last night as I felt better. I know what people were saying with just do it when you want but I hate having a nasty atmosphere which isn't good for the kids either.

Having a dad who is a bully and coercive is ultimately worse for the children and will only enhance the nasty atmosphere.

OP I mean this with great kindness here but your marriage is over already and your husband is an abusive shit who basically would be a rapist if he couldn't coerce you into doing what he wants.

Please wake up to this. I recognise that you may not be ready to hear or act on it yet and may have to let it play out but there's a reason your instincts are screaming that this is all wrong. If it's not wrong for you at least acknowledge that its bad for your children.

Act on them. Seek help, start to make plans. Time to plan your exit.

outerspacepotato · 30/01/2025 14:23

Your husband is a coercive rapist who doesn't care that you're not feeling well. He uses you like an object to have an orgasm whether you like it or not and if you refuse, he punishes you. That's not love.

That said, you shouldn't be driving when you're dizzy.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2025 14:24

Tootiredmummyof3 · 30/01/2025 14:02

I can't leave him. It's not that simple and no matter how stupid it makes me I still do love him. I just hate it when he's angry with me.

I know lot's of people have said to get a job but I'd probably have to just do evenings and weekends due to DS only being at school for 2 hours a day. DH doesn't want me to do that as we won't see eachother.

He's not your boss. You can do what you want.

Themaghag · 30/01/2025 14:54

"DH doesn't want me to do that (get a job) as we won't see each other."

Well really that's the least of your problems OP - you'd be better off seeing him as little as possible because there would be less time for him to treat you like his own personal sex toy.

unsync · 30/01/2025 15:17

You are in an abusive, coercive relationship. Giving in to his demands when you don't want to do something is coercion. In the case of penetrative sex, it is rape. I know this as it happened to me. I didn't realise it whilst I was married either. It is likely that you are being abused in other ways too as the other forms of abuse usually accompany sexual abuse. Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't make his behaviour acceptable.