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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants me to go part time at work …

493 replies

Pinkflowerpower · 29/01/2025 08:08

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

OP posts:
Catza · 29/01/2025 08:10

Sounds like a good idea, to be honest. Would he consider topping up your pension while you work part time?

Agix · 29/01/2025 08:11

What are the alternatives, considering working around the children is a struggle and will just get worse with school?

Daffydoll · 29/01/2025 08:12

I went part time when my kids went to nursery and primary school. When the youngest went to secondary school I went back to work full time. My career has gone from strength to strength. The important thing is keeping your foot in the door and making sure you keep your career going. Worked out best all round for everybody.

Parker231 · 29/01/2025 08:12

No - stay full time. Many families have two parents working full time - it just takes organising. Has your DH made a flexible working request?

In our house DH did the morning drop offs and I did the collecting from nursery/after school. Check the school your DC’s will go to has a breakfast and after school club.

showmethegin · 29/01/2025 08:13

Catza · 29/01/2025 08:10

Sounds like a good idea, to be honest. Would he consider topping up your pension while you work part time?

I think that's the best idea. If he is unable/unwilling to do it and expects you too it's only fair that you are compensated

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:13

Can he go part time too?

Zanatdy · 29/01/2025 08:13

Personally I wouldn’t. Or at least just drop an hour a day so you don’t have to rush back. But why can’t your DH put in a flexible working request, at least to leave earlier 1-2 days per week.

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 08:14

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:13

Can he go part time too?

He's the main source of income. Why would he?

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2025 08:15

If life is so difficult at the moment due to long working hours, surely it would make sense for you BOTH to reduce your hours? One of you starts later so can do the mornings, the other finishes earlier to do the pick ups. Both of you put in flexible working requests to reduce your hours and see what happens.

Sillybillyawards · 29/01/2025 08:16

If you can afford it and it makes your lives easier then i don't see why not?
You are still keeping your foot in the door by working part-time.
When the children are older you can go back to full- time.

Temporaryname158 · 29/01/2025 08:16

I would say absolutely not! If he ever left you (or you him, including death) you would be left with part time work and lower pension.

i would look at other ways you can carve out a better work life balance. A change to a new higher paid full time job, a nanny to prevent childcare pick up issues, a cleaner so you aren’t doing housework in the evening.

at the end of the day though his man job isn’t the most important thing in this family just because he earns more. You and your job are important too and not just there to facilitate him. He wanted a family too and automatically suggesting it’s him that doesn’t have to change their role but you do wouldn’t sit well with me

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2025 08:16

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 08:14

He's the main source of income. Why would he?

Show quote history

It’s not just about money though. It’s about time with the family, career progression for both and improved pension for the OP.

Drachuughtty · 29/01/2025 08:17

As you've already worked out this will get harder after nursery.
As DH is the higher earner he could think about a small reduction in hours. So can you - it sounds like you want to really.
Make sure finances are split fairly and if you go part time and he doesn't then you should be able to put extra into your pension to cover the shortfall, paid for by him.

stillstormy · 29/01/2025 08:17

I think you could but only for say two or three years until things calm down a bit. A few people I know who went part-time did it only temporarily and they are back on track with their career now. I was older having children (older than you) and found it harder.

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:17

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 08:14

He's the main source of income. Why would he?

Show quote history

Because he earns more per hour so he can drop an hour and they'll still have enough to live off. If anything OP should be increasing her earning potential.

user2848502016 · 29/01/2025 08:17

I did go part time when mine were little, but the difference was I wanted to do it.
If the financial side like pension is worrying you would your DH be able to top it up for you so you're still paying in a full time amount?
6 isn't an unreasonable time to be picking up DC, who does the morning drop offs? When ours were in nursery DH did drop offs so I could get to work a bit early and then I would do pick ups.

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:18

Temporaryname158 · 29/01/2025 08:16

I would say absolutely not! If he ever left you (or you him, including death) you would be left with part time work and lower pension.

i would look at other ways you can carve out a better work life balance. A change to a new higher paid full time job, a nanny to prevent childcare pick up issues, a cleaner so you aren’t doing housework in the evening.

at the end of the day though his man job isn’t the most important thing in this family just because he earns more. You and your job are important too and not just there to facilitate him. He wanted a family too and automatically suggesting it’s him that doesn’t have to change their role but you do wouldn’t sit well with me

Absolutely 100% this. If anything your career is more important now you have kids OP. If he got hit by a bus and put in a coma you'd have a massive drop in family income.

BellissimoGecko · 29/01/2025 08:18

Catza · 29/01/2025 08:10

Sounds like a good idea, to be honest. Would he consider topping up your pension while you work part time?

This. This would be essential if you're going to go part time. Why should your pension suffer?

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:18

Is it really affecting his work, do you think or is it just inconvenient?

It also sort of sounds like (but I maybe misunderstood) by default you try to pick up every day and then last minute get him to cover if you can't - and I wonder if it might be better just to have a schedule you both stick to so it's not last minute for him

How doable is part time in your role? I think the other thing to consider is that there's a huge range of part time - 4 days a week won't affect your pension nearly as much as 1-2 days a week

Our (very standard state primary) does wraparound 7:30-6:30 so school won't necessarily get harder btw - it's worth looking at what schools around you offer.

Naunet · 29/01/2025 08:19

I think you'd be mad to personally, I dont know why women are so keen to throw away their independence and earning potential, you never know what will happen fomorrow. If you do though, it should be on the conditon he pays into a pension for you. Also discuss first how your access to finances work, and his expectations of what he would still be doing, or does he think he'll just have to work and everything else is yours to deal with?

SantanaBinLorry · 29/01/2025 08:20

Do it! If...
Your husband will top up your pension whilst you are part time. AND he considers a flexible working/condensed hours request with his work. It's about quality family time right?
His response to these two requests will tell you if its worth it.

Topseyt123 · 29/01/2025 08:20

Sounds like it is needed really, though I wouldn't be keen as it puts you at a disadvantage. Look into childminders before making a decision.

Once they are in school you will still need childminders and/or wraparound care to cover school drop-off and pick-up whatever you are doing, and also for school holiday care. Otherwise you will both ust run out of annual leave for it.

NewHeaven · 29/01/2025 08:20

Can you get s childminder for the nursery/ school pick ups? I'd find a way to make working full te work. Is there someone near by who'd do the pick ups and keep the kids for an hour for some extra money? Or a nursery SAH parent who'd welcome extra cash.

Paganpentacle · 29/01/2025 08:21

Temporaryname158 · 29/01/2025 08:16

I would say absolutely not! If he ever left you (or you him, including death) you would be left with part time work and lower pension.

i would look at other ways you can carve out a better work life balance. A change to a new higher paid full time job, a nanny to prevent childcare pick up issues, a cleaner so you aren’t doing housework in the evening.

at the end of the day though his man job isn’t the most important thing in this family just because he earns more. You and your job are important too and not just there to facilitate him. He wanted a family too and automatically suggesting it’s him that doesn’t have to change their role but you do wouldn’t sit well with me

100% this.
The main thing a woman can do is to be able to support herself and her children.
Time and time again I see on here women left with no ability to leave, support themselves or do anything really. It will affect your pension in the long run too.
No way would I have ever considered going part time.
I've drilled it into my daughter.... even in a relationship- be able to support yourself.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 29/01/2025 08:21

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 08:14

He's the main source of income. Why would he?

Show quote history

He is not more important just because he earns more and has a penis. OP has laid out that they are okay financially.