DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I’ve worked part time since I had my children and tbh never want to go full time if I can help it! Yes my salary was a lot less for some time but it was worth it. My youngest is 9 and have another in secondary. I have a day off in the week to myself too and wouldn’t swap it for the world. I work for the NHS in a managerial role which can be stressful and busy at times but have a very supportive employer who understands my boundaries and being part time etc. obvs I work very hard and am flexible when needed. Could you speak with your manager to explain what’s happening, how you’re feeling etc and see how part time could work? My only thing to be mindful is that they don’t let you go part time but you have the same workload as that isn’t a solution really. Good luck op

If there's abuse, neglect in a nursery you'd hope the individual would be weeded out.

If the childminders is neglectful or abusive theirs nobody to oversee what's going on.

I certainly don't buy the whole they are all wonderful and homely thing that gets pushed on MN.

Are women not allowed to be concerned for their future and want some security in their latter years?

Yes because we're encouraging OP to just do that aren't we. Hyperbolic nonsense.

I was never impressed with the childminders in my area and always felt more comfortable with the idea of multiple eyes on my child instead of just one. The ones in my area mostly seem to be childminders just so they could be with their own children which I also wasn't keen on.

I love my children's nursery and I'm very happy with it. I wouldn't describe it as 'relentless' for my children at all.

and asking if a woman's pension is more important than 'precious years' with her child isn't nonsense?

Do you ask men that too?

I went part time after the birth of our second child for pretty much the exact same reasons. We all massively benefitted from it!

I worked part time when my kids were in primary school and didn’t start full time again until youngest was in high school. Our financial situation was similar to yours. Can you do some of your job from home? If not, perhaps look for a hybrid job. I think you’re putting too much stress on yourself. It’s not worth it for the money you’re earning.

Agree with this, the childminders in my village have their own children who are quite a bit older than my baby. It makes me nervous about safeguarding/risks as in a nursery there would be more eyes on them. I’ve seen that little toddlers can be quite cruel to babies in mother/baby groups (I know this is normal!) so I prefer that at nursery my baby is with similar aged children with more supervision.

Yes for the first 3 years both myself and husband stepped back a little from careers and we don’t regret it. It was something we spoke about before having our daughter.

I went part-time when I had our child 22 years ago, dropping from 5 to 3 days per week. This suited me though, as the timing of my pregnancy clashed with an opportunity for promotion which I felt I couldn't proceed with as I knew I would have my hands full with a young child. But you sound as though you have already navigated the hard part capably- the pre-school years, without too much disruption to your work, and you sound more ambitious for your career than I was.
My first instinct reading your post was you should go part time, as it would benefit your children too to have you around more, but this would have to be a decision you wouldn't later regret too much (you are bound to have some doubts), but if you feel this would be a set-back in your career which you wouldn't overcome in time and you would come to resent it, then you should stay as you are.

With regard to dropping your salary;
The pension thing shouldn't be an issue, you can be the beneficiary of his pension if he should die or you both divorce. I think you have to weigh up the pro's and cons not just for you but your whole family, but your personal satisfaction either way must be a major deciding factor. Good luck.

Our experience was, that if you can afford it, both go part time/use flexibility. We got through most of the school years at 3.5/4 days a week, sharing the school runs and using breakfast/after school club some days. Flexible working is for all parents not just mums. I work in a job with mostly men and I bet they were all saying "oh I could never go part time" whilst I was doing it in the same role.
Also, it's better to keep you career/job going even if flatlining a few years, rather than quit and try to get back in. For both of you.

Update on my previous comment, after reading OP's comments about not enjoying her work;
Divorce may be a cause for concern in the future, but I find it depressing that so many people on this thread are citing that as a reason for OP not to go part-time, even though she hasn't implied that may even be on the horizon. I think motherhood is the biggest role any of us can take on, so if you have the opportunity to embrace and enjoy it more by accepting the support of your spouse (who obviously cares about your wellbeing and wants a less stressed routine for you and your family) then go for it. I am sure your career will survive reduced hours, you won't get this time back with your young children again, whereas work will always be there.

and asking if a woman's pension is more important than 'precious years' with her child isn't nonsense? Do you ask men that too?

Yep. Sorry you're upset about it.

This is the sort of maudlin, sappy attitude that misleads women.

So wanting to spend time with your young children is 'maudlin and sappy' according to you?

I pity any kids you may have with that attitude - this isn't just about women either, if the husband was the lower earner willing to go part-time it would be just as rewarding for both.

yes, that was the point i made about whoever was the lower earner. Really there should be trust within a marriage about these things, otherwise what is the point of getting married? The OP did not make any reference to not trusting her DH, so I assumed the best outcome is a better life balance all round right now rather than worrying about the £££ when she is retired, when situation might be totally different - live for now!

Because you don't know what the future brings no matter how much you may trust your husband.

Women are often left in awful financial situations if a marriage falls apart, which many do. Especially if they are the lower earner and have stepped back from their career.

Women should think about things like this and protect themselves as much as they can.

well, sadly, that's a very cynical outlook on marriage in general. I don't think it's a particularly healthy one either, but if relationship insecurities prevent someone (male or female) from choosing a better life balance then all I can say is it's a real shame, as it would really ease things all round.

I think there are many good reasons why it might not be obviously the lower earner to go part time.

The higher earner may have topped out in their career and actually have less potential for further promotions

Tax and benefits as I set out earlier in the thread may make it actually financially neutral

The higher earner may well be more settled in their career and better able to ask for flexibility

It isn't cynical or insecure, it's realistic and unfortunately happens all of the time. I don't see why someone wouldn't want to protect themselves financially.

I feel secure knowing that if my marriage was to end for whatever reason, I wouldn't have to worry financially.

Yes protect yourself, don't give up work completely. Keep a toe in the door so you can return to full-time work at some point.

But there also needs to be a balance between outsourcing childcare, caring for your own kids and your own stress levels.

So many tweens and teens are struggling with anxiety and MH issues. All of which gets blamed on mobile phones, but I can't help wonder is being put in nurseries and really long hours in childcare or being carted round tons of activities and very little time just playing with their parents playing it's part?

Which needs to be the responsibility of both parents, not just the mother. Right now, it is almost always the mother who either sacrifices her career or takes a massive step back.

I think it's hugely complex and is incredibly unlikely to be down to just one thing, especially as I'm sure there's many people out there who had a SAHP growing up who have anxiety/MH issues and not to mention that it isn't good for children to be raised in poverty and can also be bad for anxiety/MH issues.

How sorry are you? Really?!

This.

Mine did end, and if I hadn’t had the income I do, there’s no way I’d have financially survived. Or, I’d have been trapped in a marriage I hated because I couldn’t afford to leave.

So many here saying money isn’t important.

Money has never been more important. This country is not in a great state. Prices are sky-high. Pay is rubbish in many jobs. House prices are out of reach of many young people.

Who knows what the future holds. If your kid has educational needs, it is easier to access provision if you have money. Your teen develops health problems and is languishing on a long waiting list; money gets you a private consultation. I doubt uni fees are going to stay like this for long; money helps fund their future. Most young adults will benefit from help with a house or rent deposit from their parents.

People are right. Kids are little for such a short time. They are older for longer, and will need support. And money will make their lives that bit more secure in these scary times.