DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

@TheFourthTime I don't disagree, and this is why I'm choosing to continue my career, but I think for some families the amount they're able to realistically earn isn't enough to pay for those things even if they do work full time. If a house deposit is within reach it makes sense for one person to go back to work a bit earlier and strive for it - if both of you will not get it in 20 years of saving then there's just no point.

Oof I went part time after kids and I’m never going back. In relation to safeguarding your future, your husband can get life insurance and you can have an agreement written up now in the event of divorce to do this.

OP this is exactly why you have to stay full time.
Your husband wants you to go part time so his life would be easier. But he is not going part time himself, its you.

I'm a bit older than you but I went through what you are experiencing now when my 3 kids were small (now 2 teens and a pre teen). The stress of small kids it's not forever , it will changer sooner than you think. And you will be able to move up in your career, and have a salary like your husband"s.
Only if you lean in now.
Really recommend Lean In of Sheryl Sandberg. It explains this better than me.
Lean in now and you will reap the benefits in a few years time.

I am a high earner and I earn only slightly less than my husband. But at the time, ten years ago, he was earning three times my salary. But it won't happen if I went part time to make "family life" easier.

You want to be his equal. You don't want to end up doing most of the housework and feel in a trap. This only happens if you stay equal. You can do this x

This is such a sensible post. You need to stay full-time, and he needs to take some of the career hit. Don't give in on this at all.

Say no. If you want to.
Stay full time, with income, savings, pension.
Keep building your career if that's what you want.
Use some of that money for help. Cleaner, nanny, shopping delivery, laundry service.
Share out the domestic duties more fairly.

Go to part time, you can work more later. You won't have the chilcare bills much longer so it will get easier.

It is not necessarily a binary choice. You could go part time and start a new business to give you flexibility but also extra income and build something for the future.

Whatever you and your DH decide, you need to do something as 8-6 in nursery for your kids is a miserable life - for them and you - unless you absolutely have no other choices. Your kids barely have any home life and when they are home, they are being rushed to bed or rushed out, by tired cranky parents. All this for £35k , as opposed to the £25k you could earn part-time. It's just not worth it, in my view. Many women have no DH who can or is willing to support them, but you do, so prioritise your kids and your own physical and mental health for a few years. You can never get this time back - it's a cliche, but it's still very true.

If he’s on 70k he’s paying 40% tax can you play around with calculators to see how much he would lose if he dropped hours versus you? The difference might not be as big as you think.

I think it makes sense to both drop some hours rather than one of you take the whole hit to their career.

A lot of men don’t want to request flexibility- they will often say their workplace will/has refused. I think it’s tied up in a self-image of masculinity and a reluctance to curtail their own career prospects. I suspect having a wife who works part time is something of a status symbol.

100 per cent this.
It's always women who go part time. It's always men who prioritise their career
It's not 35K. It's career prospects, it's the experience in a full time job that you might not get in a part time role.
This should be taught at school. It's so so important for girls to learn.
It's taking turns in career advancement, doing working trips, training opportunities, and also taking turns for child sicknesses, school holidays/ training days.
Fast forward 10 years where you are now OP. I see it very clearly in women who reduced their days. You will be competing with junior recruits, stagnate your pay.
Is this what we ant our girls to learn?

This was a great post . I decided to stay full time and I’m so pleased. I will read the book you have suggested. Thank you.
As you say, this hard now but i believe it will be worth it in the long run! Also looking forward to having not so tiny people ! Thank you x

I am not sure it is so binary as this. I decided to take time off work completely when we had our daughter. It was my choice and I have my own assets and money. I decided to have a career rejig. I used the time to retrain and start my own business. At no point did my DH not think I was an equal - I spent my time raising our daughter to the best of my ability and now she is older I am ramping up the business. Good luck what anyone decides to do but I wouldn’t have swapped those early days with her to pay into a pension scheme and juggling a job and stressing myself out. I look back on those first few years with real fondness.

I’m happy for you. Yes it will be a juggle but a satisfying career is a joy. I didn’t say this in my earlier post but my husband left me when my daughter was 5 and I’ve been able to provide her with a lovely life on my own because of my career.

Go for it, rushing about all the time isn't fun! Xx

Given that finances are shared, and you already have experience of him doing this whilst being the higher earner, I'd do it. Why run yourself ragged and both you and DH be stressed if it isn't necessary.

I wouldn’t. But it’s not up to me!

How, specifically, is his career being affected? Be wary of him simoply not wanting to do the nursery run and making you the collateral damage.

Absolutely! This! It doesn’t matter whether it’s mum
or dad, but they really do need a loving parent at home throughout their childhood and into their teens as much as life affords.

Everyone asking for flexiable working hours it’s just not that easy.

if my wife earned 70k and said I could work part time I’d jump at it, yes please and thank you.