DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

No, don't do it. Stay full time.
In a few years you won't be paying nursery fees and you will have the option to be promoted. Why I'd always women the ones jeopardising their future so men can have thier lives made easier? You will be glad you stayed full time in the long term.
Tell him to do what we all do and arrange some flexibility. I'm your husbands pay bracket. It is possible.

Whilst it sounds like your working arrangements are challenging for you, I would consider a flexible working request for both of you before dropping your hours down.

Before you do it, you need to agree:

• How will you be compensated for lost pension income?
• How will you be compensated for lost NI contributions - you can buy credits, will DH pay for these?

This is what insurance polices are for, we have one out for both of us. If something happened to DH I'd be fine even in my low paying part-time job.

You have to look at your finances and come to a mutual decision. If your partners then things can be put in place. The only thing I would struggle with is if I wanted to leave but it still would be OK, not brilliant but I also have a long term health condition which limits my ability to work also.

There is nothing wrong with going part time to give more time to your children. They benefit from it to, I've seen lots of kids of two working parents and they often struggle unless there is a lot of extended family input. Your kids do need your time.

realistically, either they both take a step back, or one of them has to. Financially it's not as easy as "men need to compromise" when they are already expected to finance maternity leave - someone has to, nothing wrong with maternity leave.

You need a really high salary to keep up with your old child free life, after all that's what nannies are for but they don't come cheap.

Now if you decide to both stick with busy jobs and never see your own children, that's a personal choice.

As long as you are working NI credits shouldn't be a problem. I have full NI credits despite working part-time and having a few years break also as we where entitled to child benefit.

This.

I understand those saying continue full time, and that could work if you employed a nanny maybe? But otherwise, he has said it is affecting his work, can you afford for him to lose his job? Would he find a similar paid role with a poor reference? Could you drop a day and he compress his hours? The logical thing seems to be you working part time and him contributing to your pension. You can go back full time once the DC are older.

obviously it's possible if you manage to be on MN at 9am

However, it's not about the "pay bracket", but the actual role...

Go part time, you're lucky to have a supportive partner considering how awful many are portrayed on here. Family life has to come first

I would only do it if he picked up the short fall in your pension contributions

I did it but I did notice a big difference in my pension because I worked part time for 10 years. I would do it on the condition that you can top up your pension to the state it's in now.

Exactly

I agree with this, it’s what we do. DH works FT and earns less than me, I went PT by choice when I had DC. I also do a bit of SE work around DH/ DC. In the years leading up to having kids, I built my career to a comfortable level, ran a side business, put extra into my pension (which I still maintain now), had a lodger and paid a third of our mortgage at the time off. We both work in the public sector, my manager is incredible in that they are not backfilling my post as yet so happy for me to extend hours as and when it suits me. DH has an informal agreement with work to trial condensed hours until September which if it works will become permanent. Looking to up from 2.5x to 3.5x days from September when DC turns 3.

could I go back FT, out earn my husband and retire younger/ be more financially independent? Yes. Would I? Not unless I had no other choice because of the burden of rushing around/ paying out for things I do in the household in my “downtime”.

I love being part time. It works for us. Two children both still in primary. When they are more independent at secondary I can go back full time. However all money goes in a shared pot. If this wasn’t the case, I’m not sure it would work.

I'm 38, 3 kids and work part time. For me working full time with 3 kids in childcare was never going to be an option I was happy with. We do not have family to rely on for childcare so we must work around each other.

The key thing for me is that my dh has always been willing and able to adjust his hours,applied for flexible working so that I could work too. He then compressed his hours so we didn't need childcare after having our 3rd child. He recognises that working is not just about earning a wage and accruing a pension but that I very much enjoy helping people through my job and this contributes positively to my wellbeing.

My being at home more does not mean that he absolves himself of chores and he steps into his role as dad and dh as soon as he walks though the door or turns his laptop off, as do I after I come home from work. This is very much key to it working well for us as we are both committed to being on the same team. I'm not saying this to be boastful but illustrate without him thinking and behaving this way I would not have agreed to 3 kids, let alone part time working. You have to very much be on the same page and he shouldn't expect that just because you will be working less hours that 50:50 once he gets home should change. You know your dh better than I do but I would advise caution if you think he is likely to pull 'rank' by saying he does more hours than you so can't do x, y or z.

It sounds like the issue is the specific job you have not letting you do 6pm pick up and being stressful in general, and also possibly the pay. Maybe you just need to find a better job.

I went part time when my children were small. I'd say that that was the happiest and most relaxed time of my life. I felt like I had the perfect balance, and was in control of my life.

I was fortunate to be able to go back to full time with ease once I was ready, and it didn't affect my career progression at all.

Obviously without knowing you and your husband jobs, none of us can tell you what's best, but if you're in a secure role where there are always likely to be full time vacancies later, it does sound as though this is what you want to do.

You may need to look at pension issues, but to be honest, my few part time years didn't impact my pension anywhere near as much as I expected. But again, that's a very individual thing, so make your own checks.

I think you have to make sure your job can be done in part time hours, and that your husband knows he will still have to do housework etc so it doesn’t all fall to you. As others have said most primary schools do a breakfast club and after school club as well as holiday clubs.

You have already taken a career and pay hit simply by being a mother and taking mat leave (even if you went back very quickly).

Now you are being asked to take an even bigger hit to facilitate DH's career and earnings prospects which have not been hit by taking mat leave.

How is he proposing to make this up to your long term prospects?

How about he asks to go 4 days per week or possibly you both do to reduce the "rush" days? If the problem is you not making it for 6pm to nursery is he better placed to do pickups whilst you do dropoffs? Or are you doing all the pickups? One option I used when all were at primary was a "daily nanny" for three-ish hours a day after school, possibly something similar might work for you? I also found childminders could often offer more flexible hours than nurseries at the ends of the day.

In general, higher pay also brings more autonomy. He doesn't want his career prospects affected by having a family but you have already taken a hit and he is now asking you to take a bigger hit. He is asking you to take a massive risk to your future well being for his benefit, he should be willing to put things in place to ensure that if the worst happens your losses are minimised.

we’re both working full time with school age kids and it’s killing us. I moved to a 9 day fortnight which is better but I’d love to drop down a bit.

The challenge with primary school is so many of them seem to work on the assumption that parents don’t have a job whereas nursery is set-up to make your life easier. I’m actually lucky to have good wrap around until 6 but the things that are hard compared to nursery are:

1. fitting in homework, reading, music practice if applications
2. fitting in clubs
3. Doing a proper dinner (wrap around is just snacks, nursery fed them properly so could just pop to bed)
4. greater expectations of play dates
5. school doing special assemblies, buy a cake session at 3pm, random sporting events requiring collection at 2pm from a different location, giving you no notice to find a specific costume etc.
6. pta guilt tripping you into giving up your time to organise events or do a bar stint at a random summer fete.
7. kids going to bed later so less down time of an evening (especially when you’re trying to fit in all of the above).

Money is important, quality of life is more important. It sounds as if you get on well and support each other, it's nice to hear about a strong relationship. If you carry on with a lifestyle that makes you both stressed and unhappy it could well have a negative effect on your partnership. See if you can come up with a plan that you are both comfortable with. If you can, then do it.

We are in a very similar position with 2 toddlers, but I am the highest earner. I recently had a very similar conversation with my husband, as I would like him to go part time (I am working condensed hours myself already).

In addition to releasing some time for me to manage my workload, it would also mean saving money off nursery for a day or at least 0.5 day (we have a 1 yo and a 3 yo).
He is also on a really good pension scheme (much better than mine) but ultimately I'm the one who pays most of the bills now.

The alternative though is to increase your income to afford longer childcare hours, or find another job which allow you to do pick up whilst working full time.

OP has a career that she enjoys and pays her a good retirement rate. Why should she be hustled out just because it’s inconvenient for a man? Stay FT OP

So his solution is for you to sacrifice your career so he doesn't have to?

Hell no!!

@Pinkflowerpower I am retired HR who spent a lot of time looking at flexible working options.

Dropping to 30 hours a week 5 x 6 hours a day is probably the best part time option.

6 hours means legally you don’t have to take a break so you actually gain more time out of work.

5 days a week means you are present 5 days - I know it shouldn’t matter, but perception wise it often does. This is important for your career. It’s also easier to go back to full time.

If you can work flexi time e.g. 8-2 and DH does morning nursery/school drop offs you can do the pick ups. This allows DH to work late.

In income terms the drop in net income is not as big because you are losing the hours that have the highest deductions.

WRT your pension it is important that DH agrees you will jointly pay higher contributions (if you can) into your pension to replace the lost pension contributions. It’s easy to think you will be fine as you have his pension but if (sorry) he dies first you will benefit from having your own pension.

HTH
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