DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I did this. It was much better than being full time and everyone struggling. I ended up taking redundancy afterwards with a payout so that was sort of good timing. DH paid into a pension for me, still does now. I put part of the lump sum into a private pension aswell and whilst I was off and kid at nursery I renovated a flat which gives us a rental income now. Now I’m retraining in a new career that I’m excited about for the future. I think it can be a good idea to take a step back if you need to with some other elements in place to give you some security. Agree
pension is important!

From a financial perspective your DH is paying a higher marginal rate of tax. His income is also reducing your child benefit. If you go part time and he pays into a pension for you, you won't get the extra tax benefits as if he pays extra into his own pension. However as you're married you have rights to a share of his pension if you divorce (and should get share if it on death but look into that). So a tricky one to weigh up but assuming you stayed married you would be better off him putting more money into his pension. Alternatively if he went part time the impact on your overall income might not be as much as you think (have you calculated it?) due to not paying 40% income tax and getting full child benefit.

You sound like you have an enjoyable, rewarding career.

His complaint is that he is inconvenienced by having children, but he also says he would like to see them more during the week? Not sure how he'd see them more if he would like you to be the sole carer of the children during the week?

In your shoes I would get a childminder/babysitter to look after the children a few times a week (it sounds like that's all you really need?)

I'd be wary of a man basically cornering you into becoming financially dependent on him and doing the lion share of unpaid childcare/housework. It may be dressed up as logical because of the gender pay gap and your maternity leaves etc but it just reinforces the status quo. Which is that many women lose out on developing their careers & getting decent pensions once they have children.

You're in such a good position right now, but the wrong decision now could have huge repercussions on your future independence & quality of life and importantly the ability to leave a marriage if it all goes wrong.

I think two full time parents is absolutely to be avoided if possible. Life is about more than just maximising your earnings. Your children will be happier if they don't spend their lives rushing about.

BUT I would seriously consider you both reducing hours. If he is on 70k he is in the 40% tax bracket, so it does make sense for him to reduce hours too. Maybe if you worked three days and he worked four. Or even four and a half. He absolutely should be considering a flexible working request himself, not only is it tax efficient but it is also more likely to promote equality at home. He should also pay into your pension.

If you go part time, be very careful you don’t end up working just as hard as he then delegates everything to do with the house and children to you. You’ll then end up just as stressed but with a lower income.

How do you split your money? If it’s not all one pool and he’s not prepared to top up your pension then don’t do it,

personally I’d prefer to pay for more childcare or cleaning and keep my role
unless I was sure all money was equal and you didn’t have to shoulder everything at home

Do you see yourself doing four days or just dropping hours? I do 34, increased from 32 when the dc were very small and find it works well. I get a little bit more flexibility to collect dc from school so they are not in wraparound care from 8-6. As dh does rolling shifts he does the school run somedays so I either work longer or take some time to do some stuff around the house, or just have a cup of tea!

My days are much more manageable but my pay and pension have not suffered too much.

I would and did do this, despite my career being very important to me, my family is more important. The nature of my job meant I was not stepping back from development/promotion opportunities though, and I restarted full-time once DC were a bit older.

DH did earn more than me when I went parttime (he doesn't anymore) - although you need to think hard about the most suitable parttime working pattern. Shorter days at work to enable pick ups sounds great but can turn into a stressful race every day as you leave work earlier than everyone else (not great) and arrive at the nursery/school gate just in time, then still have all the afternoon/evening activities to sort out. I have changed my hours a few times and five days of school hours was the worst for me - relentless and never quite in control of work or home.
Having days off also sounds good but if you have the DC home from nursery to save money you don't have a huge amount of time for housework/admin and still have the problems of pickups etc on the days you do work.

Can you start earlier to make sure you finish in time to do pickups, so DH drops off and you pick up? He is definitely not more important than you, he needs to do his share, but you both need to be able to do that without jeopardising your jobs.

I wouldn’t.

I value my independence, my career and my development far too much to sacrifice it. It’s not even about the money, I want to work in full time employment more than I want to be any form of SAHP.

Lots of people make it work with both parents working full time. Myself and my partner both work 40+ hour weeks with a disabled child at home.

In no way is it easy, and we do have very little time, but I still honestly wouldn’t even consider dropping hours/days, as I like having my own “thing” and identity outside of the home.

We have switched back and forth over the past 10 years with kids, with one of us always having a more home based or part time role. Our kids are SEN and nannies and childminders, after school clubs etc do not work for them so someone needs to be at home to pick them up as we have no other help. I think you could go part time for a bitz but put a time limit on it. Don't make it the norm forever. Do you like your current career? If not then maybe say to DH that 6ou will go part yime but also wantbto study or work towards switching or improving your career too, don't leave yourself high and dry with no options.

I wouldn't just consider the career. Most posters seem to focus on earning and career potential but there are also 2 young DC under 3 who are (by the sound of it) in nursery daily until 6. I get that it sometimes cannot be helped but you are clearly have a very high combined income and there is room for change. Doesn't really matter who makes changes but nobody seems to consider the toddlers. If you are that well off (105k combined is shed loads), what is the point of having DC if they are in nursery for such an extended amount of time when one of you (or both) could reduce your hours and give them a bit more attention. There is more to live than earning and a career, esp with such young kids.

Honestly if you're financially in a situation to do this I would absolutely jump at the chance. Children grow up soo fast, give yourself a chance to enjoy this time a bit more

Absolutely. Well said.

OP: The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home

If this is how you feel, then I think you should go for part-time. You're risking burnout if you carry on trying to squeeze everything in around a FT job that's already emotionally taxing.

Part-time isn't necessarily forever. I dropped out of work completely when the DCs were babies,then went freelance, then part time, and am now nearly back up to full time. Plenty of women change careers in mid-life, too, and are happier for it.

I think it would be an option worth exploring but only on your terms if you are happy to. From a tax perspective your husband is in the 40% tax bracket and you are in the 20% so incremental net earnings for him is 1.5x to yours. An idea could be for him to go to 4.5 and you could do 4 (2 half days) then you have 3 afternoons covered. From a finance standpoint, understandable that’s still not as good as him being full time but it’s not all about the money.

Being able to spend more time with your children is a gift. You’ll all be happier and more relaxed.

If you’re not - you can go back to FT after all, so why not try it. You probably won’t look back and will wonder how you ever did it.

I was the same, except was earning same, maybe even a bit more, as husband. We had a significant drop in income but it was worth it. My children are teens now and happily more or less independent, I’m working longer hours. I’m so happy I could spend the time with them as little ones - it never comes back!

It’s good your DH is asking anyway.

And so the gender pay gap continues..

I wouldn't because I would hate playing "second fiddle" to a man's career. I earned a lot less than my husband when we had our first child. I now earn a lot more than him and I wouldn't have got there if I'd gone part time for a few years.

But that's me. From what you've said you want to do this, so do it, but make sure he tops up your pension and doesn't assume all house chores are your job "because you only work part time".

Yes do it, it sounds likes it’s the right thing for your family right now. You can still work part time and return full time when the children are older. Life is short and your children will only be little once. If finances allow it, being there to drop your kids off and collect them, feeling less rushed and have a bit of time to get things sorted at home is invaluable and will make for more secure children, and a happier home for all 🙏🏽🩷

I went part-time at 37 and never went back to full-time! And I was the higher earner! I loved the work-life balance. After having kids my priorities totally changed. Imagine you’re 58 like me looking back on those years. I treasure the time I had with the kids and never for one second wish I’d worked more.

It makes sense in your situation. With children at that age it's a good idea to make your lives easier where possible.

In my experience reducing your hours a bit in your current job/career can be a good thing.
But working school hours only or leaving your career to try to find a unicorn “mum job” is absolutely a bad idea.

I and many friends dropped to 0.8fte when our children were preschool to mid primary age. Most are able to go back up to ft as the children get older, but that’s because they stayed in the same job - glass handcuffs.

I think it’s a great idea. In my circle, everyone went from full time to part time after having children.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time

As long as you are still working, you are not ruining your career. It does like the sensible option.

Children grow up fast, you never get these years back. You also need to be realistic about school!

It's not just the wraparound care, it's all the time off! Nurseries are open all year round apart from Christmas (usually), schools are what feel like on permanent holidays/ inset days/ election day (schools used as a polling station obviously close).. the list is endless, and add all the nativity/ sports day/ reward day.

Of course you can miss most of these, but childcare is a nightmare when they start school. Preschool is expensive but easy!

Exactly this. I went part time when my children were small. I never agayworked full time although I did do a masters degree and did fairly well at work in the end BUT it did mean everything really landed on me shopping cooking housework then caring for elderly parents etc etc . Also I did loads of unpaid work which I think a lot of part time workers end up doing especially if it's a fairly senior role.
Having said all that I'm still glad because I had a lot of time with the children especially in the school holidays and when they were teenagers .
Also I've been v lucky with our health and my husband did v well in his career and has always shared finances equally.
There's pros and cons to everything

It sounds like your job is a 'taking' job in terms of energy and emotional reserves and that you'd be happier part-time.

Your kids are only young for a short time so I'd go part-time and enjoy this time with them and do a bit less rushing around. Other people won't like me saying this but 8-6 in nursery five days a week is a lot of time in childcare for young children. Some people HAVE to do it and for those families it's the best compromise to make sure there's enough money to live on. But if you don't have to...

BUT make sure you protect yourself in this. I suspect your job would be an easy one to increase your hours again if you want to, if not I'd rethink. Agree with pp that your DH should agree to top up your pension. And lay down ground rules early doors. Looking after two under fives is full on; he will still need to do most of what he is doing housework/laundry/cooking. Make sure he's not envisaging a return to the 1950s!