DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

This. I came here to say how about buying in help, if it is available. Someone to pick up the children and get them home?

automatically suggesting it’s him that doesn’t have to change their role but you do wouldn’t sit well with me

automatically suggesting that the higher earner doesn't change their role and suddenly start earning a lot less is pretty sensible... it doesn't matter if it's the husband or wife.

On loads of other threads on here people are all like 'you'd be mad to have a baby without getting married! Protect yourself and future finances in case you have to take a break for childcare or work part time'. The OP is married- that's her security. If he dies, I'm sure he's insured (right OP?!) and if they split he'll pay maintenance and she can go back full time. Right now they're in a happy marriage and need more time/less stress. She's the lower earning so her working less won't hit as hard. I'd be grabbing it with both hands OP - either 3 full days a week or 4 shorter days.

And at someone earning 70K DH may well be in the sort of role that sometimes requires him to work late at short notice - which he can never do if he has to leave at a certain time to make the nursery pick up and will impact on his role (as OP has noted).

There is something inherently stressful about knowing you have to leave at x time every day. When my DC got old enough not to need picking up from after school club it was suddenly much easier. Even if 90% of the time I was still leaving at exactly the same time if felt much more relaxed.

In an ideal world, I'd suggest both partners should share nursery pickups. (and similarly drop offs). Is this something that could happen?

Have you considerered a nanny? It might be cheaper than nursery of you have two kids at home and they could cook dinner and keep the kids bedrooms tidy and do the kids washing.

From the DC's perspective it's nice to have a parent pick you up from school rather than always after school clubs to allow family time, friends to play and more hobbies. If you can afford it i would always prioritise family life.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

I think you should. Most importantly for your child. They get to see more of you, a less stressed, more patient version of you. That’s priceless.

You can always work for yourself or go back to full time in the future.

Being the main source of income doesn't mean "more important". It just means being the main source of income. I dislike seeing these conflated.

Whilst it does make life easier, I personally would not do it, for reasons others have already outlined - the biggest one being, god forbid you split or he passes away unexpectedly, you're left with a reduced pension and part-time pay.

When looking at school places, look for a school that has a good before and after school club at an affordable price. Ours is £23 per day (run by a private company)!! Whereas the next school down where my friend's daughter attends is £7 a day (run by school staff). This has meant that she's been able to retain her fulltime hours. There are also no childminders who service our school, but another friend's school has a childminder who does after school hours for £6 a day.

Yes, there's the running around after work still, but you soon get into a routine. Before reducing workloads, I'd look at flexible working requests where one of you could start early, and be home for pick-ups, and the other start later to do school drop-offs. If possible, alternate it on different days so each of you has the opportunity to finish late if needed.

He can do the nursery/school drop offs then...

Don't. You'll end up doing full-time work on part-time pay both at home and at work.

This thread makes me a little bit sad...

Why have kids if you can't enjoy spending life with them and supporting them in their early years?

Everyone is talking about money on this thread but there is little mention of the importance of parents spending time with their kids? (and I am not saying this is the woman's responsibility, that applies to both parents).

It sounds to me that you would have an easier life working part-time while your kids as small. Your husband could also look at improving its work/life balance and support you more.

I wonder whether all these people who put their work as the ultimate priority all the time won't regret later not enjoying more time with their kids. Life is short and should not be just about material things.

I think being part time with small children is beneficial and will give you time to enjoy them. It depends on how your part time hours work. I found once they were at school I was the one doing all the running around plus working most days so wasn’t so great for me. But it did allow time to attend school assemblies etc I wouldn’t have wanted to be full time.

We are in your position OP but my DH is part time. But we both still do pick ups, I do mid week when eldest goes to after school club and DH does the shorter days.
How flexible is your work? You can go part time to 4 days but request flexible work pattern?

I would also say the biggest part is also prep! We use the slow cooker/batch cooking or quick 15 min meals a lot!
Cleaning....robot vacuum cleaners, I often clean the bathroom when the kids are in the bath then finish the bath when they are out etc.

The other thing I wanted to say is - if you do decide to go part time, make sure you're both on the same page as to what it means

Especially if you're not very part time - say 4 days a week - if you're looking after two under 5s that day, it is unlikely to solve the housework issues, to be honest, your house may end up more not less messy from having the kids in it all day

Similarly - it won't mean your DH never has to do any pick ups again as you'll still be working some days.

Which isn't to say it isn't worthwhile - we both did 4 days a week when both were in nursery and we really enjoyed our days with the kids.

But if he has in mind that it will solve everything and he won't have to compromise at work at all, it won't end well

As long as it works for both of you right now, then why not? It doesn't have to be forever.

Echo what others have said though. Increase your pension contributions so you're putting the same amount away as before.

And make sure your DH understands he will need to meet extra costs, not just because of your decreased salary but because you're also increasing pension payments.

My thoughts exactly. All these calculations here about tax etc and what sort of arrangement would be financially better and why. Nobody is considering the two young DC. It's all about career progression and £££. Quite sad!

Urgh, where's his compromise? All loss of earnings and additional grunt work on you while his career charges ahead. Bloody selfish men.

Tell him he can go part time. You already took maternity leaves

This thread is a great example of why things won't ever change completely for women. Unless men start to push back and ask employers to be more family friendly it won't change. The fact is that men don't want to. I firmly believe that many don't want the 'hassle' of having to do pick ups and then being at home and being expected to do (womens) housework/cooking. After all there is always something much more important going on at work with their big jobs. The majority of men don't even think about a compromise in hours etc, it's always the woman that goes part time as it's 'easier' and because surprise surprise they earn less! Or it's let's get a cleaner, another woman, and this will be organised and managed by the wife.

Then someone pops up on this thread and says 'no don't pay into your pension OP, pay into his as he is a higher rates payer'! Nevermind that you'll never have control of that money and if he leaves you you're stuffed!

Don't go part time OP, work something else out, stand your ground, get him to compromise too.

As others have said, him dropping down won't reduce your household income by as much as you dropping down given that he's paying 40% tax and you aren't. If you could both go to 80% time that would be ideal. You'd also get more child benefit as he will be paying some back in HICBC at that wage.
And I second choosing a school based on wrap around provision. This was our main priority when picking a school, and ours is open from 7:45, and after school club finishes at 5:45. But I didn't look into the cost, stupidly assuming everywhere would be similar and actually ours costs loads - but there's another school up the road where the cost is half what we pay. We are really lucky we only need to use the provision once or twice a week otherwise it would be costing us an extra £420 a month compared to at the other school.

But he currently can't because OP says she can't do the pick ups.

So, in exact contrast to all the people insisting that DH's job is being treated as more important, DH is currently the one leaving in time to pick up his children even if this impacts his role, whereas OP's role can't be impacted by her doing this.

I was in a similar position and went part time. I now work 26 hours over 3 days.

It’s been great for us. I manage to sort out housework/admin/shopping etc on the days I’m not at work, meaning weekends are less stressful. I’m there for DC after school or nursery as well as being able to go to school activities, plays and all that type of thing. It’s also easier when they are sick which is very often at the moment.

I pay less into a pension yes but for the sake of maybe 5 years I’m not worried about it. We’ve had to cut back on some things but being there for the children was more important to me than fancy holidays. It wasn’t about my husbands job being more important either but at the end of the day it makes no sense for the higher earner to drop hours.

I am a huge fan of part-time working and am part-time myself, but there is a huge danger here that if you are part-time and he stays full-time, that you will end up doing 100% of the child-related work. He will opt out of all pick-ups, never take a day off work when they are sick, leave you to cover all the holidays etc. I wouldn't go part-time unless you have reassurance from him that he will continue to pull his weight and not leave everything to you.

I know lots of couples where the woman was part-time and she was never able to get the man to reengage with the domestic load, even when the kids were older and she wanted to go full-time again. Don't let this happen to you.

A 6pm pickup should not result in him having to leave 'early' he probably just doesn't want to be the one doing pick ups and dealing with child wrangling

You don't work do you!

Being at the nursery at 6pm IS early enough, but making your way there absolutely means leaving work early for many workers, high salary or not.

Some posters really have a sheltered life and no idea of the real world.