DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I have been part time for the last 10 years. I did go up to 4 days last year although I finish at 3 on 2 of those days. I do 26 hours over 4 days. My older 3 children are at secondary school and my youngest is year 2 of primary.
It works well for us and being mainly wfh it means I can do drop off every morning and pick up 3 out of 5 days a week.
Financially yes I earn less but it makes life less manic. It also gives me a day with my mum who is recently widowed and unwell right now.
Life is still manic but less so than working full time. It's the clubs and the general running them everywhere that makes it hard!
We've always had one joint account so it's never been an issue. I probably know more about our finances than my husband does but he does earn a lot more. I've made sure to increase my pension contributions.
I'm approaching mid 40s now so don't know if I'll ever go back to full time as by the time my youngest is in secondary school I'll be old and knackered!

You suggest that as if it's so easy. The odds on both working in roles that can accommodate flexi time, and them being granted it, is pretty small

Your maths is over simple. As others have pointed out, the way tax and benefits work he’d see a more manageable drop.

‘Feminism is all well and good’ sounds like something a DH asking/telling his wife to go PT to facilitate his life and work would say.

I agree that from a tax point of view it makes much more sense for the higher earner to reduce hours.

I also agree that the reason some jobs are high earning are because there is little flex and trying to reduce hours would get you managed out very quickly and most families can't afford that..

That's not to say there aren't roles that it could happen. A lot of men are nervous to ask and are actually concerned about career progression, rather than actually losing their job.

Except your simple maths doesn't take account of the fact that he pays higher rate tax, and that it's the take-hone pay (and possible new eligibility for child benefit) that needs to be considered.

Have you looked at other childcare options? It seems like the main issue (other than the sheer relentless of having 3 children under 3) is that the 6pm nursery pickup is very difficult - you sometimes can't get back to do it, and DH can do it but it impacts his job.

A nanny, or a childminder with a later pickup time might work out better for you?

Honestly the main thing here is that this idea hasn’t come from you and has come from your DH, who doesn’t want to make the slightest sacrifice in his job the the family but expects you to.
The difference between a 70k and 35k salary isn’t actually half take home.

As depressing as it is you do have to factor in a life after him, you could leave him, he could leave you, one of you could become ill. It’s one thing to know you’ve reduced your hours because that was what you wanted to do, but it’s another to have done it so your DH doesn’t have to be as involved in family life.

Do you have the option of condensing your hours? If you already struggle to do the pick up, could you work 9 days in 10 or perhaps 4 in 5? I know those days you are working it will be long days but then you would be able to give your husband one day a week where he is fully flexible.
I'm not sure if that would be enough of a compromise?

But the maths isn't simple here.

The OP will be taxed basic rate and NI on that 7k drop so would lose £4,900 take home

Her DH will be taxed higher rate and NI on the 14 k drop so would lose £7000 take home

So not actually a huge difference between which of them does it. If the DH doing it gives them back child benefit, it takes it quite close to no difference

And if the OP is on a public sector pension (implied) and her DH is on a private sector pension (v possible), it might even be more cost effective for him to do it

The difference between them doing it is unlikely to be so huge that it has to be her if she doesn't want to

This ^. It's his attitude that he is more impt that is dreadful.

Explore all options. Eg my husband started an hour later and I started half an hour earlier so that we could manage pick ups and drop offs between us. Look into childminders who might open a bit later (and who do after school pick ups as well). Part time is an option but there may be others

I would say yes if you can. I went part-time when my kids were little. My pension and career took a hit, and I have now separated from my partner and back to working full-time, supporting myself, and my career is back on track. Is my partner better off financial after the split- yes, do I regret going part-time and having more time with my kids when they were little- no, not one jot. I would do the same again.

I'm always slightly suspicious of employers who don't value a work life balance, and men who won't consider submitting a flexible working request because their job is too important/ can't possibly be done within different hours etc. Men working flexibly still feels a bit taboo in many industries. It always seems to me that it's men and their employers who struggle with this concept, while women are left battling with the consequences of a stalled career or trying to do it all.

I honestly do understand the practicalities of working ft and juggling childcare and everyday life. I understand why the lower earner often makes sacrifices for the family. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't question whether there is an alternative way.

For a start, it doesn't always get worse when dc go to school. There are some excellent childminders out there - have you considered that? They're often cheaper, do school drop off and pick ups and have a quieter home-from-home environment where children can chill out and decompress from a busy day at school.

Flexible working is an obvious option. Again, I realise this is easier in some jobs than others, but why isn't this an option for you/ your husband?

If the above isn't pragmatic, what other jobs are out there that provide a better work life balance for both of you, without sacrificing your careers?

And as others have said, if you do agree to go pt, will your dh agree to pay into a pension for you?

I am the higher earner in our relationship (two dc, additional needs). I actually found that the higher I earned, the greater flexibility there was so i was the one who went part time. Admittedly, we've also had a first rate childminder for 14 years who has been a godsend.

All I'm saying is op, keep your options open and have a full and frank discussion about the potential impact on you and your career.

Your issue isn't you working its where your nursery is. With a 6pm pickup if you put the kids in a nursery near his work it really shouldn't be an issue.
Dont worry about school - wraparound childcare exists to cover the period after school.

Its your choice but you are right to worry your career will quickly be minimised while he has the opportunity to maximise his and you are left with the unpaid labour of kids and household chores.

This is why so many women earn less than men - plenty of statistics show men and women are paid similar wages in their 20's, then children arrive and its women's pay that takes the hit.

A 6pm pickup should not result in him having to leave 'early' he probably just doesn't want to be the one doing pick ups and dealing with child wrangling

I went pt for years while the kids were little. My career fell back during those years but has gone well in subsequent years and I have zero regrets. I loved the time that I spent with my kids.

My husband bought added years in my pension when I went back properly

What are both your current job set ups, hours, wfh days etc? Surely there is a way to flex both your existing roles slightly to suit?
After my second mat leave I started and finished an hour earlier to make pick up/ drop off easier. So he does all mornings and then I do all pick ups.
And no offence to your husband but 70k isn’t the ultra high earning big man job that means you can’t request any flexibility!
My DH starts earlier on his wfm days and condenses lunch so he can finish earlier, this way he has 2 evenings a week with us as when he’s in the office he gets back late.

There are clearly even more complexities - future potential earnings, career progression for both etc. etc. This is for OP and her husband to discuss. Will benefits and tax bracket change make up 28k annually? I am not sure it will but if it does, then yes, he could drop a couple of days with no impact on the family.
I just don't accept any mentioning of women working part time immediately being met with "you will lose financial independence" comments. I am perfectly financially independent on 30h per week, for example. And my FT salary is about half way between OP and her husband so not a massively high earner by any stretch of imagination.

Ultimately it comes down to what you want to do, I went down to 3 days when ds was young and I was the higher earner, I did it because I wanted to, financially it would have made more sense for dh to cut days

@Taigabread A 6pm pickup should not result in him having to leave 'early' he probably just doesn't want to be the one doing pick ups and dealing with child wrangling

This isn’t a given to be fair, some office roles are until 6pm.

Who does the drop offs?

Yes indeed - if the DH has topped out in his career, but the OP could still get another big promotion, it makes a difference - or vice versa.

And definitely agree that there's a lot of difference between part time roles. I am technically part time - like you, 30hrs a week - but given that I earn 90k, definitely not financially dependent! And DH also works 30 hrs a week anyway

Just do it! Why are you even questioning it? I went part time when my child was young. When he was older I went back full time and just make additional contributions to my pension. It’s much harder once they start school to work full time and find wrap round care!

The thing a lot of people miss in these discussions is that we often, better paid work can be more flexible than lower paid roles. It depends on the job.

You need to think hard about what you can both do to protect your income, pensions and future careers.

Throwing away your own potential to remove an inconvenience for him isn't a smart move.

Think about changing jobs if your current ones are inflexible. But don't go part time and become semi dependent on him, you are signing up to be a skivvy and the inferior partner in the relationship. Because why shouldn't he also take a hit? Has he even asked his work for flexibility?

So many women sacrafice their careers because of a flawed assumption that their whole lives matter less than temporary inconvenience to a man.

I’d be wary of dropping part time too significantly for reasons others have mentioned . Sounds like you both need to flex as much as possible to have long days and shorter days where you can accommodate pick ups.
Could you do 4 long days ? A school time contract would really limit you in terms of career progression and being seen as a serious professional . Have you got a cleaner? You need one . Make sure you get get kids into wrap around school care quickly / find a good childminder etc.
The toughest year for school holidays is when they are 4 - too young for the holiday clubs, too old for nursery. You might need parental leave that year for 6 weeks to cover the school holidays and then bother use annual leave to manage the rest of the holidays .

I would jump at the chance while the kids are so young. I wouldn’t want mine in nursery for the entire day if I had the chance to be with them.