To find what DC said really sad?

[Haemagoblin]

I was parking the car with my DD8 in the back, and making a bit of a hash of it. I laughed to DD "God I hope Daddy's not looking out the window, he'll be laughing at me!"

She replied "he wouldn't laugh - he doesn't even smile very much".

I find this so so sad. I mean she's not wrong, he's a bit of a gloomy person; but he does try to be a good dad, playfights with them and teases them and makes jokes,so I guess I didn't realise how much his naturally quite negative vibe was actually being picked up on by the children.

Should I talk to him about it? We are not in a very good place so I worry he'll see it as me getting at him - but if my kid had said something like that about me I'd want to know!

Maybe if you were in a better place he would be in better mood? Any date nights or together time on the horizon? X

Is he depressed?

Our sole purpose in life isn’t to keep men happy you know. He needs to look at himself and try and appear a little more up beat if even an 8 year old notices.

The answer to that is a very long story. My version is I have been doing everything I can to put it right and get to nothing back; he would certainly have a different version. "Date nights" are few and far between because we have young kids and no support. When we get them it can feel like a lot of pressure tbh. I think basically we are very badly suited but we're in it now and I certainly won't countenance initiating breaking up and making the kids lives exponentially more complicated unless that's what he wants. I have raised it before and he says he doesn't.

I dare say he would be a lot happier if "we" were happier; but from my perspective, one of the main reasons our relationship is on the skids is because he's so fucking miserable, grumpy and negative. So I suppose it's a bit chicken and egg.

Why the fuck is it OP's responsibility to jolly him along?

I would tell him but say it in a kind way, rather than say your DD thinks you're fucking miserable. It might give him a kick if he knows he's affecting her too.

Quite possibly. I definitely was, sought help with counsellor and then GP and am now medicated which means I am under control. He would NEVER countenance medication and would be hugely unlikely to go to the GP. He did attend a CBT course for anger management at my urging/ultimatum and that did seem to do him a lot of good in the sense gat he doesn't have angry outbursts like he used to do. But he certainly isn't happy. I often feel like I am medicated for both of us tbh.

Well to be fair to that poster I do feel a bit like it is my responsibility, inasmuch as he's the father I chose for my kids and if his unhappiness affects them that is my concern. My life is a continual weighing up of whether things are better for them like this, with a fairly straightforward life but exposed to a not very cheerful dad, or with a split family and spending 50% of their time with ONLY that not very cheerful dad. Whilst weighing up whether he might actually be happier and less miserable if we weren't together. I'm honestly quite ruthless about our relationship at this point - I only consider it in terms of what is better for the children. I gave up on any hope of being able to get any joy out of it myself a long time ago, and more recently gave up on any hope of being able to make him happy either.

I have nothing of use to add. But I feel very similarly. I’m so sorry OP

You don’t sound very happy either OP. Don’t you think the children are picking up on that too, or will as they grow older?

Just to add to some of the more constructive comments above - you sound like a very reflective, self-aware person. Your kids are lucky to have you x

From what you’ve said, I’d leave - the kids will be happier.

Better 50% with misery guts than 100 %
Consider your options

you dont want to upset the kidsby leaving but one at least has noticed hes grumpy how do you think it affects them living with that

Maybe your depression is due to living with him. I don't mean that flippantly, I was clinically depressed during a relationship and once we split I no longer needed medication, anxiety and depression just disappeared.

Tell him what she said. See what he does with that information.
That'll tell you all you need to know.

Nothing like kids to give us a kick up the arse with their truthfulness.
It is not your sole responsibility to snap him out of his old - you need to work together if he is willing to make this family work.

Yes you could mention it to him. Kids do say a lot of whack stuff though, if your DD is happy and thriving herself, and her and her dad have a nice relationship, I wouldn't think that much into it. My 4yo asked the other day;

"Does everyone die?"
"Yes, everyone dies eventually. It's normal".
"Will I die?"
"Yes lovely, everyone does. You won't for a long time though [God willing and touch wood!!]. Are you worried about it?"
cheerfully "No, just interested!"

Five minutes later, he was talking about Batman.

Unless it becomes a big deal, I'd say to your DD something along the lines of "Yes, Daddy can be a bit gloomy, can't he? Everyone's different. But he loves us, and enjoys us, and there are lots of things he does enjoy. Some people just have grumpier faces, it's nothing to worry about". And leave it at that.

She’s picked up on the bad vibe OP and unless he has Michael Sheen level of acting talent, he won’t be able to “be jolly” for the children and pull the wool over their eyes. It’s not a healthy relationship to be modelling to her. Staying together “for the kids” is often a poor decision. I’m really sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh but I was the child in this scenario in the 1980s and to this day I feel sad for my parents, who were ill-suited and should have parted amicably.

You deserve to be happy. People (smart, loving people) have left marriages for less reasons than you have. The two i personally know have been loving life ever since taking the plunge.
You could try the book "too bad to stay, too good to go" (or something like that).

I would try mentioning it to him but not in a challenging way: “You know DD has noticed the other day that you are not smiling much”and then see how he reacts.
I said “try” because in reality I would be very upset about it and worried that it would lead to a quarrel. I would be diplomatic only for 15 minutes and then I would give up and blame him for being f* miserable and upsetting kids.

I guess the issue is I was the child in the 80s of parents who split (as they should, they were poorly suited) and life was pretty shit then too and it has led to lots of problems for me. Splitting up opens the door to a lot of unknowns - what if he gets another partner who isn't good to my kids? What if they have more kids and my girls feel replaced/pushed out? What if losing his family life makes him even more miserable and they have to deal with that on their own? And even in the best case having to move between two houses neither of which is your permanent home is destabilising. Breaking up does not guarantee a better situation for my kids, and reduces the amount I can control that/protect them.

I wish there was a "winning" option, but the way I've stacked the deck for them means it's just different flavours of less than ideal.

I have considered this possibility, but maybe if he was with someone more like himself he would be less unhappy too. Maybe, maybe... So many maybes. To be fair depression runs in both our families so maybe it was always inevitable. One thing is for sure we shouldn't have had kids together; but they're here now and literally all I want is to make things as safe and comfortable and healthy for them as possible. I just don't know what that is ☹️

I think your response depends on your assessment of how long this gloomy phase is likely to continue. Not that you're able to predict the future. But do you think it's possible he's going to snap out of it anytime soon? If so then I'd just try to make light of it in front of kids for now. Your kids are youngish by the sounds.

Sorry I can't help but just thinking about my parents who I knew were considering divorce when I was a teenager but then it did smooth over. In the end they were very happy together. ( Affairs on both sides but divorce would have carried a stigma back in the day). I know they were happy in the end, you just know these things. So could you two end up happy together?

She replied "he wouldn't laugh - he doesn't even smile very much"

Has he ever though? Did he once smile and laugh and has stopped, or he never really did?

Asking as I have one (adult) child that I could probably count on two hands the number of times they have done that. It was pretty much from birth. To the extent that I once got a phone call from their school to be met with an excited teacher on the other end telling me that my child had laughed that day. It’s not that they are depressed or don’t have a sense of humour. For example, after watching it at the cinema, they came home and told me I really had to go see a particular movie they had seen as it was so funny all the way through. They then came with me as they were so keen to see it again. They didn’t laugh once when we watched it, but that’s not to say they didn’t think it was funny, as they kept on about how funny it was. It’s the same for many other things. They experience joy/happiness/mirth but that doesn’t mean having to smile or laugh.

They are my only kid like this, all the rest have always smiled and laughed. Sometimes it’s just an individual thing and there is nothing wrong with the person. I’d really hate for my child to be called many of the names that have been thrown out on here!