To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

[Neverasecalone]

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

Yes I think it’s part of it as we at least had this time together

Dh is from the uk too, he just doesn’t like the thought of living back there

100% this.

I think it’s when she argued that her parents visit her sister every year for birthdays. It sounded a bit entitled.

Especially as she won’t confirm whether her sister lives abroad or not.

It’s funny how you do things for/with people for years and the one time you don’t - it causes upset.

@Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles that partly depends on where they live surely. DC's GPs all lived a fair way away from us, there were also divorces and step grandparents in the mix. We couldn't have accommodated all of them and even if we could there would have been certain tensions. So no expectations of GPs attending DC's birthday parties here.

Hopefully you can reach agreement with DH. It’s hard to be away from your home country and family if you don’t want to be and little things can seem much bigger deal.
Could you work more to afford to travel back with dd more regularly.

It's fine to feel sad about it as long as you don't say that to your parents, you shouldn't be trying to change their mind on this. I have lived abroad, and you do have to miss out on important occasions in other people's lives and vice versa, it's just the nature of being an expat. It's also definitely true that as people age they do less well in the heat, so you just have to accept that visiting later in the year suits them better and make special memories on your daughter's birthday without them.

YANBU to be upset op if they have always come and your DD is upset.
But as you live away rather than them moving away I don't think you can really expect it or be upset with them. Where does your DSIS live, is she in the same country?
Maybe use it as an excuse to do something you wouldn't normally do because her GP's are there, like going karting or something a bit different so it won't be as obvious on the day to your DD that they are missing.

The heat is draining - my mum dislikes it particularly as she has aged.

Kids need to learn disappointment - your DD will be fine !

YANBU to be sad about it but your parents have done nothing wrong.

You are sad because you have chosen to live in a different country and have children, not because they have changed the date of their usual visit.

Your parents are aging. They're uncomfortable with the heat where you live at that time of year. They're more vulnerable to things like heat exhaustion and heat stroke too. There might be health issues that heat exacerbates. Look at what happened to Dr Mosley.

You're coming off self centered here. They've come to you for 7 years, and they still will, just not when you want.

Maybe they really do find it too hot at that time of year and have been plucking up courage for several years to break the news to you. Perhaps they think now your daughter is a bit older she'll be more excited to celebrate with her friends.

It's fine to feel a bit sad. But they sound involved and willing to travel to you in order to maintain the relationship that you live overseas.

Things change, your daughter is getting older and friends will become more important to her. Your parents are getting older and travel and heat will be getting more difficult for them.

You could start to think about how frequently you can visit them as well as them reciprocating. And do what you can to ensure their visits to you are comfortable for them.

My kids GPs live in the same country, a couple of hours drive. They visited for DC1's 1st, 2nd and 3rd birthdays. They didn't for DC2's.

Feel a momentary wave of nostalgia about the change but then move on and try to be positive about things.

Jeez my parents live 5 mins away and miss my kids birthdays sometimes. I can't even believe this is a question. You sound very entitled. Presumably you moved away.

I get that it hurts if you want to come back, but the obligation here isn't on your parents. Stop making a drama of it to your child.

But presumably your sister doesn't live in a very hot country?
I think you are being unreasonable and your daughter can look forward to enjoying two celebrations.

Sounds like the real issue is you don’t want to live there anymore and want to come home and your DH doesn’t.

If your parents are late 60s then it’s probably going to become more likely they will be unable to or unwilling to travel to you as much as they have been doing. If you all stay over there it’s probably time to start getting used to the fact you’re going to see them less, unless you start travelling to them instead.

I'm sorry, but you can't possibly expect your parents to spend your daughter's birthday with her every year. Most kids don't see their grandparents on their birthday every year even when they live round the corner. You chose to move to another country; you need to accept that this means you will not be able to summon your family to spend every special occasion with you.

Heat gets harder to manage as you get older and I think you’re ignoring this because you’re annoyed with them . There’s no point in them coming when it’s hot enough that they will be lethargic and miserable the whole time. As someone who hates being too hot, I think yabu.

Sorry OP, you really can’t expect the GPs to come over for every single one of your child’s birthdays. This is an expectation of yours, not something that GPs in most families do. They visit, you see them a fair bit, but it’s up to them to choose when they come. Your dd is just a bit disappointed because she’s used to it, but also because it’s your expectation and you are disappointed.

OP and her daughter are disappointed and sad - perfectly normal reactions when a tradition with much loved family members ends for whatever reason.
I doubt OP thought it would last for ever but perhaps she has been blindsided with it happening so soon especially without the any background issues of health issues.

Ok this is true but it really isn't a big deal. Children get over things and if you make it a big deal to them it will be. OK it's sad ... now move on with life. Your mum told you she's not coming due to the heat not because she's dying or cant be bothered to come.. this is not serious, how on earth do you deal with real serious issues op?

It's expensive but you expect your parents to do it every year multiple times.

You definitely sound entitled. Especially as they don't want to be visiting when it's too hot for them.

Plenty of children don't see grandparents for their birthdays. Stop making your child expect it.

You are being entitled and ridiculous OP. Also very selfish to expect your parents to make the trip each year when they’ve offered a reasonable excuse this year, and made plenty of effort in the past. You sound very childish and self absorbed. Consider what they’ve told you, it’s too hot for them now, think about your older parents

Two birthdays parties can be easily sell to a kid as a big great deal.
Who doesn't enjoy two birthdays parties as a kid?

My parents are 60-odd miles away, and have rarely seen my sons on their actual birthdays. We usually go for a weekend just before or after each of their birthdays, and that works out beautifully. My Mum's come to most infant birthday parties, my Dad's only come to one (when my Mum wasn't well) and that's fine, too. Hordes of over-excited infants rampaging around on sugar isn't everyone's idea of fun!

You can't disallow feelings! However, softening the blow is absolutely the right approach, I think.