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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

220 replies

Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 10:23

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 28/01/2025 11:23

I wonder if it’s a bit if she’s growing up/times changing that’s making you feel sad. That type of family party is probably more what you do with younger child.
She’s growing up.
Kids pick up on your emotions.
So her saying not for my birthday I’d have just said granny’s coming in September and not made any more issue of it.

JandamiHash · 28/01/2025 11:24

Bloody hell I begrudge going to the next town for birthday parties let alone abroad!

Although if it’s a long way away why would you tell your DD now?! Unecessary drama.

heyhopotato · 28/01/2025 11:24

Get aircon?

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:24

DaisyChain505 · 28/01/2025 11:09

Kindly, the world doesn’t revolve around your daughter and the day she happened to be born.

If your parents are uncomfortable coming that time of year due to the heat that is absolutely fair enough. You’re acting as if they’ve told you they don’t like your daughter and will no longer be visiting.

Your daughters birthday celebrations will not be ruined because her grandparents aren’t there and if you’re going to see them at a later date in the year there is no issue.

The fact that you have floated the idea of two birthdays just solidifies the fact that you are spoiling your daughter and treating her in a way that will come back to bite you both in the bum in the future. You sound entitled and if you’re not careful your daughter will end up that way too.

My mum said that, not me, i’m not keen on it as I said on one of my posts

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 28/01/2025 11:25

Although as someone who absolutely despises the heat I can see where they’re coming from, and I’m not old.

I have family who live abroad that I just won’t see between June and September as heat makes me miserable

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:25

mihinobis · 28/01/2025 11:09

Where does your DSis live? Other people have asked and you haven't answered. If DSis doesn't live abroad then it's a completely different scenario.

I think you are being entitled. If you move abroad you can't expect people to come and visit you at specific times. They have obviously thought about it and find the heat too much, so why should they have to come over and suffer the heat when you chose to move there? They are offering to come at another time and that's a good compromise.

You can explain to your daughter that the grandparents suffer with the heat and find it difficult so they won't be able to come over on her birthday but that you can video call them on the day and that they will come over 2 months later to celebrate with her. Yes, she's disappointed but you need to reframe it positively but also explain that sometimes people find things difficult (eg. the heat) and that means we have to accept that they won't always be able to do what we want and we have to compromise.

Show quote history

Yes i’ve said exactly this to Dd

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 28/01/2025 11:25

Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 10:43

I’m looking at flights but tricky as expensive as have to pay for her party too and gifts etc

Show quote history

So you don't mind when it's them paying the money to travel but not when it's you?
You chose to move away, travel should be shared if you want to maintain a relationship.

AngelicasNice · 28/01/2025 11:26

How old are they?

There's a huge difference between being a grandparent at 50, and mid 70s.

I had my child at 35 and DD had her first at 35. So we can't be as hands on as we'd like especially as they live 2 hours away.

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:28

OMGitsnotgood · 28/01/2025 11:14

I think it's extremely sad that you don't seem to care about your parents not enjoying the heat, sounds like they have put up with the heat for 7 years, and now they are 7 years older enough is enough.

Protest as much as you like but you really are coming across as entitled. Yes of course it's disappointing, I would be disappointed too but I'd like to think I would be a bit more caring towards my parents.

You're running the risk of your DD growing up to expect the world to revolve around her. Acknowledge her disappointment, sadness even but tell her you'll have a soecial tea party when they come over and you'll be able to do more with them when it's not so hot.

They’ve not put up with coming over at that time before, we’ve hosted them for 2 weeks, staying at ours and they wanted to come in summer to go to the beach etc, they chose it, it was a holiday for them, never a hardship. They never visit in winter

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/01/2025 11:30

@Neverasecalone can your sis not come like she usually does with her kids??

AngelicasNice · 28/01/2025 11:30

I’m looking at flights but tricky as expensive as have to pay for her party too and gifts etc

Strange values.

The most important thing- which your post hinges on- is being together as a family.

Surely you could tone down the 'party' and the gifts to fund the flights?
Children need to learn hard truths about money.
Your daughter could be told that in order to see her grandparents, you'd be spending slightly less on gifts and the 'party'.

Why you put more importance on buying her gifts and paying for other kids to come to a party rather than see your parents on the day is weird.

It says a lot about what you value and the lesson you're passing onto your child.

Flick8 · 28/01/2025 11:31

Sorry OP but I think you're setting her up to be an entitled adult (eg the ones you hear of on here who expect others to go abroad for their hen party) if you were to go along with the upset. I think it's actually very generous of your parents to have done it all these years - fair enough the milestone first birthday party perhaps. She is getting older now and I'd be explaining to her that actually it's very reasonable of your parents and no need for the upset because she will still video call them and have a lovely day celebrating with you as a family and then her friends as you mentioned - that's a lot more than many kids do for their birthday.

OMGitsnotgood · 28/01/2025 11:31

I'm confused. I thought they had always come for your DD's birthday but didn't want to come this year because of the heat? Is it unusually hot this year?

TwentyTwentyFive · 28/01/2025 11:32

OMGitsnotgood · 28/01/2025 11:31

I'm confused. I thought they had always come for your DD's birthday but didn't want to come this year because of the heat? Is it unusually hot this year?

Me too? The story seems to be changing as in now they come for a holiday when it's summer but they also come for their granddaughters birthday which isn't when it's hot?

Both statements can't be true?

ApplesForMe · 28/01/2025 11:32

It’s fine your child is disappointed and you are sad. Life is full of minor and major ups and downs. I wouldn’t protect your child from the minor ones, they’ll be better able to weather the major ones. Also, as someone who can’t tolerate hot weather don’t underestimate the effects of the heat on your parents. They’ve come before because they love you and your family, but are realising they probably can’t deal with the weather anymore, not unusual for it to be exacerbated with age.

AngelicasNice · 28/01/2025 11:32

Why are you ignoring my question about their age?

Unless you're open and honest about this (and please don't just invent a number!) it's all meaningless.

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:33

phoenixmum · 28/01/2025 11:19

As they have obviously been dutiful grandparents until now , has it occurred to you that they are trying to soften the blow of not attending your DD’s birthday by claiming the heat is why they’re not coming? Could it be they are more ill than they have let on and maybe an operation is planned and they don’t want to worry you? My mum kept her cancer a secret til very near the end and we couldn’t get why she was not so keen to come round and be with her grandkids.

No I don’t think so as they’ve booked to come a few months before then and a few after
So sorry about your mum x

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 28/01/2025 11:33

You were the one that chose to move abroad, so you can’t complain you don’t see enough of your family.

AngelicasNice · 28/01/2025 11:33

TwentyTwentyFive · 28/01/2025 11:32

Me too? The story seems to be changing as in now they come for a holiday when it's summer but they also come for their granddaughters birthday which isn't when it's hot?

Both statements can't be true?

Show quote history

You're misreading.

It's hot every year.

But this year they are older and don't want to come then.

But OP won't say how old they are as it will blow her 'complaint' out of the water.

Tisthedamnseason · 28/01/2025 11:34

They spend every birthday with Dsis kids etc

Do they live nearer? You've ignored this question from multiple people so I'm assuming they do.

You say "we live abroad" rather than that your parents do so I'm assuming you moved abroad? If so, you can't move and then be upset that your children don't see as much of their grandparents as your sibling's children.

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:36

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/01/2025 11:30

@Neverasecalone can your sis not come like she usually does with her kids??

My sister doesn’t come for Dds birthday?

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 28/01/2025 11:37

Op
Surely you realise that as you live abroad you will miss out on aging family at lots of nice occasions . The reality is that as your parents get older they will probably travel abroad less and while I know that's disappointing for you it's probably one of the sad things about living away ( albeit in a much nicer climate)

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 28/01/2025 11:38

It sounds like it's time to start a new tradition. If having an actual birthday and an official birthday was good enough for the late Queen, perhaps DD could have a ceremonial trip out for cake with her grandparents when they come over? Another idea is a Facetime celebration with GP's presents sent over earlier opened 'live' on the actual day?

xRobin · 28/01/2025 11:38

I’ve got no idea why you’re getting such a hard time on this.
You said is it unreasonable to be SAD.
You didn’t say you were pissed off or were cancelling the party or would cut them out of your life, for the love of god 😂
Of course you’re going to be sad about it, it’s been a nice little 7 year tradition for you all.
They’re still coming a couple of months later which will be lovely.
DD will still love her birthday, maybe a phone call to her grandparents as well to tell them all about her presents etc.
It doesn’t need to be a “second birthday” but you could organise a little afternoon tea or picnic on a nice walk somewhere or something for when they arrive ☺️

Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 11:38

AngelicasNice · 28/01/2025 11:30

I’m looking at flights but tricky as expensive as have to pay for her party too and gifts etc

Strange values.

The most important thing- which your post hinges on- is being together as a family.

Surely you could tone down the 'party' and the gifts to fund the flights?
Children need to learn hard truths about money.
Your daughter could be told that in order to see her grandparents, you'd be spending slightly less on gifts and the 'party'.

Why you put more importance on buying her gifts and paying for other kids to come to a party rather than see your parents on the day is weird.

It says a lot about what you value and the lesson you're passing onto your child.

Edited

Oh ffs, I don’t spend loads on the gifts and party, but the party at the play place is booked and all in is expensive for us. We don’t place value on that, I thought they were coming over, I can’t afford flights and spending money too, if I could, i’d do that 100%

OP posts: