To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

[Neverasecalone]

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

It is entitled though because you're framing it as them being the ones letting your daughter down. Presumably you chose to move to another country and they've paid a not unsubstantial about of money every year to come and celebrate with her whilst also probably getting her a gift. The way you've portrayed them as the baddies in upsetting her is quite harsh.

Where do you live OP? Is your daughter's birthday at a particularly hot part of the year?

My mum put it as a second birthday. I think it’s different as we live away, it’s always just been a lovely thing and Dd looked forward to it. She’s been unwell and was excited
I’ve obviously made it into no big deal and played it down

Would you daughter rather cancel her party and fly to see her grandparents? I understand that it's expensive for flights -but that goes both ways. They do still make the effort twice a year to visit and would presumably like to come when it's pleasant for them. Not everyone can deal with hot weather well. I assume you are the one who moved away?

Even if they were in same country grandparents often wouldn’t come to an 8th birthday. Usually cake after school/work with mum and dad. Then party with friends from school or trip out at weekend.
Could they start a little tradition eg my grandma used to ring me and sing happy birthday.

YANBU to be sad not to see your parents, it's lovely you feel so close to them.

YABU to make a massive thing of a birthday, your DD is not missing out, sounds like you are doing plenty. Just plan something nice when you finally come to see them, if you are visiting or if they are coming.

Positive spin is dd gets something else to look forward to so birthday July, party with friends and then granny coming in September.

I can see why you feel sad.

But I also think that your daughter has a decision to make - you can all fly home to be with her grandparents on her birthday, or you can stay and she has a party with her friends, and it might be a bit strange her grandparents not being there from now on as they always have been, but it'll become the new normal.

I probably wouldn't do a celebration/cake a few months later, because it's not her birthday anymore, but she'll see them.

I do think it's fine for both you and her to feel sad about this, it is a change; but it's not reasonable to expect them to continue to come, or to put any pressure on them, and your comment about your sister is understandable but unless she also lives abroad, and her children's birthdays are in the same heat as your daughters, it's also unreasonable to think that plays any part. It it sadly part and parcel of moving away.

How soon is her birthday?

If it's in a fortnight and she's been actively looking forward to it, they've been a bit unreasonable in just telling you this now. If it's in July, she's got a bit ahead of herself already looking forward to that and she will get over it.

Maybe they find flight too expensive like you do going to them? Perhaps offer to pay their air fare or part of it?
i.e. you don't seem to have looked into why they are not coming?

I think you’re being really odd about it. Loads of kids don’t see grandparents on their birthday because it’s a school day or not a practical time for a visit or whatever. Just let your DD enjoy her party with her friends, no need to make a big deal about GPs not coming, for most families it wouldn’t even warrant a mention when you don’t live near each other. If your parents visit multiple times a year but they want to time visits to avoid extreme heat then that’s totally understandable. When we lived in the US my parents came once for DD’s (summer) birthday, my mum could not handle it, and future visits were timed differently. I wanted them to be comfortable visiting and enjoy their stay so would never expect mum to suffer being really uncomfortable because she struggles with the heat.

I’m not portraying them as baddies! Just saying I’m disappointed about it

They also have regular two week holiday stays at our house, they’ve loved having holidays

My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later

How hot is it? Not everyone likes the heat that some of Europe has experienced recently.

They spend every birthday with Dsis kids etc

Where do they live?

Your DD is getting to the age where friends are going to become more important to her than family, She will still enjoy seeing her GPs but having them around for events is going to have less and less impact - she won't be wanting cake at home, she'll be wanting theme park visits and cinema trips with all her mates. And your parents are getting older and travel gets harder (and they already don't like the heat). So I wouldn't worry. Just tell your DD how lovely it will be to see them when you do see them and make her birthday all about how she's growing up and what nice things she might want to do with her friends next year.

I think you're the one being sad about this not your DD. She will be too busy with those who are there, presents etc. So yes, I think you're a little bit precious tbh.

Is she a PFB?

They said its the heat

behave

for once a family who gets on well and are happy to see each other. It's hard to live in different countries, the OP is entitled to feel sad, it's not about PFB 🙄

We live in the same country and stopped going grand parents at birthdays around that age.
There's a lot of good in separate occasions. I wouldn't do another cake but maybe a special day trip and lunch.

Oh sod off

She’s an only born as I can’t have more.

She’s quite a sensitive soul and I saw she was disappointed and said ‘Not for my birthday?!’ It’s different when you live away. They’d come for the two weeks to stay, come for the friends party and then we’d do something as a family with them on the day. It’s the same with friend’s parents, they all come over

Being disappointed is part of life, it's how we handle it that's important, now is a good time to teach your daughter this.

Use it as an opportunity to start new traditions, a party with friends and then maybe grandma will take your DC out for lunch or shopping or whatever a few months later.
Pleas don’t pass on your disappointment on to your DD. My friend does this, she literally puts words and ideas in her head.

This is what happens when you move. It's not even like they're not coming at all.

I think it's probably a positive its stopped now. As DD gets older, she definitely won't want to give up her birthday plans to spend time with family, so this way they've made the call and she (or you) won't have to hurt their feelings further down the line when things inevitably change.

Just to add - its definitely OK to feel sad, but as they're (presumably) flying at their own expense, it's not OK to voice it to them other than "ah thats a shame she'll miss you on the day, but be lovely to see you later in the year"

This is odd. My parents have only been at our daughters' 1st birthdays, and the oldest is now 10. Our son is 2 and they will never see him on his birthday as it falls just after new year. 500 miles away (but both in UK). It depends what you place emphasis on. My kids have never questioned it.