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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

220 replies

Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 10:23

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 12:37

noworklifebalance · 28/01/2025 12:33

Sorry you are having a massive pile on, OP.

You asked if YABU to feel sad your parents are not coming over for DD’s birthday?
Of course you are not - I think it would’ve been strange if you had not felt sad and it’s lovely that your daughter is disappointed, it shows how much she loves them and values them being there. I appreciate it feels like the end of a tradition of a precious family time on a special occasion. And birthdays are special occasions, you only have to read the multiple threads of partners and family members missing or forgetting birthdays to realise this.

I don’t think you are being entitled - if you were, you would be expressing your annoyance to your parents and perhaps even insisting they compensate somehow.

Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday!

So appreciate an understanding post, thank you 🙏 ❤️

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 28/01/2025 12:38

If you want family you have to compromise location and live near family.

If you want a far flung location, you have to compromise family.

You can be sad, but this isn't on the grandparents, this is you and you DH.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 28/01/2025 12:38

noworklifebalance · 28/01/2025 12:33

Sorry you are having a massive pile on, OP.

You asked if YABU to feel sad your parents are not coming over for DD’s birthday?
Of course you are not - I think it would’ve been strange if you had not felt sad and it’s lovely that your daughter is disappointed, it shows how much she loves them and values them being there. I appreciate it feels like the end of a tradition of a precious family time on a special occasion. And birthdays are special occasions, you only have to read the multiple threads of partners and family members missing or forgetting birthdays to realise this.

I don’t think you are being entitled - if you were, you would be expressing your annoyance to your parents and perhaps even insisting they compensate somehow.

Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday!

I agree with this.

Try and ignore the dickheads on the thread.

JoyousGreyOrca · 28/01/2025 12:39

You moved but you seem to expect your family to act as if you just live round the corner.

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 12:40

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time, OP.

It’s lovely of you to have your parents stay several times a year. Presumably they get free accommodation and meals. I don’t know why people think that makes you a CF.

Are you finding that your parents are using your house as a holiday home and are less bothered about spending time with you and dd?

Dishwashersaurous · 28/01/2025 12:40

One of the major problems with living far away from your parents, whether in the same country or overseas, is the long distance to travel.

If you live a long way away. And they don't want to travel to the heat. Then you will need to travel to them.

If you want your parents to celebrate child birthday on the day, then you will need to fly to them. Maybe fly there rather than have a party and a big present

Londonrach1 · 28/01/2025 12:41

Yabu. You live in another country. I'm surprised how many birthdays your parents have attended tbh.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/01/2025 12:42

I also wonder whether this is leading to.a bit of soul searching about whether living overseas is worth it, given the distance from family.

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 12:43

Dishwashersaurous · 28/01/2025 12:40

One of the major problems with living far away from your parents, whether in the same country or overseas, is the long distance to travel.

If you live a long way away. And they don't want to travel to the heat. Then you will need to travel to them.

If you want your parents to celebrate child birthday on the day, then you will need to fly to them. Maybe fly there rather than have a party and a big present

It’s understandable if her parents are finding the heat hard and no longer want to visit at certain times. Things change, people get older.

Equally it may not suit OP to have to host and cook for 2 weeks for her parents several times a year.

EntropyCentral · 28/01/2025 12:43

They spend every birthday with Dsis kids etc

Does your sister live in a milder climate? I personally can't tolerate too hot weather and it's got worse as I get older.

Buttonless · 28/01/2025 12:43

yabu. I would never expect grandparents at a grandchild’s birthday. That alone is odd to me. They have every right to try and avoid the heat. You sound selfish to me, prioritising your minor woes over their discomfort and health.

ManchesterLu · 28/01/2025 12:44

Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 10:27

I just think it’s sad as Dd really enjoys them being here and all of us together. They spend every birthday with Dsis kids etc

Show quote history

But YOU moved abroad. If you think it's that important for your daughter to be with your parents on her birthday, YOU go to THEIR country, which is where you came from.

YABU moving abroad and then expecting everyone else to do all the running.

Extreme heat isn't for everyone. If I go anywhere with extreme heat I get migraines which make me feel utterly miserable. No way would I do that if there was an alternative.

SandlersToe · 28/01/2025 12:45

They've only postponed their trip for a couple of months it's hardly the end of the world.

Suisse · 28/01/2025 12:51

I think you’re getting a hard time here.

Ultimately it’s a shame your parents are breaking the routine but it’s their choice. You’re allowed to be disappointed though. They also have to accept that the moment will have totally passed for the birthday.

I don’t think a 2nd birthday is the right way to position their visit. And I can see how this would be irritating if they are set on positioning it that way (notice I said “if”). Having to accommodate their preference for a later visit by re-doing dd’s birthday is annoying/odd.

It’s just a visit. Presents should on your dd’s actual birthday if they want to make it about her. If they want to make it about them then I guess they’ll insist on birthday #2.

Turnups · 28/01/2025 12:52

Neverasecalone · 28/01/2025 10:33

I have softened the blow, told her lightly about it and enthused about how exciting it will be to have two birthdays. I could see her disappointment though.

Show quote history

Children get disappointed about lots of things. If they have working parents they are often disappointed if parents can’t come to class assemblies, sports day etc. They learn to cope. She’ll get over it.
Children often don’t like change or understand the reasons why it might sometimes be necessary. Older people are more affected by heat and to me it’s perfectly understandable if your parents want to visit at a cooler time of year. Depending on where you are, it could be that you’re lucky they visit at all rather than expecting you to go to them.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 28/01/2025 12:54

She’ll be disappointed for five minutes I expect. Children 7+ are more interested in their friends than grandparents.
None of my dgc have ever expected me to rock up on their birthday and I certainly couldn’t have flown several times a year when DH and I lived overseas.

snowflakelake · 28/01/2025 12:55

Reading through as someone who lives overseas with their family and has in a couple of countries over the years I don't think this is really about the birthday as a standalone issue.
I'm sure you understand that you just don't get to spend as much time with family when you live away from them.
It sounds like you actually don't want to be that far away and you want to be raising your family much closer to your parents.
Not doing this is making you feel sad when you reflect. The issue isn't your parents being unable to travel this year but your DH being unwilling to move home.

MzHz · 28/01/2025 12:55

My OH is now mid 60s, totally different to how he was even 5 years ago. I'm 6 years younger, super fit and even i am beginning to feel a bit more achey etc. As much as you will hate to see this, your parents are not as young as they were.

Your DD will take her cues from you, be enthusiastic about the new plans

iffffonly · 28/01/2025 12:55

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/01/2025 12:09

I think you’re massively Unreasonable. You choose to live in a diff country and then have issue that everyone can attend everything- this is a consequence of living away from family.

This👆

peachgreen · 28/01/2025 12:57

Who moved? That makes a difference, imo. I moved to a different country from my parents' so I consider it my responsibility to do the travelling.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 28/01/2025 12:59

You are entitled to feel your feelings and of course it’s disappointing since you have enjoyed their visits at previous birthdays, but you can’t expect it. We have grandparents abroad and they alternate years to visit for our DS birthday.

crumblingschools · 28/01/2025 12:59

Is the disappointment that they can't come for DD's birthday wrapped up in your desire to move back home?

My MIL used to visit friends who had moved to Spain, she always went in the summer months. For a number of reasons including COVID she hasn't been for a number of years. Her friends now tell her that the summer temperature where they live has increased noticeably in the last few years, and MIL has said if she manages to go out to see them again she wouldn't be going in the summer months.

Does your DH come from the country you live in @Neverasecalone

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 28/01/2025 13:00

Buttonless · 28/01/2025 12:43

yabu. I would never expect grandparents at a grandchild’s birthday. That alone is odd to me. They have every right to try and avoid the heat. You sound selfish to me, prioritising your minor woes over their discomfort and health.

Edited

Really? Gosh I can’t imagine excluding my children’s grandparents from their birthday! I wouldn’t even entertain the thought.

Londonnight · 28/01/2025 13:01

It's hard when you have family living abroad. Mine live in Canada. I have made it to some birthday's, more my grand daughter as she has a birthday in the summer.
My grandson's birthday is winter. I have been once for his birthday and it was bitterly cold. Minus 30 c and below. As much as I would like to be there again for his birthday, I just can't stand it as cold as that. My family are fine with it and understand the reasons.
Your parents have told you why, and will come at other times, so you need to accept that. If you want to share your daughters birthday with them why don't you fly to the UK so they can do that?

Hwi · 28/01/2025 13:01

Not a good idea to teach one's children that the world revolves around them to the extent of international travel arrangements. How odd.