To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

[Neverasecalone]

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

We’ve always done it on different days anyway

Where's my violin 🙄

oh so she's not actaually missing out on seeing them on her birthday anyway! Perfect, so should all be ok then

I think you are being unreasonable and I think your DD is probably mirroring your own disappointment. Your parents have done a lot to attend every birthday up until now, perhaps you could take the burden off them and visit them instead this year.

You can feel sad about it, sure. However it’s deeply unreasonable to suggest it’s somehow your parents’ fault, having travelled for her birthday for her entire life, not to want to continue to visit at a time when the heat makes it unpleasant, or that they see other grandchildren who live in the same country as them on their birthdays. Travel to see your parents on your DD’s birthday if it’s overwhelmingly important to her, and suggests she postpones or brings forward her party to facilitate that?

Kindly, the world doesn’t revolve around your daughter and the day she happened to be born.

If your parents are uncomfortable coming that time of year due to the heat that is absolutely fair enough. You’re acting as if they’ve told you they don’t like your daughter and will no longer be visiting.

Your daughters birthday celebrations will not be ruined because her grandparents aren’t there and if you’re going to see them at a later date in the year there is no issue.

The fact that you have floated the idea of two birthdays just solidifies the fact that you are spoiling your daughter and treating her in a way that will come back to bite you both in the bum in the future. You sound entitled and if you’re not careful your daughter will end up that way too.

Where does your DSis live? Other people have asked and you haven't answered. If DSis doesn't live abroad then it's a completely different scenario.

I think you are being entitled. If you move abroad you can't expect people to come and visit you at specific times. They have obviously thought about it and find the heat too much, so why should they have to come over and suffer the heat when you chose to move there? They are offering to come at another time and that's a good compromise.

You can explain to your daughter that the grandparents suffer with the heat and find it difficult so they won't be able to come over on her birthday but that you can video call them on the day and that they will come over 2 months later to celebrate with her. Yes, she's disappointed but you need to reframe it positively but also explain that sometimes people find things difficult (eg. the heat) and that means we have to accept that they won't always be able to do what we want and we have to compromise.

If it’s expensive for you then surely it’s expensive for them too? Couple that with the heat I can’t say I blame them. Plenty of other opportunities to spend time all together without the craziness of birthdays added into the mix too.
You sound jealous of your sister, where does she live in relation to your parents?

I think it's extremely sad that you don't seem to care about your parents not enjoying the heat, sounds like they have put up with the heat for 7 years, and now they are 7 years older enough is enough.

Protest as much as you like but you really are coming across as entitled. Yes of course it's disappointing, I would be disappointed too but I'd like to think I would be a bit more caring towards my parents.

You're running the risk of your DD growing up to expect the world to revolve around her. Acknowledge her disappointment, sadness even but tell her you'll have a soecial tea party when they come over and you'll be able to do more with them when it's not so hot.

Seven is a good age to figure out that you are not the centre of the universe. She will be fine.

Life is disappointing, this is part of character building . Sure you can miss them on the day but what outcome do you want here? Validation? There are people with real problems in the world.

I really don't see the issue at all. I wouldn't have really even discussed it much with DD apart from to say that Grandma and Grandad would be coming over in October instead of August (or whichever months you mean) because the temperatures would be much more comfortable for them. I wouldn't have even mentioned birthdays and wouldn't have made a big deal out of it.

Being "so sad" about it is rather over the top. They haven't said that they aren't coming to see you, they are. It's just going to be a few weeks later. Can you and DD not go and visit them instead? What's to stop that?

My children almost never had any of the grandparents with them on their birthdays and we all live in the same country, just not particularly nearby. They did birthday cards and phone calls. No issues.

I think it's part of the natural progression of life. Your parents were happy to come for several years when your DD was young but they're older now, and finding it a bit much, especially as it's apparently also hot when they visit. Your DD is getting older and will probably want to start spending her birthday with friends soon anyway.

Don't link their next visit to her birthday if it is quite a while after. Just enjoy them making the effort to come and see you.

I think you're going to have to get better at guiding your child through life's disappointments.
Her life is going to be full of disappointing times.

Teach her how to deal with this type of thing and before you know it, she'll be able to deal with not being able to sit at the window seat of an airplane if you forget to book it for her and the person who does book it won't get up and let her sit there instead.

If you move abroad you have to accept that visits will be limited.

Your DD will be fine. Stop projecting.

I mean OP it was your choice to move away to a different country, this will have an impact on how and when your parents see you and your kids. It is what it is 🤷‍♀️ you and your daughter will get over it and have a lovely time later in the year with them when they come over

But you sound as if you’re the only person who’s ever raised children in a different country to their parents — there are an awful lot of us, and I would say grandparents travelling for a young child’s birthday was the exception rather than the rule, in my experience. In your shoes, I’d be glad they were able to do it for so long, rather than mourning it’s no longer happening.

You might find you have a nicer time when they visit without the birthday being the focus. In any case you probably only have another 5 years or so before your daughter wants to spend her time more with friends anyway especially on her birthday so you can start new traditions now.

Why not suggest to your daughter she can either have her party or she can travel to see grandparents for her birthday.

As they have obviously been dutiful grandparents until now , has it occurred to you that they are trying to soften the blow of not attending your DD’s birthday by claiming the heat is why they’re not coming? Could it be they are more ill than they have let on and maybe an operation is planned and they don’t want to worry you? My mum kept her cancer a secret til very near the end and we couldn’t get why she was not so keen to come round and be with her grandkids.

It was your choice to move your DD away to another country.

You have been lucky your parents have done the last 7 years.... Why don't you fly to them for the next 7 years if it means so much?

There must be some context to this @Neverasecalone ?

How old are your parents and how far away are they?

(Do you ever reciprocate by flying to see them?)

We were first time grandparents at almost 70. So we'll be 77 by the time our granddaughter is 7.

Maybe your parents are just getting older and can't stand the heat- as they have explained.

As a side, I grew up an 18 hour+ flight from my grandparents (who I was very close to - they came to visit once or twice a year). I’m nearly 40 now and can’t recall whether or not they attended any of my birthdays (which would have been in the height of summer)! They might have but I’m sure I was too busy having fun to notice, or remember all these years later.