To feel gutted parents won’t come for Dds birthdays anymore

[Neverasecalone]

We live abroad (short flight) parents come over to stay a few times a year. They’ve come every year for 7 years over her birthday to celebrate
My mum messaged to say this year they wouldn’t come for her birthday because of the heat but would book for a couple of months later and she can have two birthdays
Aibu to feel sad about it? Had to tell Dd and she was upset about it

I pressed the wrong button and put YANBU when I’m sorry but I think you are! You moved. If them being there for birthdays is important you kinda should thought about that before you moved. Why not go over to see them for the birthday and then your parents can visit when it’s cooler and you all get more time together?

I don't think it is unreasonable to be upset about it but I think you need to understand as our parents get older what they can cope with changes.

My in laws have never spent a birthday with my DD or DS (they live the other side of the world). As long as your parents are still visiting a few times or even once a year at a heat they can handle then I would just focus on that.

You have come on AIBU to ask whether you are being unreasonable or not, and when posters have politely disagreed with you, you have sworn at them repeatedly.

Not a good look OP, but one that only adds to the impression of your general attitude.

I expect you'll swear at me now. I don't care.

I think you’re massively Unreasonable. You choose to live in a diff country and then have issue that everyone can attend everything- this is a consequence of living away from family.

What an utter none-issue OP. If your parents not being there for a 7 year old's birthday is causing you this much anguish then I dread to think how you're going to cope when your parents become older and eventually aren't fit enough to travel abroad at all. I don't know how you'll cope either if their care needs increase and you're having to manage this from abroad, and when the inevitable happens and they reach the end of their life and die..... As far as I can tell you made the choice to move abroad therefore you either need to accept the consequences of this with grace or move back. It's really not up to your aging parents to make themselves uncomfortable so that you can literally have the best of both worlds.

I haven’t sworn at anyone and definitely not repeatedly 🤷🏻‍♀️ that is one person being unnecessarily aggressive with me whilst I’m trying to read through the thread and reply.
Everyone else has put varied points across in a normal way and I appreciate the feedback

My children’s grandparents live over the road and have seen one child on their birthday once (now a teen). They previously saw the children a max of 3 times per year no matter how much we encouraged their involvement. They haven’t seen one child in two years and another only 3 times since birth. I will never understand it.

Honestly op, your parents sound wonderful, to make a flight to celebrate with your child is so lovely. And they’re not saying no visit at all just moving it to a time that’s more comfortable temperature wise.

Then surely if you want them to participate in her birthday you travel to them instead.

It sounds very much to me as though you are the one with the issue (eg. mentioning Dsis kids which is daft if they live in the same cou try) and that you have projected this on to your child. Why did your child NEED tk be told right now? Why didn't you present it as how exciting that she will now have 2 birthdays?

YABU. She's old enough to realise the world doesn't revolve around her and why should your parents spend good money where they will be uncomfortable in the heat. At least let them enjoy themselves. We live in a different country to the GP's and when they make it over we have a big cake and decorations to celebrate everyone's birthdays that we couldn't celebrate together (we also do a Christmas day redo on another day).

OP do you plan to do as much caring for parents as that get older or will that fall to your sister who lives closer to them than you do?

@Neverasecalone

could you move back to the UK to be closer to your parents Op so that they can attend things like your daughters birthday party?

I didn’t mean just drop it on her on the day. I meant I wouldn’t have made a big deal of it months in advance. Op is obviously sad about it and dc picked up on it.
Why tell a 6 or 7 yr old now. It sounds like granny’s told op and she’s immediately told dc.

I used to visit my parents for two weeks every summer because that was the only time we saw them other than Christmas when they came to us. I would much rather have had my holiday somewhere of my choosing and no doubt they would rather not have been there in the hot months but it was a compromise we both made to spend time together.

Be grateful they make the effort to be with you and aren’t off on a cruise somewhere instead.

Why not give your daughter the choice - party at home or visit and small family party at grandparents ( if your parents are happy for that ) . I can’t see any problem with that . I can totally see where your parents are coming from as I’m late 50s with a variety of ailments and if I can avoid hot places I do and I’m definitely getting worse as I get older

YABU, some people cannot take the heat and presumably your parents are getting older and less physically able to cope with things they took in their stride before (added to places being hotter than they ever have been at certain times of the year - for example my in-laws home country is now regularly averaging temps of 42-3 degrees in July/August when it used to be around 32-33 - we can't cope in the elevated temps and so don't go that time of year anymore, though we used to spend entire summers there). It's ok to be sad, but as people age they can't always do what they have previously done and you need to understand that as parents age we have to expect less of them in some areas. Unfortunately if you decide to emigrate one of the downsides is that you are far/further away from family and that brings inevitable challenges to how close you can be and how often you can see them. You are lucky that parents have so far worked to limit the consequences of your move in this department - but they can't be expected to do so forever.

Op I’ve not searched your name but I did wonder if you are poster with a DD in Portugal who had health issues and was struggling at school in a foreign language.
If life is tricky anyway I can understand why a birthday and parents not wanting to come this year is a much bigger deal than on face of it. Some things are final straw.
Is moving back to uk an option? Wishing you well.

I don't think you've said where you live, OP, or when the birthday is. By late sixties they could well be affected badly by the heat, even if they've tolerated it up till now, if it's summer in Greece for example.

If they've booked to come a few months before and a few months after, that's presumably in spring and autumn when the temperatures are more pleasant.

It's fair enough to be disappointed but gutted seems disproportionate, considering they are still coming.

I told her now as they told me a few days ago and Dd always asking have they booked to come yet, so I told her the months they were coming and casually said so instead of summer when its getting a bit too hot for them and we cant go out and do as many fun things due to the heat, that Grandma says she can have two birthdays when they come a bit after

This is the plan, have to work on Dh as he doesn’t want to, I would prefer to though

Not very nice

This is what happens when you move away. It’s sad but it’s not for other people to keep travelling when you’ve moved away.

I am in the same boat as you.

Well then you should be teaching her that it’s not possible for everyone to just jump on a flight for her birthday!

Sorry you are having a massive pile on, OP.

You asked if YABU to feel sad your parents are not coming over for DD’s birthday?
Of course you are not - I think it would’ve been strange if you had not felt sad and it’s lovely that your daughter is disappointed, it shows how much she loves them and values them being there. I appreciate it feels like the end of a tradition of a precious family time on a special occasion. And birthdays are special occasions, you only have to read the multiple threads of partners and family members missing or forgetting birthdays to realise this.

I don’t think you are being entitled - if you were, you would be expressing your annoyance to your parents and perhaps even insisting they compensate somehow.

Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday!

To be fair, I'm not sure this is one of the big things to take into consideration for that decision?

From what you've said, DD is well-settled with lots of friends around her... Would she really prefer to leave that to see her grandparents more, especially at 7, when she's fast approaching the age that won't really care about extended family for a while?

I suspect your DD doesn't even remember her GP's being there for the first 3/4 years worth of birthdays anyway. Its a tradition that she wont remember when she is older, unless you keep mentioning it!