Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

249 replies

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:05

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

OP posts:
WellsAndThistles · 27/01/2025 01:09

If it was me and I was still on maternity leave, I would prefer my DH got a decent night's sleep so he was rested enough to head off to work the next day and I wouldn't worry about him falling asleep at the wheel.

I would expect more support on Friday/Saturday night though on his weekends off.

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:10

Sorry if I misunderstood but I don’t understand why you are both awake with the baby? Can one of you not go back to sleep while the other feeds?

alternatively could you maybe do nights in the week and him at weekend presuming he is off at weekends. Or some kind of rota system. You both definitely need to try have some quality sleep x

Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:10

just to add - we are both awake with the baby during night feeds. I change his nappy while husband feeds him and then one of us goes back to sleep. It’s what has always worked for us.

OP posts:
AkashaPlease · 27/01/2025 01:12

If he's not happy about being up for that feed with you then he should go and sleep. Why would both of you need to be up for that feed? He's going to get a shock when baby number two comes. He's going to have to shut up or put up. Don’t put up with any bullshit, things are going to get much more complicated pretty quickly!

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:16

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:10

just to add - we are both awake with the baby during night feeds. I change his nappy while husband feeds him and then one of us goes back to sleep. It’s what has always worked for us.

Edited

But it appears to no longer be working. When you have baby number 2 will this be the same system? Bet you’re both exhausted. Having new babies is hard enough and you need to both take it in turns to grab sleep where you can.

Meadowfinch · 27/01/2025 01:18

Why do both of you have to be awake? That's daft.

You'll cope much better, and argue less if you work as a team and do different shifts. You do weekday nights while he sleeps & then gets up at 6.30 for work. He does weekends when you get to catch up on your sleep.

I breastfed, so did it all but got to the point I could feed DS without actually opening my eyes or turning on a light. I don't think my ex ever got up in the night - part of why he's an ex.

Goodweekincoming · 27/01/2025 01:18

Absolutely ridiculous both of you up to feed a baby. Take turns.

Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:21

He’s never complained about it until now. He’s always offered to help. Our baby screams and cries while he’s waiting for his bottle to cool down so my husband has looked after and comforted him while I’ve been making it and waiting for it to cool.

I’ve looked at the votes and it’s obviously me that’s the problem and being unfair so my husband will sleep downstairs for the foreseeable and I’ll do nights by myself.

OP posts:
ArmyBarbie · 27/01/2025 01:21

Does he still need his nappy changed in the night? My 2 rarely did, after about 2 months old. I think you're making s bit of a meal of it, there's absolutely no need for you both to be up.

Teenagerantruns · 27/01/2025 01:21

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:10

just to add - we are both awake with the baby during night feeds. I change his nappy while husband feeds him and then one of us goes back to sleep. It’s what has always worked for us.

Edited

I think you should change this, it will be much better if you do the midnight wake, change and feed, then your husband does the early morning one, l mean he's nearly getting up then anyway, there's no reason for 2 adults to get up for one baby..or swap them whatever makes it easier

Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:22

ArmyBarbie · 27/01/2025 01:21

Does he still need his nappy changed in the night? My 2 rarely did, after about 2 months old. I think you're making s bit of a meal of it, there's absolutely no need for you both to be up.

Yeah his nappy is weirdly so full at both times he wakes up to feed. One odd night last week he either skipped a feed or had a longer gap, I can’t remember, but anyway he’d leaked through his nappy, clothes, sleep bag, everything

OP posts:
ArmyBarbie · 27/01/2025 01:23

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:21

He’s never complained about it until now. He’s always offered to help. Our baby screams and cries while he’s waiting for his bottle to cool down so my husband has looked after and comforted him while I’ve been making it and waiting for it to cool.

I’ve looked at the votes and it’s obviously me that’s the problem and being unfair so my husband will sleep downstairs for the foreseeable and I’ll do nights by myself.

Hardly anyone has said that. The majority are suggesting to take turns.

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:23

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:21

He’s never complained about it until now. He’s always offered to help. Our baby screams and cries while he’s waiting for his bottle to cool down so my husband has looked after and comforted him while I’ve been making it and waiting for it to cool.

I’ve looked at the votes and it’s obviously me that’s the problem and being unfair so my husband will sleep downstairs for the foreseeable and I’ll do nights by myself.

Are you making all bottles from scratch every time? It’s been a little while since mine were babies, and I imagine the advice has changed so I won’t suggest anything. But maybe have A google about pre preparing bottles and warming them up. This may be more efficient for you.
the prep machines a few of my friends swear by too

Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:24

ArmyBarbie · 27/01/2025 01:23

Hardly anyone has said that. The majority are suggesting to take turns.

Show quote history

I know, sorry I should have said, I’m going by the poll votes

OP posts:
Floranan · 27/01/2025 01:25

I will probably be shot down for this but here goes.

  1. It doesn’t need both of you to be up with baby for feeds
  2. at 7 months and especially with another on the way you need to get baby sleeping through
  3. if you’re at home with baby and he works , he shouldn’t be doing night feeds when working the next day. You have the opportunity to catch up on sleep, he has work
  4. he’s probably having visions of another year or more of never sleeping through the night and trying to get up and do a days work and having a quiet panic about it.
Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:26

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:23

Are you making all bottles from scratch every time? It’s been a little while since mine were babies, and I imagine the advice has changed so I won’t suggest anything. But maybe have A google about pre preparing bottles and warming them up. This may be more efficient for you.
the prep machines a few of my friends swear by too

Show quote history

We have to use powder formula as baby has CMPA and have been told by HV that we need to make the bottles from scratch each time. Apparently you can’t make them up in advance any more which is frustrating. I have an older son and I used to do that with his bottles. As you say I think the advice has probably changed.

OP posts:
Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:28

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:26

We have to use powder formula as baby has CMPA and have been told by HV that we need to make the bottles from scratch each time. Apparently you can’t make them up in advance any more which is frustrating. I have an older son and I used to do that with his bottles. As you say I think the advice has probably changed.

Show quote history

Ahhh okay hopefully someone may come along with some experience of cmpa and be able to help you.
the baby nights are so tough, you have my sympathy!

CrunchySnow · 27/01/2025 01:29

I don't necessarily think you ABU given you have epilepsy. You need your sleep to prevent seizures. However, the way you are doing it is bonkers. One of you does one whole feed whilst the other sleeps, then you are both only up once per night. Unless he has done a poo, I wouldn't be changing in the night. I'd also look at a way of cooling your bottles quicker or using ready made formula overnight.

Original poster
DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:30

Floranan · 27/01/2025 01:25

I will probably be shot down for this but here goes.

  1. It doesn’t need both of you to be up with baby for feeds
  2. at 7 months and especially with another on the way you need to get baby sleeping through
  3. if you’re at home with baby and he works , he shouldn’t be doing night feeds when working the next day. You have the opportunity to catch up on sleep, he has work
  4. he’s probably having visions of another year or more of never sleeping through the night and trying to get up and do a days work and having a quiet panic about it.

No I completely see where you’re coming from. I just don’t know how to get baby to sleep through. He eats a lot of food and has bottles during the day and hasn’t even dropped a feed despite the amount of food he eats. He’s just a hungry boy I guess. I think the reason DH has always helped is because he’s wanted to. Rather than being made to. I think I need to have a proper conversation with him to show that I don’t expect him to help at night.

not sure how I’m going to function being as tired as I am already from this new pregnancy though 😣

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2025 01:32

Why are the majority of pp's ignoring the fact that OP has epilepsy and is medically required to get a decent amount of sleep?

You can still make bottles up in advance, you can also use a perfect prep machine.

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2025 01:32

Why are the majority of pp's ignoring the fact that OP has epilepsy and is medically required to get a decent amount of sleep?

You can still make bottles up in advance, you can also use a perfect prep machine.

Because when op originally posted she didn’t mention that. I’ve just scrolled up now and seen she has added it. Quite a significant detail to not include

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2025 01:37

The reason that it is recommended that you make formula (CMPA or not) up on demand is because formula isnt sterile and some people think it should be for babies. But, that doesnt mean that all the water needs to be freshly boiled. Add a third of the water, add all of the powder so it gets scorched and so is sterile, then add the other two thirds of water from a cold bottle of preboiled and cooled water that you have stored in a sterile bottle. The feed is then at feedable temperature straiight away rather than running it under a tap, desperately trying to cool it in the middle of the night.

BySunnyAquaPanda · 27/01/2025 01:39

DefyingGravity012 · 27/01/2025 01:21

He’s never complained about it until now. He’s always offered to help. Our baby screams and cries while he’s waiting for his bottle to cool down so my husband has looked after and comforted him while I’ve been making it and waiting for it to cool.

I’ve looked at the votes and it’s obviously me that’s the problem and being unfair so my husband will sleep downstairs for the foreseeable and I’ll do nights by myself.

He can help on weekends maybe

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2025 01:40

Oh and as the mother of 6 who were born from 1990 to 2011, and all had their bottles premade and stored in the fridge....they were all fine and better for having mother who slept well.

The evidence that babies need everything sterilised is not scientifically proven.

BySunnyAquaPanda · 27/01/2025 01:40

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/01/2025 01:32

Why are the majority of pp's ignoring the fact that OP has epilepsy and is medically required to get a decent amount of sleep?

You can still make bottles up in advance, you can also use a perfect prep machine.

She is better sleeping when hubby is home from work. They are both up. It doesn't make sense. Nap when hubby comes home from work, night feeds. Nap during the day. Hubby does more housework