Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

It sounds like you need to work out a system where you both get a decent amount of sleep each week - perhaps you could go to bed earlier and your dh do the first night feed, giving you a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, then you do any subsequent feeds. Or you do all the feeds on nights where he has to get up for work, and he does all the feeds on nights where he can sleep in in the morning?

Mother of 4 here. I religiously sterilised everything for my PFB, lapsed a bit with my second, realised he was fine, did some research (Germany and other countries don't demand bottles be sterilised - it was from a time when teats were made of more porous rubber rather than silicone) and didn't sterilise anything for 3 and 4. All healthy children.

I also read an opinion that the NHS recommends sterilising because the faff can be enough to encourage some women to breastfeed when they wouldn't have otherwise 🤷‍♂️

Hot, soapy water and air drying is fine if your baby isn't premature or immuno-compromised.

Something isn't working, but doesn't have to be you doing all of the night feeds, there are other options!

Personally I'd make the bottles up before bed and use those in the night, just having one of you up. Rather than being both awake for each, pick one of the wake ups each- if he goes to bed early typically then perhaps the 5am one would be better so he's had a good chunk of sleep, or maybe the midnight one if that works. Also if it works for you, but as you're up for both anyway sleeping through one would hopefully be better than now anyway!

I'd chat about it, you both need sleep and baby needs feeding.

Our youngest was a dreadful sleeper. We tag teamed, I would go to bed early like 8ish and dh would see to baby then about midnight he would come to bed and I would get up if (when) baby woke on the night.

It's silly you both getting up and being tired, I'd suggest you do in the week and you take in turns at weekend .
Or he does up to a certain point (like 11pm ) but you do early hours.

I’m just amazed you both had the time / energy to get pregnant again so soon, but congratulations!

Alot of people will be giving advice without knowing about the epilepsy. You have a medical condition that means for your safety, and the safety of your children, you need sleep. Also you have another child aswell as baby? So you're not able to catch up on sleep during the day.

DP helps with night feeds then gets up at 6 for work. He actually gets more "break" time during his working day than I do while looking after a toddler and a baby.

And you're pregnant too.

You cannot do the nights by yourself. Not even monday-friday.

Try having a split shift, one of you on duty till 2am, one from 2am, it only works if your babys night is spread evenly. DS used to sleep till 2/3am then wake every hour, ex would say hed help and do the night then he'd hand over to me for the actual hard bit which woke DS fully and gave me a much worse night than if id just done it all by myself (his help often made things more difficult than if id just done it myself though). Or one does the first wake, one does the second.

1. at 7 months and especially with another on the way you need to get baby sleeping through
2. if you’re at home with baby and he works , he shouldn’t be doing night feeds when working the next day. You have the opportunity to catch up on sleep, he has work

Of course. Getting baby to sleep through. Crazy OP didn’t that of that one.

I forgot that taking taking care of baby all day and being up twice a night isn’t ‘work’. It’s like a holiday really, right?

Just as well it doesn’t happen then. Babies aren’t capable of working out that it’s
pointless crying because nobody’s coming. It’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on MN and it’s a high bar.

I just wanted to say, I had a ds too whose nappy would soak through during the night. My older 2 would be fine, but he was a LARGE baby and drank MASSIVE bottles, the amount of wee he made overnight was insane! Tried everything, larger nappies, 2 nappies, a reusable nappy and a pampers nappy etc etc. Nothing worked, it always leaked.

He also was hungry during the night until about 13 months, whereas my older 2 dropped their night feeds earlier on.

So until you've had a baby like that, you don't realise you can't sleep train every baby by an arbitrary age. I say that as someone who has done gentle controlled crying on 2 of my children. The first was a unicorn baby and slept through from 12 weeks!!

My first 2 was when you were told to premake bottles and store at back of fridge. They stopped that advice when 3rd came along as HV said people were storing them incorrectly and so they had to change advice to make bottles fresh. I used a prep machine for my 3rd, kept prep machine in the bedroom during the night, so I didn't have to traipse downstairs. Was a life saver.

get a nuby rapid cool, will save your life, cooled enough in a minute 😊 honestly amazing!

I remember that running under the tap in the middle of the night praying it would cool!

I’m a dad, I did most of the night feeds while working full time, while she was a SAHM. It was because I am a lighter sleeper so the crying woke me up first. It is what it is.

That's the problem. Absolutely no need for both of you.

I used to prepare bottles of boiled water in advance and put those in the fridge, then when baby needed feeding I'd put some freshly boiled water and milk powder into the half filled chilled bottles to make it so much quicker. No waiting for anything to cool down.

I agree with no.1 not sure on the rest. 7m is very early to expect a baby (even non breastfed) to sleep through. To "get" them to do this, you often need to sleep train and some people are not comfortable doing so. So she doesn't "need" to do anything about that unless both of them are finding the wakes unsustainable and are prepared to night wean. I also disagree that working the next day automatically negates the need for contributing to night feeds. My husband worked from home and split the wakes with me from 6m (after I'd done them all prior due to BF). I could not catch up on sleep at all in the day as baby napped 30mins at a time, on me or in motion, until around 8m. I was also driving to playdates, baby classes etc. Dealing with baby 6.30-5 then all overnight on your own is a lot. Appreciate other jobs may make that harder.

I'd absolutely suggest to split the wakes, it makes no sense for you both to be up. Or agree that you do them all but he does them all at weekend. The only time both of us got up was the first 6 weeks post c section for me and short periods where he took ages to settle at around 5m.

Buy a Nuby rapid cool, the bottle will be cool by the time you've changed his nappy. That way only one of you have to get up at a time

you are insane to both be awake with a baby AND for him to be working!!!
It’s not working for you at all. Let him sleep if he is working. You need to do the nights alone when he has work the following day. Weekends you could share but you are mad to think he should be also doing them and working… if this was other way round people would be shouting abuse on this thread to be honest. I think you will struggle with two children and TWO tired parents. Stop doing it together and one of you get some sleep.

I think you are both very, very tired and not at your best and it's probably not a good moment to try and be right or be too upset by comment. I think its time to be compassionate to each other and have a look at how you can work together to both get more sleep as you are both struggling and both have reasons to need sleep.

I agree trying one doing a late feed and one the early feed or trying alternate nights, or giving each other one night off a week, or getting some day care/mothers help so you can have a nap in the day.

Trying to be boringly practical about this. Have you a spare room with space for a bed and cot? Whoever has the baby can go to a nice calm space, feed the baby, pop into cot and doze/sleep on the spare bed/sofa/whatever.

But it’s not working as you wouldn’t be posting on here.

Absolutely no reason for you both to be awake in the night. If you are just doing the nappy you’re getting the better deal in this situation even though you husband has work

Can you not have cooled boiled water in 3/4 of a sterilised bottle and then when baby wakes you add the powder and top up with boiling water? That’s what I used to do but it was in the last century.

Why do you both have to get up?

I don’t think he’s in the wrong to want to change up the night time routine with a 7 month old as it sounds really inefficient but there’s a right way to initiate that conversation and sarky comments are not it. He owes you an apology for that. That said I would be looking to make some changes as that’s a newborn style schedule and just not sustainable especially when you’re pregnant, have epilepsy and he has to be at work the next day.

-Waiting ages for a bottle to cool is just unnecessary. Make ahead or get a nuby rapid cool or a perfect prep machine.

-1 night feed per person he takes the first one and you the second one, or vice versa. There’s no need for you both to be up at the same time. I’d put baby in their own if you haven’t already and then whoever’s turn it is can tend to them in there without disturbing the other parent who should be taking the opportunity to get a decent chunk of sleep.

-Ultimately though I would try and reduce the night feeds. 2 is a lot for a bottle fed 7MO. Try to get him to have more in the day, make sure he eats something filling before bed. Maybe also consider preempting the first wake up by giving a dream feed as you go to bed at 10/11pm. I would also slowly taper down the amount you’re giving at the second wake up by an ounce at a time then get the baby up at 7 every day and give them a full feed.

But it’s not working is it?

Agree with what others said early on - it’s not a two man job and don’t blame him for getting a bit annoyed. But would be nice if he did it at the weekend and you get to sleep through.

I used ready made formula for night feeds and dc were happy with room temperature so it was easy.