Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

You both need your sleep, not just him.

Alternative the night feeds, or alternate nights so you both get a better night's sleep. You don't both need to be up at the same time. No way would I allow a situation where I did all the night wakings. That's ridiculous.

We combi-fed and had a prep machine and it was super quick and came out the rights temperature so you didn't have to wait for it to cool etc. Would recommend!

Congrats on the pregnancy x x

The prep machine can't be used for her milk.

This is exactly what we did - with CMPA formula as well. The boiling water makes the formula safe and the cool, boiled water makes it ready to drink.

Op no one thinks you should do all the night feeds. People are just querying why you and your DH both get up.

I think you should do 4 nights a week and he should do 3. But that you should be looking at ways to encourage your baby to sleep through the night without needing 2 feeds. Maybe speak to your HV or look at some of the sleep threads on here.

She will do all the night feeds when she's bf her next

Hi op @DefyingGravity012. DS is also 7 months old, here I am during the night feeds!m sending solidarity. Just wanted to say if he is leaking through his belly and needing changes twice during the night it may well be that he needs to size up nappies and also vests. My DS wakes 4 times in the night to feed and doesn’t ever leak through, he wears size 4+ nappies pampers or Tesco ultra dry to sleep. The nappies are very very absorbent and his bum never feels wet so it’s not as if he’s uncomfortable marinating in his own pee all night!

I’ve taken the view point of there’s no point in us both being tired and awake during the feeds and whilst I’m on mat leave it’s me who is getting up for them. Once I’m back at work I’ll expect a little more help!

Get a Nuby Rapid Cool, takes the feed from boiling to drinkable in a minute, absolutely insane technology but would stop all the fussing while he waits

Don’t forget, it’s not only your DP who works. You also work. Looking after a 7 mo baby 24/7 is very hard work. Professional nannies, nursery carers and childminders, who have to be employed if both parents work elsewhere, will testify what hard work it is.

It’s even harder on broken sleep, never mind when pregnant. The possibility of a couple of hours nap in the day when the baby’s sleeping doesn’t make it much easier. Who sleeps deeply during a daytime nap when they’re alone in the house with a baby?

Both parents are responsible for looking after a baby. If the baby wakes at night, both parents are responsible for caring for it. Unless a parent has a very risky job (e.g. surgeon, pilot, works at height), both should take it in turns to cover night care. Especially if the mother’s pregnant, or has any other condition (like epilepsy) which requires plenty of sleep to stay well and the baby’s bottle fed anyway.

Didn’t want to read and run

Firstly congrats on pregnancy and hope you’re feeling ok!

I also have a 7 month old and up until recently she would only sleep attached to the boob so I completely sympathise with exhaustion. Everything is made worse when not sleeping. Don’t forget you’re a team! It can easily become the tiredness Olympics but it’s not - you’re both tired in different ways and need to come to a solution together. I don’t agree with how he’s said what he said but can appreciate that we can all snap when tired.

I haven’t voted but agree that there needs to be a shift how the feeds are done - can it be split so you do shifts - perhaps husband does the earlier wake and you do the late one or you split the week? Do you have any family or friends who could help for just one night or so so you could both have some sleep together? Not sure when your last seizure was but I do worry with him out of the room if you were to have a seizure there would be no one who would notice. Perhaps there is a support group for mums with epilepsy or someone more clever than me will come along and give advice about how to navigate this.

I was also going to say exactly what @Oatmilktea has said. We used to use a size up overnight and when our DC was in 3is in the day and 4s overnight - no leakages and makes night feeds quicker. Luckily we don’t seem to get dirty nappies overnight anymore so it’s just a very very wet one in the morning.

I will probably get shot down for this and the only reason I dare mention this here is due to the epilepsy because you not sleeping can have serious consequences. We have sleep trained and honestly it’s one of the best decisions I have made. It’s not for everyone I get that, it can be harder in the short term and you do have to be consistent with it but I’ve gone from having a child that was up almost every 2 hrs to one that sleeps for 12 overnight (I’m only up as I woke to go to the loo) There’s loads of gentle methods - it’s not just leave the baby to cry it out and babies are learning to self soothe not learning that no one is coming contrary to PP - when my child is ill or teething or going through a developmental leap they still cry and know that they will be responded to - anyway happy to be PM’d if you want to know how we did it but appreciate it’s not for everyone.

Good luck x

My DH did every single night feed with me but we had twins. Baby is 7 months old now, I think it’s fair for your DH to sleep if you are still on maternity leave

You both being awake is ridiculous. Take it in turns. You definitely shouldn't be doing all the night feeds just because you are on maternity leave. You need your sleep being epileptic and pregnant. Sleep when the baby sleeps is bs. Mine rarely slept for more than 30 mins in the day and rarely alone when that young.

This is an easy one to fix. You do the 2am feed, he does the 5.30 one.

Ignore the sleeping through suggestion, baby is too young to be sleeping through the night. Babies usually night-wean around 19months old or so

This is total nonsense. A baby doesn't need a night feed for nutrition at around 6-8 months.

I cannot stress enough that you need to get yourself a rapid cool. They don't break the bank and honestly they make life soo much easier. I think have a plan with him so a day on and off so ur both getting some sleep. However that will end when baby number 2 comes along because it will be one with one or maybe other little one will be happily sleeping through at this point. You have your health to think about too I think this is what needs to be considered. Ask ur husband what days he would like and then you alternate I think its probably good to keep that routine with lie ins and things further down the line too as it is so easy for resentment to build with everyday life and small children.

I agree with @Floranan's thoughts. With two little ones so close in age, you are going to have to figure out sleep, routines etc that work for you both. You both need rest to thrive and be able to communicate well together. The person at home will have to find ways to get some rest in during the day, the person out in paid work will need to get more rest at night - of course there's some exceptions in case of illness of other parent etc.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

I had my dd in 2015 and the advice then was you could make all bottles in advance and store them in the fridge

By the time I had DS in 2016 the advice had changed to you had to make them as and when baby needed and couldn't make them in advance

I wish I'd just made them in advance like I did with DD because it made the night feeds so much harder. Ds fed every 2 hours too it was a nightmare.

If i was to have another I'd make the bottles in advance again,

I also agree with @Floranan

It's bonkers that you both get up for every feed. I also think you need to get the baby sleeping through & with a routine it is possible. It doesn't necessarily mean leaving them to cry. Mine were sleeping through from 6 weeks & I definitely didn't leave them to cry.

Can you imagine both being awake 1am, 5am plus at random times with a newborn? It would be too much for me.

Can you use boiling hot water for powder and then top up with boiled water that has been left to cool down in a sterile bottle?

Do you do dream feed around 10-11pm?

You can make the bottles up and leave them in the fridge for 24 hours, it states this on the NHS website. I have a ten month old baby and have always done this. Also no point both of you being up, take turns. Me and my husband either take turns doing the feeds or take turns sleeping in the spare room. So last night I got a full night's sleep, tonight he gets one. You will both burn out otherwise.

Not sure if you'll see this amongst all the comments. But I also make my bottles from scratch at night , it doesn't take long with this system. I use a flask of boiling water (make it just before bed) . And I use a nuby flask (cools the boiling water down very quickly) . Measure out the amount of boiling water in the bottle, then pour most of it into the nuby flask, keeping enough in the bottle for the powder. Add the powder into your remaining amount of water in your bottle, mixing it up. That's the hot shot, it kills the powder bacteria. Then you generally just need to wait a minute or 2, pour the water back on from the nuby flask and it's done. No screaming baby.

I've just checked and you are right!

Why do midwives say different then?.... I'm actually really cross about that, my DS was 4lb 9oz when he was born and i was so worried about anything going wrong with him I just blindly followed the midwives advice about making bottles up as needed instead of storing in advance.

I wish I'd gone and checked now, I felt like killing myself I was so exhausted

Make it with enough boiling water to sterilise the powder then add enough cool sterile water to get it to a safe drinkable temperature. Take flasks upstairs with you to save time or use a prep machine. It really doesn't need two of you, you should definitely be taking turns, that doesn't make sense

Ignore all the posters saying he should stick to helping on weekends. Taking turns could mean you do the 1am and he gets up at 5 for the day. Also some ridiculous suggestions that you need to get your baby to sleep through.... They will by about 6 months' time. At this age 2 wake ups is normal. Can you make up 2 bottles before you go to bed and put them in the fridge? Or use the premixed formula for nights? You can buy big bottles that can be open for a few days so it's not as expensive as those little bottles. As for the nappies, i would recommend trying the next size up if it's getting really full, and/or if it's just wet and not soiled then you could try doubling up with a bigger nappy size on top.

Due to being in the process of weaning.

I think you should switch to a system where he does a few nights in a row. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday?

Also, you should be encouraging the baby to drop the night feeds. You're going to be on your knees as your pregnancy progresses if you can't sleep through.

Why does the nappy need changing twice a night?

I'm glad someone has finally posted about using flasks.

We brought some when we had DD on the advice of another mother who only formula fed.

Make sure they are different colours and make sure you put hot water in the flask colour you both naturally identify as being hot. (So we used a red one for hot water.)

You put the powder in the bottle in advance. Then put in some hot water from the hot water flask and then fill the rest of it up with pre-boiled cooled water from the cool flask.

However with the second night feed/early morning feed the OP/her DH may have to boil the kettle as the water might not be hot enough.

I don’t think you can make bottles of CMPA formula in advance as the milk separates and curdles. Buy a Nuby rapid cool and look at hotshot methods, they cool the water really quickly.

What nappies do you use? Try using Pampers premium protection and size up if they get full so you don’t need to change.

It really seems pointless if you’re both awake. I would be trying to drop a feed as well to be honest. My baby is 9 months and hasn’t had a night feed since 4 or 5 months old. Is baby hungry or just feeding for comfort?