Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

Ignore the sleeping through suggestion, baby is too young to be sleeping through the night. Babies usually night-wean around 19months old or so, although my experience is with breastfeeding, but babies are babies, so no doubt a formula fed baby will need a drink in the night. Babies should be fed smaller quantities and more frequently, however, often people formula feeding will give larger bottles and space out the feeds a lot more, which really isn't good for babies digestive systems. They whole point of babies waking frequently in the night is to prevent them from SIDS.

I did vote YABU, because your partner needs a good night's sleep for work the next day. We actually slept in separate bedrooms whilst my babies were feeding through the night so as not to disturb my DH. So baby and me bedsharing in one room, DH in another room. Then he didn't wake me when he was getting up early to go to work, win win.

I do appreciate you're pregnant and epileptic, and need your sleep too, but you should be sleeping when baby sleeps, as hard as that can be at times.

It really is quite ridiculous that you are both getting up for every feed, it's bad enough for mum's being sleep deprived with babies, but madness for both parents.

Thank you so much. Fellow south London mum 😄. It is honestly quite a worry for me with the epilepsy. It’s well controlled but I feel jittery all day if I’ve not had enough sleep. It feels similar to having had waaaay too much caffeine.

i am wondering now if I should just be prepping the bottles in advance, I just didn’t think you could do that any more. Considered getting a machine but then wondered what the point is if baby will be off night bottles in a few months (I plan on BF 2nd baby. Didn’t go to plan with 1st. Might be the case with this one either though so maybe I’ll buy the machine after all 😆)

It is.

Babies getting ill from not sterilised bottles. Actually babies dying.

You aren't sterilizing the powder, you are making a fresh bottle and not having it have germs grow for hours.

Op get premade bottles?

My baby has cows milks protein allergy so unfortunately we can only have powder, there are no pre made bottles for this like there are for other brands. I agree with the sterilising thing and honestly, the special formula my baby has makes the bottles and teats so gunky that I won’t stop soaking, washing and sterilising them until he’s completely off bottles

That's not right about SIDS. We don't know why SIDS happen and you aren't told to wake your child. It may help that bf babies are hungry more often.

Also bottle fed babies night wean much sooner. Because they aren't feeding for comfort.

I really hope so. My son was sleeping through by around 9/10 months (he was also bottle fed)

I am afraid it really isnt. And you are talking to a woman who spent the best part of 21 years sterilising bottles and wishing she didnt have to!

A bottle that hasnt been washed properly but has been sterilised is far more dangerous to a baby than a properly washed (in hot soapy water, rinsed and left to air dry) bottle.

There is no scientific evidence to prove that bottles need sterilising.

I’m gonna get some sleep now. Will pick this back up tomorrow. Thank you to all who have taken the time to vote and chat. Its really good to get an outside perspective on situations, particularly because when you’re in it, it’s hard to see the whole picture and what’s unreasonable and what’s not

Definitely get a prep machine. I bottle fed for a bit and waiting for it to cool with a screaming baby was hell on earth.

Ordinarily I'd say you should do nights as you're on leave (at least during the week) but your epilepsy definitely throws a spanner in the works. Can you get a good stretch of sleep between 10-2am, and then you can take over?

I'd highly recommend sleep training, then it's win win win. Sleep for all!

Have you both been waking up every feed? That seems so unnecessary to me. I've breastfed all of our children so I've always done all of the the night feeds, never saw a need to wake him up since there's no point both of us being tired. Given that your baby is bottle fed you can take turns- what if you did the midnight feed and then your husband did the 5am feed, that way you pretty much get a whole 8 hours in between the feed and when baby wakes for the day, and your husband is just getting up a bit earlier than he needs to for work. (Or alternate which feed you do each, but both of you waking up for both seems very unnecessary.

Prep machines have been proven to not sterilise the formula powder. Food poisoning in infants can be fatal.

Sleep training is also cruel, raising cortisol levels and causing long term emotional harm.

This is what we did, then when I went back to work we took turns. Also, he would do weekend nights so I could get a full night's sleep.

Offer cooled boiled water instead of milk. They soon learn it's not worth waking up for.

Get a Nuby rapid cool, you can just make the bottle as normal and pour it in there and it’s cooled with a couple of minutes.

Could your husband take the first night feed and you take the second so you’re both getting a chunk of sleep?

Full disclosure. I don't have kids. So you may automatically discard my opinion!

I understand where you're coming from, particularly since he's always been happy doing it, but it really doesn't make sense for you both to be up. He may just be particularly tired and irritable this evening and everything will be back to normal tomorrow. But if not...

I would be tempted to ask if he still wants to do night feeds during the week. If so, which shift would he prefer?

(As I obviously know very little about babies) Is it possible to just wake the baby at midnight for the feed? (or are you really not supposed to wake a sleeping baby?!) That way, if DH takes that shift, he still gets a good few hours sleep until he has to get up at 6:30. With you taking the 5am, you get to sleep through until then, and go back to bed until 8am.

You're getting an extra 2.5 hours sleep per day than DH. Getting up so early, working 8 (?) hours and also up for 2 feeds every single night is quite a lot. How would you feel being in his shoes?

If he no longer wants to do night feeds during the week, could you nap while baby naps during the day?

You don't say how far along in your pregnancy you are, but you're going to have your hands full having two under 18 months. You'll be even more sleep deprived! You should probably discuss how nighttime feeds are going to work with the new baby as well.

Your advice is so outdated. Do you sleep through? Exactly! No one does. It's not natural and there isn't a certain age where a baby will 'sleep through' what you are suggesting is that you don't tend to the baby so it learns not to cry but it absolutely will still wake, it just won't expect anyone to come. Maybe your babies were special and slept through. Maybe they just learnt to lie there in the dark feeling just as stressed but had learnt not to cry. You don't know.

But it isn't working ? He sounds resentful re working.
I've got 3 ,4 and under my husband has never done a night feed or stayed up with me I've ebf each time there is zero point in him doing a nappy it takes 30 seconds.
-and before anyone jumps in he's a great husband and dad but the nighttime's are my job I don't want him falling asleep on the motorway or missing something health and safety wise at work ( works at heights )

My DD had CMPA too. The tommee tippee prep machine saved my life. Honestly, we lasted two days of prepping bottles freshly - and after suffering from broken sleep decided to get the prep machine. As others suggest, no need for both to be awake at the same time during night feeds.

I’m not going to vote but as a mum who had 2 under 16 months I just wanted to suggest that you start discussing what the future looks like now so you can both start preparing.yourselves. We chose for my husband to sleep in one room and me in another with him caring for the older one and me the newborn. For reference, that newborn is now 17 months and still wakes for a feed most nights. My youngest also has CMPA and has neocate. Weve always used the hotshot method as this works well for us. Also still sterilising as you suggest, those bottles are grim! You’re both doing an amazing job I’m sure. These are just tough times but they do end.

Get a Nuby rapid cool so baby doesn't have to wait for bottles, if you aren't already swap to pampers overnight shouldn't have to change for a baby of that age

To add, set up a feeding station beside your bed. I used to have the prep machine beside my bed and a tub of bottles soaked in milton.

Never call it 'helping'.

Like 'babysitting' it suggests it's YOUR job and he's doing you a favour.

His turn, his share.

But if he has to be up for work at 6.30 and you don't, he needs to sleep.

You wash bottles to clean them. You sterilize them to kill any germs that could be left on them.

They aren't exclusive from each other but it makes it a lot safer than just washing alone.

Hence why you sterlise because it kills everything.

Ohh the thought of a baby not crying because he knows no one is coming breaks my heart 💔 😭

I can understand feeding, checking nappy, and making sure all their needs are met and then leaving them to cry it out until they fall asleep.

Buy a machine that quickly makes the bottle from scratch.
You will use it for the second one too, if you don't breast feed..

I can't understand why two people ever have to be up for night feeds! You could do the nights where DH has to get up early and DH could do the other nights. Or some nights you could do before 3 am and he could do after 3 am and a feed before he goes to work.