Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

It seems easy enough that he goes to bed a bit earlier and does the 5am feed if he's normally up at 6:30 anyway. He'll have some time to do some housework or laundry as well.

Then you just push your bedtime later and do the midnight.

Can't you do the hot shot think though? Use a small amount of freshly boiled water into the powder, shake and then add the pre boiled to cool it down?

I can't remember as my youngest is pushing 11 but I think that's what I did.

Also, the dream feed before you go to bed which will hopefully knock out one of the night feeds. Though my own controversial view that if he's eating and getting milk during the day then at least one of his night wakings is not for more milk.

I agree with others though that you both don't need to be up at night. Take it in turns so that you each get whole nights of sleep at least every other night.

In which case surely taking turns to do the late feed and night feed would be much better for everyone? Currently the OP AND her DH are doing all the feeds together. If she went to bed at, say 9pm, DH does the late night feed at 11pm then she does the 3pm feed and finally he does the first morning feed shell have had a good 6 hours before her feed then possibly another 4 hours, whilst he has a good 6 hours.

Two of you for one baby and one feed is nonsensical. Let him sleep through the night, he can do the early morning feed.

Clearly it doesn't work for you though.

It's absolutely bonkers.

Useless for both of you to be up at the same time.

While on maternity leave, I'm of the view that the working adult should sleep and the one on leave should do 100% of night times as you can usually sleep in the day etc

Even though the OP has epilepsy and seizures are triggered by lack of sleep?

What about the risk to the unborn child if OP starts having seizures?

How safe would the 7 month old be in its mothers care if OP was having seizures due to being sleep deprived?

why do you overheat the bottle?

If I was on maternity leave and my husband was working I wouldn't expect him to get up in the week, but would ask him to get up one night at the weekend with the baby alone, while I stayed in bed.

She's pregnant and epileptic. She needs rest too.

@NorthernGirl1981 original post doesn't mention epilepsy, sorry but no one reads 200 posts or other posts written by a poster just to glean key facts and respond to a MN post.

I don't know how sleep affects epilepsy but it's still bonkers to be awake at the same time in the night! So inefficient

Usual approach is to sleep as much as possible during the day - they only have one child?

could you maybe go to bed a little earlier after hubby comes home (if possible)? That way he can get a better sleep when he’s due to go to work and hopefully you have gotten some sleep yourself before you do the night feeds. Hubby can also help out on his days off. I know this is easier said than done ofcourse. I’ve had three kids so I get it! Both of you deserve a good sleep, but my concern more lies with things like trying to do a long work day with little energy, driving etc. it doesn’t make sense to me for both of you to be awake especially if you’re both struggling with it.

She did not say he was getting up because she was unsafe to be around her baby. She said he was doing it because they had always done it that way.

She also stated she is on meds that block her seizures.

She just likes him getting up with her and he doesn't want to.

Baby feeds twice during the night and once around 5am. He can sleep through the night and do the 5am feed as he is getting up to go work.

Anything else is inefficient and pointless.

Midwives/ health visitors generally don't recommend it because some people don't do it properly.

Babies can sleep through from six months. There's no need for all these night feeds.
Can you not give a good feed around 7 and then leave them?

Have you tried dream feeding him about 11ish? This might mean he then wakes at 3/4ish and then sleeps until 7/8. It might make life better.

I don't think a double effort is needed at night which doesn't mean you can't share. DH tended to do 3/7 nights when I was on mat leave and at weekends whoever got up in the night had the lie in

1. I wouldn't sleep train a baby that young.
2. Try cutting caffeine and napping in the day.
3. You both should do one wake (it's absurd to suggest her husband needs a whole unbroken night of sleep unless he's a brain surgeon etc, he'll cope!). A dream feed at 11 might be a great idea as the bottle can be made then.
4. Size up nappies and get the + overnight size. And looser pyjamas might help, they pull on the nappy sometimes.
5. I don't know how you feel pregnant, but please make sure you have good contraception after the next baby as this situation sounds like a lot for everyone.

Many don’t though.

It's truly absurd to be dragging your husband out of bed for company, particularly as you have stated your meds will ensure you don't have a seizure.

Let him sleep through the night as you can sleep during the day with the baby.

You only have two feeds around 12 / 1 so obviously just do that and let him sleep, and let him get up with the baby for the 5am while you get a long lie.

Problem sorted.

Anything else is inefficient and absurd.

Can your partner do the midnight feed, then you do the next one? Or the other way round so your both getting decent amounts of sleep. I would normally say night feeds are down to whoever is at home but as you have epilepsy you need a good night's sleep too. I'd also try and nap in the day if you can (I never did).
What is the plan for your next baby? Your child might be sleeping through by then but just incase they aren't you should talk to your partner as he'll have to do the night wakings for one otherwise when are you supposed to sleep?
For now though I'd go for one feed each in the night so it seems the fairest thing.

I am genuinely really surprised you didn't suggest by yourself your husband could sleep through at midnight since you are getting to sleep until midnight and then from 1am to 8am and can then sleep through the day.

"He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining"

Sounds like you wouldn't have listened to him anyway, since your reaction is to create a thread on mumsnet complaining about him making a small passing comment because he's knackered and awake for no good reason.

nannycare milk works - My two were both allergic to cows milk

if you dont want to buy a perfect prep machine this is how to make a bottle quickly in the night:

measure out the powder before you go to bed. Have a kettle with a v small amount of water ready in dc bedroom. Also have a water bottle with preboiled water in it.

As soon as you hear the cry, switch on the kettle. It will boil in seconds. Mix this with the powder. You dont need to mix the powder with the full amount of water to eliminate bacteria, a small amount of boiling water will
do this. Then once youve swilled the powder round in the boiling water top it up with the (now cold) preboiled water you had ready before bed.

it sounds complicated but you quickly do it on autopilot and it means you can make a safe bottle in under a minute without needing a perfect prep machine.

Most children who are allergic to cow milk will also be allergic to goat milk as the proteins are very similiar.

I can't see how both of you being woken in the night when he has to go to work the following day has 'worked for you' for 7 months? Maybe invest in some ready made formula for night feeds so it's quicker and your baby isn't getting the chance to get to the point of screaming?

But it makes absolutely no sense for him to wake up too

There isn’t any ready made formula for CMPA, it’s all powder.