Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

Yes, do the prep in advance.

But baby absolutely does not need feeding through the night at 7 months, on top of solids and milk during the day. Does he suck his thumb? Use a pacifier?

Does he drink water at all? You could try offering water at night.

I didn't want to read and run. I'd say you should do the earlier wake-up and let husband sleep until 5.30 and your husband should feed and resettle baby at 5.30 and let you sleep until baby is up for the day. That way you're both getting an "okay" amount of sleep.

With the CMPA milk you need to check the manufacturers website. Nutramigan and Neocate can both be prepared in advance and refrigerated for 24 hours according to their websites. When my daughter was a baby, she was tube fed neocate every 3 hours day and night. Her paediatrician adviced me to pre prepare 24 hours worth of formula, and put closed bottles in a bowl/bucket of iced water for 5-10 mins to cool them quickly before putting them in the fridge. It worked like a charm and honestly saved my sanity.

My DH was like yours when ours was an infant- he loved being involved at night even if it was just to keep me company. He saw that as a valuable bonding time with the baby and me, and to be honest I appreciated it. I suppose another round of sleepless nights coming up with a new baby may have made your DH re think things and that it’s not a matter of another couple of months and be done.

I don't get the "but he has work" stuff. I have a breastfed 7 month old - tonight I've been up with him every 3 hours. I'm back at work and my husband is on leave but he doesn't have boobs so 🤷🏼‍♀️ unless in a safety critical role or doing lots of driving it's possible to work and do night feeds. Splitting the feeds so you each get a chunk of sleep sounds very sensible.

Get a perfect prep machine, nobody messes about boiling the kettle etc every time! You’re making a 2 minute process into a half hour job. NHS/ health visitors are fine with the pp machine- just make sure to change filters as needed.
Stop both getting up. That’s not necessary. Do one each or do them both, depending on who needs sleep that night the most. You’ll get loads of time back by using a pp machine anyway.
We found that a nappy change properly woke ours up and then you have to settle them again. Experiment with different nappy sizes to try and avoid the nappy changing- we went up a size at night and now we double nappy because he’ll wee through otherwise.
When is his last feed before you go to bed? Can you bring forward the 1am feed to your bed time- say 10.30 or 11, as a dream feed if necessary? This is how we began to manipulate timings to drop the night feeds. Having a 5/6 hour chunk of sleep was a game changer to my tiredness.
It’s hard work when pregnant- I fell pregnant with a 6 month old too. Do what you can to get the most sleep possible, do alternate nights with DH if you need to so you both get some good rest. And get some earplugs for when you get to rest!

This thread is nuts. Some babies sleep through. Mine both did from about 4 months. They weren't left to cry. I was lucky, I know, but some people really make a ridiculous for their own backs.

If he's hungry, offer more food during the day. If he's soaking though his nappies he needs to size up. Get a prep machine or do what others are telling you for sterilising the milk powder.

I don’t feel you both need to be up for this.

Can you pick the baby up and take him or her downstairs with you while you wait for the bottle & your husband sleeps? I breastfed so didn’t need to wake anyone so it was a different experience. Husband also travelled for work so didn’t want him tired. I’m unable to advise on the bottle side of things. Can’t you use a flask of water to heat the bottle that you keep next to your bed so you don’t have to go downstairs. Also, maybe change the nappy only when baby has the bottle in his/her mouth to stop the crying and change in the dark or with minimal light.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It’s hard having two so close together but worth it in a couple of years as they will play together.

This is super odd but I’m also an epileptic mum with a CMPA baby (in South London too!)

On the advice of the epilepsy nurse he’s always had a big bottle before bed. We’ve got down to one night feed now at 9 months which is still a BF (mixed fed) at about 4:30-5:00. Dad does not get up with us though, he stays asleep then gets up with my son at 6 and gives him breakfast so I can sleep in until 7:30ish.

We got to this point by offering water instead of milk for any pre-4:30 feeds (remember it’s their drinks as well so baby might be thirsty). We also did a modified Ferber method, which I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for but again sleep training at 6m was on the advice of the epilepsy nurse, where if we knew he wasn’t thirsty or wet we would let him cry and fuss for 5 or 10 minute intervals. It worked quite quickly and he only cried for 20 mins one time.

For day naps we do struggle to get him down but I try to sleep when he does unless he’s in the buggy. Cosleeping is obviously off the menu but his cot is next to our bed so I put my hand through the bars and leave it on his tummy which seems to reassure him and stretch the nap out.

Here is my advice to you:

• A big bowl of porridge before bed. Make it up with Oatly Barista and a Pukka night time teabag in the pan when you’re making it.
• A Nuby rapidcool flask, a sterilised bottle, a flask of boiling water and some of his formula in the bedroom with you ready.
• Dad does not need to get up with you, but see if he can take baby for a 90 minute block at some point. 90 mins is a full sleep cycle so you’ll feel less groggy after that than if you have, say, 2 hours. During this 90 minutes he will do something useful like give the baby breakfast or dress him- not just sit and watch TV. You might need to specify this. My husband also takes baby for a walk on a Saturday morning so I can sleep in. I do the same for him on a Sunday so it’s fair.
• Lots of active play in the day- playgroups at church halls, going down to the swings when he can sit up etc.
• Precious Little Sleep has a useful site with loads of tips on getting them to sleep through.
• Size up a nappy for bed and do a nappy change while the baby is asleep in the cot just as you’re going to bed.
• Substantial food during the day- not just pouches of fruit or whatever.

You could take turns? He take the 5am feed you do the night one. You need to be as efficient as possible with sleep but it doesn't have to all be on you. If he's getting up for both feeds and you're sleeping two hours later in the morning I can see why he thinks it's a bit unfair.

I voted unreasonable because you both don’t need to be up at night, take turns.

Also maybe give the baby more milk during the day feeds to make up the ounces to see if he’ll drop a feed. Is he eating food yet?

Some great advice on here ..echo others you need to make some changes. Baby should be able to sleep for a good block at this stage. A dream feed at 11 ? Your dh needs to sleep but of course you do too so need to split this up - you are making a two man job out of something simple and before you have another baby you need to get a better routine. Find a way that works that doesn't involve boiling kettles in the middle of the night.

No need to step straight into martyr mode OP. Dh can definitely still do some night feeds, it's not all or nothing. But hats off to him managing work after being up every night.

Just buy a perfect prep machine OP, it's a lifesaver. The bottles will be ready in a few minutes. Totally mad that you both get up. Agree with everyone else you need to do the weekdays and DH does the weekend. And remember it's temporary.

At 7 months in this is beyond stupid.

But this is because you are a decent human being and also, did not want him to fall asleep at the wheel/get the sack because he was not doing his job properly because of tiredness, etc.

The vast majority of babies i have known have dropped their night feeds by 6 months old. Even my friend’s 10 weeks premature twins were sleeping 6+ hours regularly by 7 months. My youngest grandchild is 4 months old and she has her last feed around 9pm then generally sleeps until 6 am.

The perfect prep machine is great, there are some concerns from NHS around sterilisation so we ensure we fill the water thank with cooled boiled water as well. I have just completed all the night feeds and final one using the perfect prep, you can definitely hold baby in one hand while you make up the bottle and it takes less than 2 minutes for it to be ready. I think it’s worth buying as even if you plan to breastfeed baby number 2, you might want to do combination feeding anyway? Eg I have done 3 breastfeeding sessions tonight but baby still hungry so I made up a quick bottle to top her up! Even if you don’t need it for baby number 2, I think £99 is a fair price for a month/even a week of more well rested dad and mum.

You can get a second hand prep machine on vinted or Facebook. I just make 5-6 bottles in advance, cool them down in water for 5 mins and put them all in the fridge. They all get used within 24 hours.

I had to change my babies nappy during the night for wees too or she would leak. I started adding a cloth nappy pad into her disposable nappy or just using a night time cloth nappy. You won't have to change during the night when they stop waking for so many feeds because they won't wee as much!

Take it in turns to sleep in shifts, it's one of the best things to do. Can you afford a night nanny once a week? Is there any help you can get due to your epilepsy like home start?

Sounds like his nappy is the wrong size? I’m bf but my baby has gone through stages of feeding every single hour in the night, but even then, like the pp I’ve not had to change his nappy in the middle of the night since he was a newborn.

Both awake is making you both tired, us a night each not better of half the night each so you both get a chunk of sleep?

Agree with others that it seems mad the way you’re currently doing things, no wonder you’re both shattered.

Also I can see you’re planning on BF-ing baby number 2, just wondered if you’ve considered how that will work in terms of your tiredness once he can no longer share the load. Breastfed babies usually wake more regularly for small feeds as another PP has said, just something to consider with your condition.

We used the ready made formula cartons during the night as they were at room temp. Or perhaps as second baby on way might be ab idea to invest in perfect prep machine if affordable?

I dont think you have to sleep downstairs and it would be reasonable to take turns each with you doing a bit more on work nights but no sense for both of you to he awake as that is not sustainable.

Why are you both up for night feeds at 7 months? We stopped this when my husband’s paternity leave ended, as he needed to be fit to drive and work. He did the late feed and I went to bed early, then I did any subsequent feeds.
You need to divide and conquer, no point you both being knackered!

Agree it is daft both being up to feed one baby. You need to take turns, you do the weekdays when he has work and he does the weekends OR one of you does the midnight feed and one does the early feed.
We had a perfect prep machine and I used my son's special formula with that, it made night feeds much easier than waiting for a bottle to cool.
I would also check the nappy size as it doesn't sound right it's leaking.

Wow, first bloody post and already putting the boot in. Typical MN.

OP is pregnant and has epilepsy, are you hard of thinking? She needs sleep to be able to safely look after her 7 month old.