Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

OP this is slightly off point but you mentioned waiting for the bottle to cool down - I've had 2 children with CMPA and they've never been on formula that can be made with boiling water. All of their formulas have needed to be made up with cooled bouled water. What formula is your DC on?

It's a tough crowd here. I don't think you're being unfair. Epilepsy, a new pregnancy, and a 7-month-old all at once. Sacrificing some sleep in the cause, especially given that he had a bit to do with both of the latter, is something he should be glad to do. Obviously if it's so hard for him he's falling asleep at the wheel or messing up on the job, then divvy up the night work in a way that works for both of you. Your health and ability to be awake enough to care for the babies (and him I'll bet) is important too. I'm not saying he's necessarily totally wrong, but bringing up his issues by whining at 5 AM is not the best way to handle it. He could have just brought it up nicely at tea time!

We used to make bottles up each time by, say that a bottle needs 250ml of water:

• In advance we'd measure 150ml of boiling water into a sterilised bottle then leave it to cool.
• At time of feeding, measure 100ml of boiling water into a new sterilised bottle, then add required powder and the pre-measured, pre cooled 150ml cooled water.

I think it's roughly how the prep machine works but we didn't have the money or space.

please ignore this! Babies do NOT need night feeds once they hit 12-13 pounds, which your baby likely is by now!

you often have to help them to drop it - slowly reduce the amount they get in each bottle. Baby is just used to what they’re getting that’s all.

night-weaned both of my EBF babies at 6 months for my own sanity and they are now very happy, healthy toddlers. Honestly, some people just love to make mums’ lives harder for no reason except some weird sort of martyrdom! With epilepsy and another child on the way, night-feeds are just not realistic for the OP going forward. Time to start the night wean, OP!

www.babycenter.com/baby/sleep/baby-sleep-training-night-weaning_1505721

I did all the night feeds as my dh needed to sleep to function at his job but it seems an unpopular opinion on here.

The compromise which helped us was I would go to sleep around 7 and he would do the 9/10pm feed and then go to sleep and I would do anything after that .

I don't think it's fair to make them have broken sleep then go to work all day tbh .

You get to catch up sleep when the baby sleeps in the day and it's not for forever .

If he’s leaking through his nappy it may be that which is waking him, rather than the need for a feed. Have you tried upping the nappy size?

Agree with all of this apart from the sleeping through - baby is still young and often sleeping through is out of your control.

It’s bonkers that you’re both waking up. If he has to go to work and you’re on mat leave, you do weekdays and he does weekends. And then take it in turns to have a lie in on the weekends. You haven’t said that you need him to be up with you for the sake of medication so it’s a crazy arrangement you have.

But also, as someone who has had years of no sleep with children who do not sleep, night rage is a thing. My husband knows that anything I say in the middle of the night when exhausted and desperate for sleep is not to be taken personally and is to be forgotten about. Sounds like he had his first episode of night rage.

I just wanted to give you a little bit of perspective on the epilepsy as 90% of people here don’t seem to get it. I know a couple who were in a situation like yours (mum has epilepsy) and the husband did all the night feeds. He did have to take some time off work, but the epilepsy sleep thing is as you know well established and you have to take care of your health.

Of course, your husband also needs rest so it’s tricky. Can you split the night somehow? My husband and I used to split some of the nights and when I wasn’t “on” I would go and sleep in the other room with an eye mask and earplugs. He was working FT so I still did more of them but that helped me survive.

I was an incredibly anxious mum at first, even worrying that if my baby was jostled while we were walking, it might cause shaken baby syndrome. I believe midwives need to rethink their approach and focus on offering advice rather than instilling fear. For example, with co-sleeping – they terrified me about it, but the reality is that most mums will co-sleep with their babies at some point. Instead, they should be providing guidance on how to do things safely, to not only keep our babies in the best health but ourselves because we are the ones caring for them!

I agree with this. My husband worked 12 hours in a manual job. As I could catch up on sleep during the day I did the nights. I was breast feeding though so a little different. There are 14 months between mine so I know how hard it is to be pregnant with a baby that’s still waking up for feeds but I used to stay in bed until around 9am and usually have a gap during the day.

I’d generally agree with you BUT OP is epeleptic and pregnant so she actually needs more helps so she’s at less risk of seizures.

Against advice I used to pre prepare2/3 bottle of powder formula and just add 1/3 boiling water so it was a good temperature. Never caused any issues (this was 2 years ago)

Alternatively - Have you heard of a rapid cool?

Just to add, we also went against advice and prepared a bottle or two. We made sure we still sterilised properly and regularly. We weighed up the risks and decided we were ok with it. But a perfect prep machine is another option if you’re really worried. Worth the money if it makes life easier.

I would suggest you go to bed fairly early and get some sleep in and then you do the late feed and DH does the 5am feed as he'll be getting up anyway.
The other one sleeps while the awake parent feeds, changes nappy, soothes. Madness to both be awake!

When was he diagnosed CMPA and how long has he been ok the specialist formula? Could he still be having tummy troubles? If you're certain he's waking up hungry, then fair enough, but if not consider changing formula (GP often prescribe the cheapest option first but there are better forms-just more expensive- which helps for babies who are particularly sensitive). Also try pro biotics to sort his gut bacteria out if he's windy/uncomfortable.

I'd also suggest changing nappy brand and/or size- he shouldn't be needing multiple nappy changes at night. Same size but with a '+' so 3+ instead of 3 is more absorbent.

Not sure on making bottles in advance but remember advice is only that-advice, you can do what you want and what you feel comfortable with.

As you move into the realms of 3 children you absolutely have to start tag teaming. DH and I have actually always done separate bedrooms for the first 3-6 months (depending on how baby slept). I always took the lead role overnight as he was back at work quickly after each birth but had a free pass to wake him up and tag out if it was too much/I was stressed/overly exhausted. You definitely need a new system for the new challenges ahead. I'd approach it that way and try to have a problem solving chat later where you figure out what might work and you'd both be happy with.

Finally what's said between the hours of 11pm and 7am doesn't count. Yes- it sounds like he's been a dick but he's probably exhausted. As are you of course, and hormonal and worried about keeping your epilepsy in check I have no doubt. But you're a team, give him a free pass this time and work together to figure it out.

Not sure why you’re both up. I always did all night feeds alone for our children, I was breastfeeding and he was at work and I wasn’t. It made no sense to both be up.

Have a look at smart kettles - we have one that you can set to boil to a specific temp - so 70 degrees instead of 100. Some also have a 'keep warm' function and you can set them off to boil from an app on your phone.

Baby stirs - set kettle off to boil.
Pick baby up while you make up the bottle
Change his nappy while it is cooling

I agree with others who've suggested you do the 1am feed and ask your husband to do the 5:30am one if he's getting up at six anyway - that way you both get a decent stretch of undisturbed sleep.

The other thing that occured is if the baby is that wet when he's slept longer then he may be waking because he is uncomfortable rather than hungry.

Make sure your definitely using the right size nappy - mine always tended to leak when they were due to go up a size.

Change him immediately before bed - even if he was only done an hour earlier after bath.

Maybe try and do a sleeping change when you go to bed if his nappy seems wet.

I agree with PP about getting the perfect prep machine and/or a rapid cool/go prep.

We use a rapid cool at MIL's house as a lot cheaper than buying a second perfect prep. It's great and works really well. It's not as quick as the prep machine as you still have to boil a kettle (or could boil it a bit in advance and put in a flask).

You can often pick them up on offer in Aldi during baby events (I got mine there).

This is madness! If you want to share the one do the first feed and the other person do the second feed.

They tend to prescribe Pepti 1 as first line now then Alfamino if Pepti 1 isn’t tolerated. You don’t need a perfect prep though OP, you can make it with a rapidcool flask or even do the ‘hot shot’ method with a bit of boiling water then top up with cool boiled water.

I remember a midwife at the hospital telling me I should be up with the baby on me feeding between 12am and 6am every night. Scared the shit out of me. The rest were nice and sensible though.

Hi op, you’ve already answered my question in a way but I was going to ask if you could feed your baby more solid food before bed in case they are waking up bc of hunger?

Another tip is one of those all in one sleep bags with a zip at the front, in case your baby is waking up because of the cold?

You and your dh are in the thick of it atm and it’s tough. 🌷

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/3423859
this is brilliant for cooling the water down to the right temperature then adding formula whilst in the bottle.

Keep a station next to the bed with a flask of boiled water (that you use only for the baby), cool it down when he wakes using this wee gadget, add the water and pre measured formula in the bottle, shake and feed. Maybe then you could change him after his feed and put him down awake to settle himself.
You may find he’s less distressed and therefore settles quicker as a result of getting fed quicker.

Perhaps you could try to get into a good routine with the LO sleeping through before the baby arrives in due course.

Good luck, it’s not easy being in the trenches and you’re doing a great job.