Husband complaining about helping with night feeds, AIBU?

[DefyingGravity012]

Hi

My husband and I have a 7 month old and I have just found out I am pregnant. He has always been really helpful at all times with our baby, never complaining. Tonight though, he has got very annoyed about being up for a night feed with me, blamed me, and asked facetiously “what time do you get to sleep until?” . This started because our baby was taking his time to start feeding as he was fussing.

My husband has to wake up at 6:30 for work. Baby wakes twice in the night to feed, around midnight/1, then at 5ish. I stay in bed until around 8 when baby wakes for the day. I’ve sent him downstairs, I can hear him already snoring away. Our baby takes a while to go back to sleep after a feed.

I’ve always been so grateful for him being up with me and the baby even though he has work. It’s just the way he’s approached this I feel is unfair. It’s as though I apparently dont need the sleep. I’m pregnant, so I’m tired all the time, and have a medical condition (epilepsy) which is made worse by sleep deprivation (on meds that luckily block any seizures but if I’m tired makes me feel so awful until I sleep again)

AIBU?

thank you xx

No. Don’t expect him to get up with you when he has work early. Take it in turns on his days off so you can get break as well.

I can see why he got annoyed. As a mum of two previous hard to settle babies, I can see it from both sides.

So you’re on maternity leave and get a (relative) lie in every day and your husband works full time and does every night feed with you? Yabu. I think you’re both insane for this frankly. Two people don’t need to be awake with the baby. Take turns or realistically you do most of it since you’re on mat leave.
also not sure why you want another baby while your other is so young if you have epilepsy and trouble with tiredness!

Definitely bonkers to have both of you up- you would think you were naive first timers!

I fed at 9 am (breastfeed). OH did the 12am bottle feed (night owl no problem staying up). I then did the 4am feed (all on my own) and OH did the 7.30/8am bottle feed before going off to work. I got up at 10 for next feed and then had a normal day ish. I had an emergency c-cut so had a period of recovery.

I slept 10-4, c6 hrs. Then c 6 hrs. Plenty of sleep! Not perfect as would be disturbed by baby crying but feeds/nappy changes not done in bedroom. But much better than what you are doing.

if you need it have a nap when baby sleeps in the afternoon.

I don’t get why you both get up to do a night feed, it takes 2 seconds to change a nappy. Would make more sense to each do one night feed. No wonder he is shattered getting up twice then at half 6. In all fairness when I only had one baby I did all the night feeds no problem as I knew I could lie in the next day and nap when the baby napped. We are all different though of course so I’m not saying you should do the same, but share definitely.
he will need to get used to it when baby number 2 comes along though as you will be up in the night and then up early with your eldest who won’t be napping as much by then. Then you will be really tired.

One of you does the midnight feed whilst the other goes to bed around 10 or 11pm. At 5am, the one who went to bed early does that feed whilst other stays asleep. Easy !

You don't both need to be up.. if baby is only waking twice and you're on maternity you should let your partner sleep you don't need him there with you

When on the bottle we always did it that on a “school night” DH would do the last feed of the night, I’d get an earlier night and I’d do any wake ups and then weekends we would swap over and DH would do it. No need for both parents to be up, no need for both of you to be sleep deprived all the time and with a new baby on the way as well.

If you’re using Nutramigen formula I always pre made it. Well I filled up bottles with the boiling water and left them at room temp. Added the powder when we needed to use them. For a while I kept boiling water in a thermos so I didn’t need to wait til the kettle boiled however it was always a pain to cool down for drinking. Mine got used to drinking it at room temp. They were never ill. Guidance seems to change every few years with bottles with it any real reason. I also tried Neocate as well but mostly when weaning to try adding to cooking. The smell of both was awful.

HRTFT but this sounds crazy - whether one baby or two! Both of you need to sleep whenever you can!

I was at home when DH was working - I never made him get up in the night as he needed to be fit and well to go to work, drive lorries, use tools etc. I was a bit of a zombie for the the first 6 weeks before DCs slept through, but I wasn't working so it made sense.

We had twins but I managed fine. Bottle not breast fed though.

I can't understand why you need him to get up in the night? Presumably your first DC sleeps through now so you can just focus on the newborn?

You won’t be able to manage if you do the entire night yourself, you’ll make yourself ill. I do and I am so tired I barely function, we’ve just started taking turns again, hadn’t since 3 months baby is now 9. He could do the first or second feed and you do the other or he does three of the four days of the week helping or something. Apparently five hours uninterrupted sleep is what you need. Also my baby leaks every night if not changed and feeds a couple of times still, every baby is different and the you need to get him through the night thing is bananas. Also congratulations!!

Also once again baffled at the insane lack of compassion empathy and solidarity on here it’s so depressing

My DTs were born in 2008 so advice changes - but the nurses in NICU had both on regular 4 hourly feeds when I picked them up after three weeks.

I never really had much milk so used formula. The nurses said to ignore the instructions on the SMA tins and to make up 6 bottles each evening, and put straight in the fridge. Worked for us.

that

Perhaps you should speak to your health visitor again? You might not have been able to premake bottles when he was younger but if he’s 7 months, that’s probably changed. I assume he’s been weaned too so shouldn’t need night feeds as much moving forward.
top tip. Even if you’re asleep earlier, wake at 11pm. Change his nappy, give him a bottle when he’s not screaming for it and he will probably sleep through the night. Mine did and it too a huge amount of stress out of things. X

I think it’s extremely hard to be pregnant with a 7 month old who requires 2 nappy changes and feeds in the night. Your body is not fully recovered from the previous baby, on top of which the growing demands of the new baby, plus needing sleep for a medical condition. It’s not surprised you are exhausted and feel you need the support.

I voted YANBU, but also think DH was snappy due to the stress of this situation. As you say this is out of character (good!), is there anything behind it? Do you know what work pressures he is under, whether there is any job uncertainty, he’s not performing well or is worried about finances?

Looking ahead can you get any extra support for a short period at night with the new baby (either informal with family or paying for night support)? How will you cope with 2 hourly feeds plus your older one will likely be unsettled at first plus likely to still need some input at night?

There’s quite a bit to consider and good if you can find a more relaxed time to chat through the current situation as well as what you might need to put in place.

Agree with PP who suggested you currently share the 2 wake ups, and agree a schedule and perhaps let him decide which one will fit better with work, early or late. This is specifically with your medical condition and being pregnant. All the best OP.

Fellow epileptic mama here. I empathise with the tiredness, the meds and the jitteriness.

Seconding the perfect prep or shifts with a feed each in them to get by - If hubby is getting up at 6,30 and goes to be reasonably early he could do the 5am feed.

I just wanted to add if your confident you’ll BF next time and don’t want to invest in the perfect prep formula can be kept in a cool bag with an ice pack for 4 hours so you could make a feed at bedtime and make the next feed at 1.30 for 5. My eldest would take cold milk my youngest wouldn’t 🤷‍♀️

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/bottle-feeding/formula-milk-questions/

For breastfeeding second time around, my baby was a little bit poorly to start with when wasn’t epilepsy related but then I got don’t feed him he’s unwell it might be the meds (it wasn’t), do feed him he’s withdrawing from
your meds - if you have good epilepsy nurses they can help you unpick any contusing advice. Mine sent me some articles to weigh up the risks and benefits of BF with the medication I was on at the time Keppra (Levetiracetam). I did choose to BF (well exclusively pump because of horrible tongue tie)

She's got a single feed between 12-1pm. Then if husband does the 5am she gets to sleep soundly till 8am, per her own words.

Of course that won't make her ill.

Compassion empathy and solidarity for what?

She says her husband is great with the baby and has moaned once in 7 months about being dragged out of bed at midnight when he is working the next morning, and instead of listening to him she's started a mumsnet thread to complain about it.

It is rare indeed for me to take the bloke's side in anything to do with the hard work of small babies and pregnancy, but she is being selfish and unreasonable.

She has ONE feed to do at 12-1am and can do it herself no problem. Then she gets to sleep till 8am if he does the 5am feed. Then she can sleep during the day.

Not sure what we are supposed to feel compassionate and empathetic about?

This.

Came to say this. I have a 9 month old who sometimes wants a bottle in the night. I take up a flask of boiling water and put 2oz in the bottle, add the formula and shake and then top up 3oz from a pre-measured bottle of cold boiled water. It’s basically what the prep machine does, bottle is ready to go in less than 2 minutes.
I’d also suggest either sizing up a nappy at night or using Pampers (if you don’t already) and then you probably won’t need to change it overnight.
I use Aldi nappies during the day but find pampers more absorbent for night time.

@MrsJHernandez if only babies were so easy. For some babies, offering a "dream feed " does work. Or at least that's what Instagram says. In real life, neither my baby nor any of the babies at my mum coffee group take that. They may take the feed but then will still wake up for their usual feed too which makes the problem worse as they get used to more calories at night where there are no distractions so they take less milk in the day.

Also, waking at 5am, doing all the prep, feeding the baby etc means you are absolutely not going back to sleep. It's just not how adult brains work, you're way too stimulated. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" only works to an extent.

I think you need a new way of doing things. Current way is not working, especially as you're pregnant. I can't imagine what made you two want to conceive another baby when you're so sleep deprived with this one and you have epilepsy, but that's done now.

Firstly, you need new nappies. I rarely changed a nappy in the night after 2 months. Size up and try a new brand.

At 7 months, he's not a newborn. At least the 1am bottle could be made in advance and kept in the fridge so at least you're not making it while baby is crying. Assuming you make that bottle around 9-10pm, a few hours in the fridge is not going to make your baby ill. Keeping baby crying for milk is probably what's causing him to wake up fully and not go back to sleep easily.

What time does he usually go to bed?

What we used to do was DH would do the midnight feed and then he'd get a decent 6 solid hours sleep and I'd do anything else after that but go to bed about 9pm so I'd already had a couple hours before it was my 'turn' to get up

Hope things improve for you soon. Sounds like you do need to take it in turns to take it in turns at night