To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

I wouldn't be paying the bulk of a mortgage to house someone else's adult children, no. Multigenerational living is one thing, but these aren't your DC.

I agree with a lot above but then thinking of my parents and the various times I could just return home, and indeed having a home as opposed to stayin a hotel or something as there was no room at the inn. I also think people are a bit forgetful assuming all young adults want to be at home, costs are crazy out there!!!

Goodness no. As you fear, you and your DD will lose out most, and likelihood is you'll end up doing most of the work.

I wouldn't even consider buying together until his eldest two have left home for good.

Why the need to get married anyway? Keep your assets for your child to one day inherit, rather than potentially being split between all his kids (or at least buy as tenants in common and leave your half in trust for your DD in case you die first.

Your update enforces the need to never marry or entwine finances with this chancer.
Maybe he'd be better off if he asked his freeloading 'kids' to pay their way.
Personally, in light of this information I'd be cutting him loose, huge potential to be a cocklodger and freeloader.

He likes to be generous and he's doing it for a big family but he just can't seem to manage his money can he? No wonder his children are staying at home! They have a lovely lifestyle and don't have to pay a penny. I'm really glad you're not going to be part of that household.

By the way, he has all sorts of plans for your money, doesn't he?

@Abby23 sorry but why does he think he is financially responsible for a 29 year old and a 25 year old????? those two should be in their own homes by now!

Ha ha, yeah right, he wants a live in housemaid.

Not fair on your daughter. Don’t do it.

Yikes OP. Please make sure you are entirely financially protected and that your credit rating doesn't get destroyed helping him in the future. He sounds terrible with money. It is not selfish at all to make sure you are financially secure in your later years. I personally wouldn't marry him for financial reasons.

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

I've seen this before. He will spend all your money, and when it's gone, you will split and he will get half your house.

Stay as you are. Financially separate, separate houses.

Your update enforces the need to never marry or entwine finances with this chancer

I know.. I bet he thought that all of his Christmasses had come at once when the OP said yes.

It's laughable that he is 'old school male' about seeing his role as providing for you all yet asks to borrow money and can't get a mortgage on his own.

You are not compatible financially and shouldn't entwine finances (let alone move in with his adult kids 😷)

That won't work. A mortgage in your name would have to be affordable by you alone. Mortgage companies don't just let you take out a huge mortgage on trust that someone not in the mortgage will cover the cost

Reading your update OP please please please don’t marry or move on with this man

I understand it’s a lovely idea to have a wedding day if you’ve never dine it but there are more red flags here than in Moscow on May Day

Seriously think long and hard and seek legal advice before tying yourself to him.

Thank you for your updates OP.

It’s even clearer now that you would be foolish to tie your finances to his dodgy finances in any way, whether that be through marriage, taking on a new mortgage to accommodate his wishes, lending him money, a joint business venture or anything else he may come up with.

Carry on loving each other deeply from the safety of your single-status independence of course, but fully understand the precarious situation you are in, with him expecting you to marry him this summer.

Ask yourself if he wants marriage and all he has planned for a big house, big mortgage in your name etc for the stability your income will afford him with his poor credit situation.
Ask yourself also, if you fully understand and fully believe in his good judgement around financial planning. All finances must be fully transparent and examined carefully in order to agree financial planning together for marriage.

You have said that you aren’t going to move in with him. That’s good.
But you haven’t said that you aren’t going to marry him this summer. You are taking a massive risk if you do marry him OP, even with protections to safeguard your interests.

OH GOD, OP.

He earns 6 figures but his credit's no good and he ran out of money on holiday??????

It strikes me his children aren't the only people who haven't grown up and learned how to adult. He's a financial disaster area.

My mum's late partner was a charming man with two grasping daughters in their fifties (living independent lives). They thought he was rolling in money. In fact we learned he'd borrowed from her. He died after convincing her to invest thousands in his friends' scheme. He had borrowed to invest himself. Tits up.

This scenario smells very like some of the things she'd told me.

Getting into a huge mortgage in your fifties will be a huge millstone round your neck.

Your daughter needs peace and quiet, her own space, your attention and support, plus emotional and financial security as she moves into her GCSE years. I think you're realising this mad plan will deny her that.

I'd be interested to hear your independent son's opinion of this whole situation.

Love makes us do self destructive things. But it can also make us do things that can badly affect others.

Please stay strong.

And never again call yourself selfish when what you are is wise and careful and a great mother.

(I wonder if it's someone from that weird set up who has called you selfish? 🤔)

We are both professionals. Whilst we both earn 6 figures separately - he earns considerably more , I manage my finances well and work as an employee in a multi national- have done for decades. He on the other hand has been a contractor for many years with questionable savings/pension provision,.

He earns considerably more, but has poor credit which suggests it’s not just his savings/pension that’s questionable. It’s not selfish to want to protect what you have built for yourself, nor is it selfish to want a partner that takes your financial security seriously. It is incredibly selfish to build your future based on someone else (ie you) providing funds for a lifestyle you can’t afford. I’d keep finances entirely separate - you’ve worked hard and been financially responsible, he has a higher income and is choosing to use that to support adult children. He’s wrecked his credit rating and is still investing in god knows what thinking it’ll cover his retirement, you’d be mad to swap what you have for what he wants to take from you.

"He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility. Over Xmas, all 6 of us went on holiday to the states. He paid for everything even though I insisted to pay my way. ( he offered to pay for my adult child who politely refused - he has his own life)..On getting there, DP had run out of money and asked to borrow some off me."

@Abby23 how exactly is he an old school male? He is living beyond his means and was planning on having his future wife take on a massive mortgage in her 50s solely in her name for him and his kids. Don't be ridiculous OP.

"He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility. Over Xmas, all 6 of us went on holiday to the states. He paid for everything even though I insisted to pay my way. ( he offered to pay for my adult child who politely refused - he has his own life)..On getting there, DP had run out of money and asked to borrow some off me."

I would say an old school male.is someone who actually provides for all his family members, not someone who says he can/will but actually doesn't because he can't afford it. Sounds more like a billy bigballs who wants to sound like the all giving provider, but actually just sponges off people because he can't make it happen!

I think you've made absolutely the right decision in saying no!

I do understand wanting to get married, given the tragic backstory to why that hasn't happened for you. However, remember that getting married is a legal and financial contract. I know it's romantic and lovely and you love each other deeply and all that, but because you have DC who you (presumably!) want to leave your entire estate to, I really would be very careful indeed about marrying anyone.

Your DP's finances are precarious and his attitude to money appears to be easy come, easy go, which isn't ideal. He earns a lot and he's generous with it when he has money, but that income is never secure and he has three dependents, two of whom could be paying their way, but aren't. TBH, I wouldn't be hitching my secure cart to his runaway horse! You're in a good, stable, financial position - getting you to take on the mortgage for the house that he and his feckless offspring will live in is a great deal for him - but it's a bloody awful one for you.

I would not be moving in with him, I would definitely NOT be taking on a mortgage for him and his DC and quite frankly, I wouldn't be marrying him either. The financial risk is far too great for you and you have too much to potentially lose. Have a blessing, a commitment ceremony, something non-legally binding instead, but don't marry him.

Absolutely don't do this.
Such suggestions astound me.

Yes, I'm not sure what's old school about an unrelated woman paying to house your adult children.

This has more reg flags than a Russian military parade.
Do not risk your financial future by getting entangled financially with this man. Seriously re think getting married.

Re read what you have written here.

Its very easy to be generous with other people’s money. He takes everyone on a very expensive holiday and the runs out of spending money so has to borrow from you? How about asking the other adults in his family to pay their way??

Why do you want to get married? You have a desire to do it because you didn't get to do it with your late fiance. Thats a lovely thought but it wont be as lovely and romantic as you think, and getting out of it could cost you your pension and your financial stability.

My late fil got remarried at 50 it lasted 10 years (just) she had moved in with him, “sold” her house to her son so had no savings or assets so he had to sell his home of 40 years plus (my dh childhood home) to pay her off.

Im happily married but wouldn't do it again.

At your age (sorry) you should be looking at paying down debts and mortgages, possibly even downsizing - not getting a bigger house with a bigger mortgage that you will be expected to pay. Do you want to be working for another 20 years to keep the princelings in luxury?

Who will be cooking and cleaning and keeping house ?

My dd is 25 and still lives at home, although she spends 2-4 nights at her boyfriends. She is working and saving to move out so we don't charge her “rent” . She pays her own phone, car running costs, pays for her holidays and socialising, does her own washing and as she is vegi she buys most of her own food.

Think about your children? Your daughter has another 8 ish years to finish school and university. How will that be managed in terms of stability, room and space to study and also financially.

DON’T DO IT. JUST DON’T.
Don’t sell your house, don’t take on a new bigger mortgage, don't link your finances with him. Don’t get married.

@DinosaurMunch thanks. To clarify…The idea was that DP was going to pay most of the deposit £c300k.

@EnterFunnyNameHere

Sounds more like a billy bigballs who wants to sound like the all giving provider, but actually just sponges off people because he can't make it happen!

Blimey - that billy big balls phrase is exactly the term an acquaintance used to describe the way mum's late partner behaved. And your assessment fitted him perfectly.