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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

252 replies

Abby23 · 26/01/2025 23:15

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 02:00

Stay living as you are for another five years.

If anything, invest in a two bedroom place for you both to call home in your retirement. It will be a wonderful break; a holiday when you stay there..
You can rent it out when you are not there and it will be a way of not muddying the ownership of your current homes.

LifeExperience · 27/01/2025 02:03

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:40

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

Very wise.

Semiramide · 27/01/2025 02:05

Abby23 · 26/01/2025 23:36

Thank you for all the messages so far. You are helping me make up my mind. I think I will maintain my lovely but small home with my daughter and I!😀

Good choice

BingoDingoDog · 27/01/2025 02:21

You can still carry on having a relationship with him. You can stay over and go on holidays together. You can do that long term.

doodahdayy · 27/01/2025 02:22

I couldn't think of a thing worse.

battairzeedurgzome · 27/01/2025 04:19

Don't move in with your partner until ALL the offspring from BOTH sides are successfully launched into adult life and have their own homes.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/01/2025 05:46

OnlyWhenILaugh · 26/01/2025 23:25

You have fundamentally different attitudes to family life and expectations. Seems a precarious basis for a marriage.

I'm not sure how you get to within a few months of your wedding without having clarified this.

My response would be leave things as they are.

Sounds like you're not on the same page. And starting your married life by issuing an eviction notice is probably not the way to go.

This.

Abandon or postpone the marriage.

WafflesRMine · 27/01/2025 05:55

I am so glad OP won't be moving in with the family. You will essentially be paying the mortgage and bills split while there are 3 other adults there. Ridiculous. I would be so happy in a little house with just my child where I am at no one's beck and call. What happens to any joint property bought in future if something should happen to him? will his share be willed to his kids? Don't ever enter into a joint property purchase with this man. Keep your life simple and keep your money. a small property is good and easy and cheaper maintenance. trust me on that. I moved from a 3668 sqf. with a huge private lift lobby and huge balcony to a 1668 sqf. apartment and I am so much happier.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 27/01/2025 06:08

No, your daughter needs space to do GCSE not chaos and an unhappy mother.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2025 06:26

I wouldn't move in this scenario and I wouldn't get married either. Suggest you maintain the status quo for the moment and if things change in the future and the older children move out you can consider marriage then. Be clear about your expectations. If he is serious about marrying you it might help him to see that the older children need to move out and he needs to be proactive with this.

NameChangedOfc · 27/01/2025 06:37

Finedandydodah · 26/01/2025 23:23

No no no.

You'll end up cooking and cleaning for all. Or worse still it will become a battle ground between you and the adult children.

Keep things as they are. Keep your independence and way of life for your DD. That's an incredible amount of change for anyone to deal with and she is still very young.

I totally agree with this: your DD must be your top priority, especially at her age! Very bad decision to move now, let alone with this situation.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 06:46

Honestly I would carry on as you are in your separate houses where everything is working and you are both happy and not move in together.

jeaux90 · 27/01/2025 06:48

OP my partner and I have been together 5 years.

We waited.

My DD15 is doing GCSE this year and his son is second year Uni.

After the summer we will be buying together and moving in.

Honestly I am also not sure why you are marrying. You should protect the assets you have to be inherited by your DC and not stretch yourself with a silly large mortgage.

You are making the right choice to wait, especially for your DD but also you, but I'm not clear on why you'd need to get married.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 06:58

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:40

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

That's what I was thinking. You'd be taking financial security and throwing it away for a giant mortgage that you don't want, for a house you don't want to home people you don't want to live with. Madness. Make sure if you do get married your assets are protected for your children. His attitude to your money concerns me.

LAMPS1 · 27/01/2025 07:14

OP, I’m glad you have made your decision to stay put.

In your shoes, I would object strongly to his view that he continues to pay everything for his adult dc still living at home especially if they are working.
This set-up has clearly enabled them to come to rely on him financially and has therefore prevented them from becoming independent at the time when it was most natural to want to spread their wings and move out. To me, this means he is both thwarting their chances at happy lives and also controlling them. He openly admits….his house his rules and regards them as young children. It isn’t even a house share if they aren’t paying their way. He’s an obstacle to their growth and development.
It’s a strange, rather chilling idea of his, to me.

Please don’t do this, but what would he say if you asked him to move in with you and your young DD where it’s your house and your rules? Was that ever considered or thrown up as an idea.

i think you would be wise to keep your outgoings as low as possible and very firmly in your own control.
I certainly wouldn’t marry him. I wouldn’t burden myself with extra unknown or untested expenses and house keeping and anxiety and risk. It’s not a way to minimise your worries, it’s a way to increase your worries.
He wants you to take on a massive mortgage in your name only. Really?

i wouldn’t ever share his current weird views or expectations. It’s surprising you haven’t debated them before now.
Keep your well-earned independence OP.
Put yourself and your own little girl first.

Onlystayingforhalfanhour543 · 27/01/2025 07:20

user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 02:00

Stay living as you are for another five years.

If anything, invest in a two bedroom place for you both to call home in your retirement. It will be a wonderful break; a holiday when you stay there..
You can rent it out when you are not there and it will be a way of not muddying the ownership of your current homes.

This is a great idea!

BruceAndNosh · 27/01/2025 07:25

LAMPS1 · 27/01/2025 07:14

OP, I’m glad you have made your decision to stay put.

In your shoes, I would object strongly to his view that he continues to pay everything for his adult dc still living at home especially if they are working.
This set-up has clearly enabled them to come to rely on him financially and has therefore prevented them from becoming independent at the time when it was most natural to want to spread their wings and move out. To me, this means he is both thwarting their chances at happy lives and also controlling them. He openly admits….his house his rules and regards them as young children. It isn’t even a house share if they aren’t paying their way. He’s an obstacle to their growth and development.
It’s a strange, rather chilling idea of his, to me.

Please don’t do this, but what would he say if you asked him to move in with you and your young DD where it’s your house and your rules? Was that ever considered or thrown up as an idea.

i think you would be wise to keep your outgoings as low as possible and very firmly in your own control.
I certainly wouldn’t marry him. I wouldn’t burden myself with extra unknown or untested expenses and house keeping and anxiety and risk. It’s not a way to minimise your worries, it’s a way to increase your worries.
He wants you to take on a massive mortgage in your name only. Really?

i wouldn’t ever share his current weird views or expectations. It’s surprising you haven’t debated them before now.
Keep your well-earned independence OP.
Put yourself and your own little girl first.

Yep. He (alone) can move into YOUR house, and leave his kids in his house. With them paying the bills!

stillstormy · 27/01/2025 07:29

You must be mad to have even considered it.

bomalan · 27/01/2025 07:31

It's a no from me.
I would carry on as you are

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/01/2025 07:32

He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’d be a bit worried about this tbh, yes I can see “my house, my rules” for young people transitioning to adulthood but for adults 25+ it strikes me as controlling. What happens when you live under his roof? Are you happy for your daughter to live with a controlling adult?

EmoIsntDead · 27/01/2025 07:36

To answer some questions…
mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Twaddlepip · 27/01/2025 07:58

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:40

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

Thank god. It would be awful for you, but especially for your daughter.

saraclara · 27/01/2025 07:59

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

As soon as I saw that the mortgage would solely be in your name, I wanted to scream at you. That would be insane! Especially with three adults who wouldn't even be paying rent towards it.

I can't believe that you even considered this.

Blue278 · 27/01/2025 08:11

Why are you getting married when you’re both happy now?
Get married if you want but don’t move in together yet. When you do you need to combine finances equally. Buy somewhere small half each. If there’s money left over that can be used to help the children launch.
If you move in with all the young adults then anything negative about the move will be attributed to you coming along and upsetting the status quo.

I can see how this works for him. He gets to upgrade his housing, keep his DC close, move his woman in. No cost to him. Can’t blame him but you need to be selfish when considering a marriage at your stage of life. (And protect your DD).

HelloCheekyCat · 27/01/2025 08:19

What happens if you get married and one of you dies? Surely as spouses you'd inherit the other's house which could get very messy with the DC still.living there. would you want him to inherit your house rather than your DC?
Why get married at all????