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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

252 replies

Abby23 · 26/01/2025 23:15

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Abby23 · 27/01/2025 10:54

@LAMPS1 Thank you. Marriage can be postponed even though he doesn’t know it yet. Nothing big has been planned in any case. Just family on a beach somewhere!. I guess I’m being naive not considering the potential problems ahead given the current situation.

I feel so damn unlucky when it comes to love.

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/01/2025 10:55

Enough4me · 27/01/2025 08:48

100% x do not marry.
He will be able to use your capital when his business venture fails. Your money will go to keep his DC in comfort.

Don't marry!

This. I'm sorry but your be insane to marry someone whose credit is poor and who is investing in a new business.

Your need to be married seems to be entirely emotional, in that you've not been married before and want to be. But it's entirely irrational. The more you tell us about this man, the more red flags appear.

You don't need to prove your love by marrying him. You clearly have a lovely relationship, but tying yourself to him financially by marriage, and potentially losing what you have to his creditors, is just SUCH a terrible idea.

saraclara · 27/01/2025 10:58

Have a blessing, a commitment ceremony, something non-legally binding instead

I think that's a lovely idea. Would some kind of commitment ceremony help satisfy your feeling of needing your relationship confirmed on the presence of people that you love?

Whammyyammy · 27/01/2025 10:59

Stuff that. Those spoon fed adults are never moving out and you'll be their new maid/cook/cleaner...

mumda · 27/01/2025 11:04

Don't get married until you are happy with the plans.
Don't buy a house together until you are happy with the plans.

Be happy.

Original poster
Abby23 · 27/01/2025 11:15

V interesting that 10 percent of the respondents think that I am indeed being unreasonable in my question??

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 27/01/2025 11:16

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 10:54

@LAMPS1 Thank you. Marriage can be postponed even though he doesn’t know it yet. Nothing big has been planned in any case. Just family on a beach somewhere!. I guess I’m being naive not considering the potential problems ahead given the current situation.

I feel so damn unlucky when it comes to love.

I don't see you as unlucky. You have a partner you presumably love. Why the need for cohabitation and marriage at this point? Keep going as you are, enjoy your time together, and reassess as things change in the future.

PickledElectricity · 27/01/2025 11:24

Oh bless you and well done for putting yourself and your daughter first!

I think growing up in the west we are fed this idea that marriage is romantic - women anyway. But it's actually a financial and legal arrangement and when you're young and have nothing to your name you've nothing to lose, but if you are older you've got assets and responsibilities so you can't let yourself be blinded by love.

You could hold a commitment ceremony if you want to do a party with family, it doesn't have to be marriage or nothing!

SnoopysHoose · 27/01/2025 11:29

Something on a beach that you'll be covered to subsidise the adult leeches.
Can he not see he'd be better off if these two paid their way or better yet moved out?
He needs to stop being the big man paying for everything and accept reality, he can't afford it!

Bleachbum · 27/01/2025 11:31

Do not marry this man OP. There is absolutely no need to get married and you and your kids stand to suffer financially if you do. You can still be with each other for the rest of your lives without getting married.

RetroTotty · 27/01/2025 11:40
Kenan Thompson Snl GIF by Saturday Night Live

Absolutely DO NOT marry this man.

saraclara · 27/01/2025 11:40

I think growing up in the west we are fed this idea that marriage is romantic - women anyway. But it's actually a financial and legal arrangement and when you're young and have nothing to your name you've nothing to lose, but if you are older you've got assets and responsibilities so you can't let yourself be blinded by love.

Exactly that. My late DH and I married in our early 20s. We both had nothing to speak off at that point and earned the same amount. So we had a joint account, were on the same page regarding budgeting and saving, and it all worked fine.

I'm now widowed with adult daughters, a house and decent savings. Were I to meet sometime and have a long term relationship, I wouldn't dream of marrying them, however wonderful the connection.
I have too much to lose, and my daughters and grandchildren will always be my financial priority. Marrying at a later age is massively more complex and fraught with negative possibilities.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 11:41

Do. Not. Do. It.

Duckswaddle · 27/01/2025 11:45

You are absolutely not unreasonable. You have your own children to think about.
I’m afraid you’d end up being a skivvy to him and his grown kids and spending your money supporting them.
Definitely don’t do it.

TwistedWonder · 27/01/2025 11:49

saraclara · 27/01/2025 11:40

I think growing up in the west we are fed this idea that marriage is romantic - women anyway. But it's actually a financial and legal arrangement and when you're young and have nothing to your name you've nothing to lose, but if you are older you've got assets and responsibilities so you can't let yourself be blinded by love.

Exactly that. My late DH and I married in our early 20s. We both had nothing to speak off at that point and earned the same amount. So we had a joint account, were on the same page regarding budgeting and saving, and it all worked fine.

I'm now widowed with adult daughters, a house and decent savings. Were I to meet sometime and have a long term relationship, I wouldn't dream of marrying them, however wonderful the connection.
I have too much to lose, and my daughters and grandchildren will always be my financial priority. Marrying at a later age is massively more complex and fraught with negative possibilities.

Agree. Im in my 50’s and all of my divorced/widowed friends say they have no intention of ever cohabiting again.

Even the ones in LTR are happy to carry on dating and living separately.

Ellie56 · 27/01/2025 11:50

I think you've already knocked the mad idea of paying for a huge house and living with his adult kids who pay nothing on the head.

Now knock the idea of marrying him on the head too. His finances and attitude to money sound dodgy. You do not want to entwine your finances with him as if anything goes wrong it will be your money baling him out.

And if you ever get divorced, he could take half of everything you have including your house and your pension.

Coming up to her GCSE years, your DD doesn't need all this upheaval either. Stay as you are. You know it makes sense.

2JFDIYOLO · 27/01/2025 11:51

@Abby23

V interesting that 10 percent of the respondents think that I am indeed being unreasonable in my question??

Please don't clutch at straws!

The landslide majority are horrified at this scenario.

You still desperately want the romantic wedding / being married thing you've convinced yourself you missed out, were unlucky with.

But I hope you'll keep your head on straight. This is a one way ticket to disaster.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 27/01/2025 11:54

I wouldn't do it.
It won't end well.

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 11:57

If, in their culture, singles only leave home if they marry then why is he OK with it if they leave. I thought that in most families the eldest female usually rules te roost. I think you have to discuss this very seriously with him particularly as you fear their presence could be harmful to your couple. Why on earth is he footing their bills? Is that a cultural thing too? The financial side of the arrangement if you move in, needs scrutinity. Presumably they aren't paying any rent ? Does he have cleaning ladies and such?

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2025 11:57

Rewis · 26/01/2025 23:27

Fuck no. I ain't gonna live in a houseshare in my 50's. Especially if just have to pay and clean after my roommates. Just nope. Also, as an adult child I would not want to move to blended family with dad and his new wife. 6 bed house to accommodate almost 30yo?

Edited

That's well put - it really is moving into a houseshare! It would be a definite "No" from me.

saraclara · 27/01/2025 11:59

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 11:15

V interesting that 10 percent of the respondents think that I am indeed being unreasonable in my question??

It's very likely that those people voted before you posted about being solely responsible for the mortgage, your partner having poor credit, and him investing a large part of his capital in a new venture! All of those are HUGE red flags and risks to you and your daughters financial security, and I'd be amazed if anyone voted YANBU after reading them.

MassiveSalad22 · 27/01/2025 12:00

God no, I would not be doing that!

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 12:00

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 11:15

V interesting that 10 percent of the respondents think that I am indeed being unreasonable in my question??

9 percent now and the only ones who will have said you are unreasonable are men who mooch and handmaidens who think that men have a right to mooch and treat women like servants.

Do. Not. Do. This.

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 12:01

Haven't read all the posts but has anyone mentioned getting married as planned but not living together? That would seem to suit everyone - he has his family unit andyou have yours. Up to you both how to fix the time frame. Another HUGE reason against you moving in is that if the son marries you end up being a MIL !

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2025 12:03

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 12:01

Haven't read all the posts but has anyone mentioned getting married as planned but not living together? That would seem to suit everyone - he has his family unit andyou have yours. Up to you both how to fix the time frame. Another HUGE reason against you moving in is that if the son marries you end up being a MIL !

Getting married to a man with poor credit, who we already know is flaky with cashflow and who is subsidising FULLY his three adult children?

That's madness. She would get nothing from the arrangement but potential liabilities.