Page 4 | To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

Abby23 · 2025-01-26T23:15:32+00:00

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here.. been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on. my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter. his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv. all kids get on… partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too, Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?. the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less. i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him. It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married. any advise please? Thank you

scoobs321 · 27/01/2025 08:19

I nearly did what you are contemplating, it was a disaster. My kids had flown the nest apart from youngest who had gone to Uni and I was in the process of selling my house. I moved in with him and his 2 adult sons (1 working at 25 yrs 1 had never at 23 yrs). I lasted less than a week before I came home, took my house off the market and stayed put.

By that time I'd given up my job, downsized alot of possessions. The relationship survived / we are still together but, his kids still haven't left home, they are now 28/25.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I came home. I've got my old job back, love living on my own with weekend DP. We've been together 13 years. I doubt things will change until we retire (we are 55) I don't think his kids will ever voluntarily leave home.

So yes, stay put, don't get married until you are both free of your respective children. In his case that may be never unfortunately.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 08:22

mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit. The mortgage payments and bills will be split between us

Your DP is a cheeky fucker and I'm glad that you've seen sense.

The fact that he's expecting the Mortgage to be entirely in your name and you to pay towards mortgage and bills to house his adult children. Well, not only woukd I laugh but I don't think I could still feel the sane way about him at all.

He basically wants you to bankroll his adult DC choice to still live at home. If he can no longer afford to keep them, he should talk to them about moving out not get you to pay for their housing and bills.

And I personally wouldn't be taking on a new mortgage in my fifties unless I really, really had to.

I've seen too many people do it, have something happen and end up losing everything.

SnoopysHoose · 27/01/2025 08:31

Glad you're staying out, have to ask, have you pointed out he expects you to take out a huge mortgage and have 2 working adults not contribute is an absolute cheek?
Are these two spongers even saving to move out?

Original poster

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 08:33

Thank you for all the comments.

more clarifications based on a few questions from you

He won’t move into my house. We have discussed this. I said, if he wants a large house, he needs to buy it solo, I will keep mine and we will see how this unfolds. But I won’t be living with his grown kids.

Partner has explained to me that his credit is not great hence the suggestion I take out the mortgage.

We are both professionals. Whilst we both earn 6 figures separately - he earns considerably more , I manage my finances well and work as an employee in a multi national- have done for decades. He on the other hand has been a contractor for many years with questionable savings/pension provision,. My money is split 2 ways between my daughter and I, his is split 4 ways..,

I did mention that he does come from a culture where children don’t leave home till marriage. I am not from such a culture. My adult child started paying for his keep as soon as he returned from uni.,, he paid small amounts but still paid something,

He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility. Over Xmas, all 6 of us went on holiday to the states. He paid for everything even though I insisted to pay my way. ( he offered to pay for my adult child who politely refused - he has his own life)..On getting there, DP had run out of money and asked to borrow some off me. I gave him and he has since paid back. However, this tells me that if we do get a place together, that will be the story…, I envisage months where he might ask me to pay and he will reimburse due his extra spending.plus I will be subsidising his kids. sorry, I digress… just painting the picture…

He has said he has embarked on a separate business venture to secure our retirement and a lot of his funds are poured in there. I hope this works but I have no business in investing in this venture even though he has asked if i want to .

I will be seeing a lawyer to protect my small assets asap.

I must sound like a selfish so and so. But I’m cautious. I’m also super risk averse. Alll I ever wanted was love and companionship.. And to those asking why I want to get married in the first place…. We do love each other v deeply plus I’ve never been married. My fiancé died before we were due to marry. My partner on the other hand is divorced. Has been for over 15 years.

OP posts:

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/01/2025 08:35

Stay as you are for now, don't get married without having lived together first.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/01/2025 08:41

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:05

To answer some questions…

mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit. The mortgage payments and bills will be split between us.

I’ve made up mind anyway. I can’t do it. He can live with his adult kids for as long as he wants. It feels an unfair deal for me. My adult child is v independent and will not dream of living with me!

my young daughter does like my partners kids. They treat her like a little sister, they all do get on like a house on fire.

I just don’t think I can deal with living with other adults long term,

Edited

What the fuck, why would you pay the entire mortgage?

That's so ridiculous it's laughable

So glad you're deciding to not do this.

Enough4me · 27/01/2025 08:48

100% x do not marry.
He will be able to use your capital when his business venture fails. Your money will go to keep his DC in comfort.

Don't marry!

Mirabai · 27/01/2025 08:51

his credit is not great

This is the icing on the dodgy cake.

MrsDefrost · 27/01/2025 08:51

Good decision Op! Make another good decision - cancel the wedding. It will add nothing to your life and make you more vulnerable if you end up divorcing. You can have a perfectly good relationship without the ring and that piece of paper.

Joystir59 · 27/01/2025 08:55

Maintain your independence OP. I'm fairly sure you will regret blending your households .

Joystir59 · 27/01/2025 08:55

MrsDefrost · 27/01/2025 08:51

Good decision Op! Make another good decision - cancel the wedding. It will add nothing to your life and make you more vulnerable if you end up divorcing. You can have a perfectly good relationship without the ring and that piece of paper.

I agree with this.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/01/2025 09:00

Gosh OP don’t call yourself selfish. You sound sensible and kind and realistic about what will work. DP is very different and keeping separate homes will probably avoid huge problems in future.

Remotemouse · 27/01/2025 09:00

You are wise and you'll be fine. Paying for a holiday for the whole family and not having enough money to fund it - would make me very concerned about sharing finances.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/01/2025 09:01

… and don’t marry him! Your financial affairs will inevitably get tangled up to some degree!

Millyjanice · 27/01/2025 09:02

I’d keep things as they are.

Certainly wouldn’t be marrying either as that will complicate your assets and your dd might not like living with him and his grown up kids.
If his daughter is a madam now, almost certain she’ll be bossing you and your dd.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. He could change once you’re married and moved in. It would then be difficult to move out.

Possibly move in on a trial basis and keep your house so you can move back if you want to.Even then, I’d be wary.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 09:03

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 08:33

Thank you for all the comments.

more clarifications based on a few questions from you

He won’t move into my house. We have discussed this. I said, if he wants a large house, he needs to buy it solo, I will keep mine and we will see how this unfolds. But I won’t be living with his grown kids.

Partner has explained to me that his credit is not great hence the suggestion I take out the mortgage.

We are both professionals. Whilst we both earn 6 figures separately - he earns considerably more , I manage my finances well and work as an employee in a multi national- have done for decades. He on the other hand has been a contractor for many years with questionable savings/pension provision,. My money is split 2 ways between my daughter and I, his is split 4 ways..,

I did mention that he does come from a culture where children don’t leave home till marriage. I am not from such a culture. My adult child started paying for his keep as soon as he returned from uni.,, he paid small amounts but still paid something,

He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility. Over Xmas, all 6 of us went on holiday to the states. He paid for everything even though I insisted to pay my way. ( he offered to pay for my adult child who politely refused - he has his own life)..On getting there, DP had run out of money and asked to borrow some off me. I gave him and he has since paid back. However, this tells me that if we do get a place together, that will be the story…, I envisage months where he might ask me to pay and he will reimburse due his extra spending.plus I will be subsidising his kids. sorry, I digress… just painting the picture…

He has said he has embarked on a separate business venture to secure our retirement and a lot of his funds are poured in there. I hope this works but I have no business in investing in this venture even though he has asked if i want to .

I will be seeing a lawyer to protect my small assets asap.

I must sound like a selfish so and so. But I’m cautious. I’m also super risk averse. Alll I ever wanted was love and companionship.. And to those asking why I want to get married in the first place…. We do love each other v deeply plus I’ve never been married. My fiancé died before we were due to marry. My partner on the other hand is divorced. Has been for over 15 years.

Edited

Please do not marry this man. I can understand why you would find the idea of marriage attractive given what you've been through but for yours and your DD's future security DO NOT marry him.

Once you're married he will probably keep having money from you but stop paying you back.

What happens in retirement when you have a pension and savings and he doesn't? Are you bank rolling his retirement?

And if his credit isn't good enough for a mortgage this probably means that he has debts which will immediately become your debts if you marry him.

Who do you think the credit companies will pursue, the one with no money or assessors or you with your savings?

You are completely financially incompatible. The holiday would have put me off him totally. It's outrageous to say he'll pay for everything then ask you for the money. He cares more that others think he's the provider than actually doing the providing himself and that alone should start ringing alarm bells for you.

I'd start to ask yourself why it is that you want to marry him because I see massive advantages for him and nothing for you.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 09:04

*no money or assets

m00rfarm · 27/01/2025 09:05

Find a property that has a cottage in the grounds, rather than a 6 bedroom property. Then they can come and go as they please, and you are not living like a student in a house share. Or even better, you purchase a property for you and him (which is yours) and he purchases a second one for his children.

Mooosewoman · 27/01/2025 09:07

Great update OP. Bide your time regarding marriage. Good luck.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 09:12

And if you do marry and split. He's going to be entitled to half of the house, half of your pension and half of your savings, meanwhile you get debt and bad credit.

You really do need to think about what you're giving up here for you and your DD.

jeaux90 · 27/01/2025 09:13

Honestly you'd be mad to marry him.

You really need to ring fence your assets for your DC in terms of inheritance.

Marriage is irrelevant, it's not like you need to have legal cover as a SAHM.

I am saying this to you as a 6 figure earner, lone parent for 15 years with a wonderful partner for 5 years I don't yet live with.

hotnotgrot · 27/01/2025 09:16

Definitely don't marry him.

By all means have big birthday parties together etc and keep a close loving relationship, but do not go all in with this man. Total disaster.

Keep separate lives.

Dror · 27/01/2025 09:17

You'd be giving your kids inheritance to this man if you married him, and losing your assets.
Why not just enjoy dating without household drudgery and financial risk?

Cattreesea · 27/01/2025 09:18

It is a no for me.

Not fair on your daughter and you will end up cleaning and cooking for several people...

Keep you house and independence and I would even consider not getting married.

Maybe when you kid is older and has moved out and his have finally left home then you can reconsider but at the moment you have everything to lose in this proposed arrangement.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 09:20

Maybe when you kid is older and has moved out and his have finally left home then you can reconsider but at the moment you have everything to lose in this proposed arrangement

I still wouldn't consider it then given his attitude to money.