To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

@Bigcat25 thank you. I get your point but My son is her role model. He lives on his own and is very independent. all my siblings and nieces/nephews are too.. I’d say my parenting skills are good

Neither opinion is unreasonable. I wouldn't want to all move in together with the suggested arrangements

Why would you choose to do this to your child ?

I wouldn’t. The 29 year-old should definitely have fledged by now. The 25 year-old should be in the process of moving out because they know their father is getting remarried and moving in with his new wife and realize that now is a good time to become independent. It’s odd that the two of them aren’t trying to do that.

I definitely wouldn’t be stretching myself to buy a large house to accommodate 29 and 25 year-olds. As someone else mentioned, who is cleaning it all??

I definitely wouldn't do that and honestly I wouldn't marry him at the moment. It's going to be no advantage to you or your daughter if you live with his family, nice though they may be. I also think they would probably prefer not to live with you as well.I would just keep going as you are for now and keep your own place.

Great advice!

Don't do it. When the two adult kids do eventually(!) fly the nest you'll be stuck with a house far too big for your needs and likely have to move again. Hopefully if handled in a respectful way, your decision not to move in might prompt your partner into reassessing his kids being at home indefinitely. If they're both working there should be a glide path for when they intend to move out.

For now, I’d stay in your own house with your DD. She’s only 13 and moving in with three other adults and an older teen would be a huge change for her.

Explain to your DP that it’s too much at the moment, perhaps you can reconsider when she’s older (18+). That’s what a friend of mine did, they didn’t marry until last year, when her youngest turned 18 and went to uni. Even so, she’s kept her house in case her children decide to work in the area.

Tbh, if his eldest hasn’t moved out in another five years, she’s probably not going to. Which is fine, but you may prefer to stay in your home (I would)!

To answer some questions…

mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit. The mortgage payments and bills will be split between us.

I’ve made up mind anyway. I can’t do it. He can live with his adult kids for as long as he wants. It feels an unfair deal for me. My adult child is v independent and will not dream of living with me!

my young daughter does like my partners kids. They treat her like a little sister, they all do get on like a house on fire.

I just don’t think I can deal with living with other adults long term,

Nope wouldn’t be happening. You will end up resenting them, not to mention paying for them, cleaning etc

Stay as you are until they leave

Bugger that!! Don’t do it and don’t marry him either!

The elder two are what's known as 'failures to launch', after rockets that should have taken off into the sky - but have just fizzled to a halt on the launchpad and show no sign of igniting.

Your OH hasn't done his job of helping them out of the nest to fly solo (mixed metaphors ...) and make their own lives, as you have successfully done. So your eldest won't be competing with them for your labour.

I will bet that if you move in with them you will be cast in the role of cook, housekeeper, cleaner, laundry maid ...

You will be number two woman, because his elder daughter has staked her claim.

And your younger child will be right down the priority list as the youngest, the newcomer, not Dad's child ...

Dread to think what their attitude to his will might be, too.

Absolutely. Stay right where you are until your teen's launched, then see if his have finally finally become adults before taking any drastic steps.

Sorry op, that came across ruder than I intended. I'm sure you're a great parent.
My concern was just the inconsistency of expectations for your daughter as I assume you would want her to pay her own way more than his kids do.

He's doing this because it benefits him.
You will be stitched up like a kipper, locked down & trapped.
You'll be outgunned massively, his team will have everything on their terms and you will will find out the hard way that blood is thicker than water.

Just saw the bit about him paying the deposit, mortgage in your name, sharing mortgage & bills.

Where are the adult children in this? Are they all coming in to share the mortgage and bill payments? Are they planning to pay rent and bills? Are they just going to live there for free?

Please put the brakes on. I see a giant mess in a few decades with will-wrangling. Please speak to a financial advisor.

His kids are never moving out - why would they.
Don't move, don't get married to him. Think very carefully - do you really want to continue this relationship ?

Please dont do it. I did exactly that and its a living hell. I feel I ruined my kids lives cos of it. Just don't......

I think this man wants the kudos of his very large house and he likes having his children around him. He wants you there OP to deal with any downsides, most likely any of the work generated by his unfledged offspring.

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

Why do you need to get married? Having a joint property and both having separate children could end up very complicated further down the line.

Stay as you are - you’ve got ideal set up now

Quite, providing them with a very large family home complete with live-in housekeeper on duty 24/7 sends a very clear signal that his largess knows no bounds!

I think you're being very wise. The number one person in this mix is your 13 year old.

This is a crucial and complex age - She needs YOU.

Not a complicated, confusing and frankly rather peculiar domestic setup that couldn't be in her best interests.

Your chap treats his adult offspring as children, so that's how they'll behave. Forever, probably. It's not healthy - for them. My great aunt lived with my great grandmother and had no life of her own.

They're on a cushy number - why would they want to go out into the world and fend for themselves when daddy bird is promising them a bigger nest they won't have to maintain themselves?

The more I look at your posts the angrier I seem to feel for you and your daughter! Your eldest's an example of great parenting in action. His ... aren't.

Glad to read your updates that you’ve decided not to buy a house with him. I think moving in with him and his adult children would definitely not go well. Good decision!

I’m gobsmacked that the 29 and 25-year-olds make no financial contribution at all to the household bills.

I hope that they’re at least saving hard for deposits, although that seems unlikely given that your DP wants to buy a big house.

Postpone the wedding until after the older kids move out. He might help them on their way, if not enjoy the life you have for a few more years.