To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

Who will be the person cleaning the 6 bedroomed house?

That'd be a no from me.

Those children are never moving out.

YANBU

House with granny flat for them?

No no no.

You'll end up cooking and cleaning for all. Or worse still it will become a battle ground between you and the adult children.

Keep things as they are. Keep your independence and way of life for your DD. That's an incredible amount of change for anyone to deal with and she is still very young.

YANBU that would be a very hard no for me leave things as they are no one in their right minds wants to line with someone’s adult children.

Don’t do it is my advice. It won’t be very harmonious for long I fear.

You have fundamentally different attitudes to family life and expectations. Seems a precarious basis for a marriage.

I'm not sure how you get to within a few months of your wedding without having clarified this.

My response would be leave things as they are.

Sounds like you're not on the same page. And starting your married life by issuing an eviction notice is probably not the way to go.

No win situation for you.

You're either the one who lost them their home and their dad, or you're the one moving into their home.

Nope it's a no from me. I'll stay as is and maintain my own house til you can cut the apron strings with your children. They ain't leaving under their own volition.

Fuck no. I ain't gonna live in a houseshare in my 50's. Especially if just have to pay and clean after my roommates. Just nope. Also, as an adult child I would not want to move to blended family with dad and his new wife. 6 bed house to accommodate almost 30yo?

I'm single and I have accepted that I will not move in with another partner whilst I have children still living at home (if ever). So no I would not move a 13 year old in with a partner and adult children, I think that would be a disaster.

You can still be together, just not live together. Plenty of couples do this and it's perfectly fine

I would say it’s not really fair on your DD. She must have lived with just you (or you and older sibling) for a while- she’ll be living with 4 strangers? I’d say nope.

Sounds like you'll become the cook and cleaner of a 6 bedroom house to 4 other adults instead of owner and boss of your own home.
It would be a no thanks from me. No to the marriage either. Just happy with way things are now.

I don't understand why a 25 and 29year old are getting all their bills paid? Don't they want independence?

Nope, don’t do it. Kids are staying longer and longer with parents now, as we know down to ever increasing cost of living. My nieces live at home with ex SIL. She remarried, but nieces who are 30 and 24 still live there. Boyfriend’s staying over regularly. No sign of any of any of them moving out. I’m sure ex SIL is hoping that might happen soon, so she can enjoy some time with just her DH.

You’d be completely mad to even contemplate living with him!

Quite apart from anything else, surely your 13 year old doesn’t want to move in with a bunch of strange adults she can’t know very well?

Thank you for all the messages so far. You are helping me make up my mind. I think I will maintain my lovely but small home with my daughter and I!😀

Listen to your gut. Don’t do it.

I think multi generational households are becoming the norm now with the cost of living crisis and lack of housing in general. Most of the world lives like this and has done for eons. Those of us in our fifties had it so much easier and better in that it was so much more possible for young adults to move out and buy their own houses.

I am not sure what to advise. I can see everyone’s point of view. What about family counselling so everyone can get on the same page if you were all to live together?

So you have one teenager living with you but you're expected to participate on buying and running a 5-6 bedroom house. I agree with others that his children aren't going anywhere. I am not sure whether he is going to buy the house in his name alone in which case he probably plans to leave it to his children. A big mortgage if it's in his name is going to affect your lifestyle. Even if it's in joint names and you are sharing the cost he might well not leave you his share.

I was done with house shares a long time ago but this is what you're signing up for in your fifties and possibly for the next 20 plus years. You will not as the saying goes be the mistress of your own house. I just couldnt take this on. Date him if you want but don't marry him or move in because it would probably be very difficult for you to leave. If you're still thinking this has legs move in for a trial run. Protect your own finances at all costs.

I don’t think there is any reason to move in together now. I wouldn’t even get married personally because unless your on top of it it could be a complicated estate with each of you having children that cover a big age range then any grandchildren that will come.

maybe eventually when your both retired and all the children have gone. You can get a home small enough for both of you that is set up to grow old in and live off the profits of selling each of your respective homes.

even then though I would carefully set up the finances legally so that everything is clear and properly protected

I think this would be a big mistake. And if you want your daughter to be an independent adult, how can you do that with this situation modeled for her? She could have a great job and be thirty and expect you to pay all her bills if she still lives with you. I don't think that's great parenting.

Mmmm.., multigenerational households are definitely a reality. But do I want to make such a choice? I feel like my daughter and I will lose out the most.

thank you anyway. Appreciated

No don’t do it - my kids were easier to deal with before they became adults.

I know so many people who decided the only way to get their kids out was to buy them a home, save, pretend to charge them rent, anything - one woman was so desperate- she sold her 4 bed house and bought 3 one bed flats, for her and her 2 adult kids - so she could get some peace from them, my sil is hoping there will be an inheritance from Mil so her two adult kids will move out, they are 28 and 30 and have no intention of moving from a cushy number. My friend bought her 32 year old ds a flat and he just wants to move back home again where life is easy and done for him. No one wants to chuck their kids out and a lot of kids don’t want to leave. I would not live with anyone else’s adult children - no bloody way!

Why are you getting married at all ? Seems like you have the perfect arrangement now . You are daughter would be totally swept up in their existing family dynamics .

@Abby23 don't even think about it. You know it's a recipe for disaster.