To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

I didn't catch that he had a money problem, sorry!

@Bleachbum yes he owns his property. A 5 bed.

“ told him I am uncomfortable with moving in with his adult children. He said I have nothing to worry about as the kids love me”

He’s missed the point. You don’t want to live with other adults, it’s nothing to do with whether you get along - you can love people and enjoy spending time with them but still not want to live with them!

That’s before you even get to the financial aspect that you’ll be in one way or another contributing to the upkeep of multiple people in their mid-late 20s who should be paying their own way.

@Mnetcurious he has so missed the point. He has now proceeded to tell his oldest child about me not wanting to live with them. Apparently he said she is offended and hurt as she thought I liked her!

That is not the point as I do like her v much.Is he refusing to acknowledge the point?. Or is he being deliberately dumb?

Nope
I would stay with your daughter in your home & he can stay in his home with his kids.

It's a recipe for disaster, with resentment all round.

The more you write about these people, the more I think you've had a lucky escape.

Of course you don't want to live with other adults. I wouldn't either. I did all that when I was a student.

Apart from so-called "D"P spectacularly missing the point, what I don't get is why would adults approaching 30 want to live with their dad's partner and her teenager?

OP, I'd say he's getting out in front of things and spinning the narrative to make you out to be the bad guy.
He may have promised his children certain things when you all move into a much bigger place together & he doesn't want them to see it as his fault that this is now not happening.

I expect the promise to his DCs was financial security for the rest of their lives as he met someone who would love them and secure their future for them. It's now back to Earth with a bump that you aren't bailing them all out.

He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility
I think he wants to be the benevolent patriarch to whom everyone defers, but his generosity is conditional upon your obedience OP. The 'dark side' of seeing everyone as his responsibility is that he feels he owns & controls you all. Your money is his money, his wishes are your wishes, hence he had no strategy to follow when you didn't fall in line.
That's how it's looking to me anyway!

@Mrsbloggz absolutely!

I hope you get chance to speak to his kids. All they need to know is that you love them, but the step from having a home of your own, just you and your daughter, to a full on home of five adults (and in the future, possibly their partners/boyfriends/girlfriends) and your daughter just feels too intense for you.

I am perhaps being unfair to him, it might not be so much out of malice that he is painting you as the bad guy. It might be driven by his inability to tolerate being in the wrong, or that any dent in his benevolent patriarch image makes him feel very threatened and he reacts badly.
I'm not trying to excuse or condone him- we are probably all a bit messed up in some way & that's his way!

Actually why is there any need to purchase a 5/6 bed house ?

He already owns a 5 bed house, thus his ' children ' have a bedroom each he has one he can share with you leaving one bedroom spare for your dd.

No need for £300,000 deposit and no need for you to have a large mortgage.

And you either rent out your current house or sell it and put the money into an account / savings etc. in your name.

I think @Mrsbloggz might be onto something with “the benevolent patriarch” concept.

He clearly wants to provide for everyone (is this perhaps also a cultural expectation?) but doesn’t really have the financial means to do so in the way he’d like. So he came up with this idea to pool your resources, without thinking through the extent of the financial burden on you.

Perhaps he just can’t see how unreasonable he’s being, because in his mind he “has” to provide for his adult children. But you mustn’t get involved in this, you need to prioritize your own iDS and DD!

I’d say he is neither deliberately missing the point, nor being dumb. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wants.

At this point you really need to consider his motives as he doesn’t appear to have your or your daughter’s best interests at heart.

Credit not good enough to buy a house, you would be taking out the mortgage and housing 6 people, he is starting a new side business and wanted you to invest...

That sounds risky.

Your daughter gets along fine with his adult kids now but when you have 6 people in a house, oh, the things that can go south. You're going to have little privacy. Cooking. Cleaning. Everybody knows your business. What about when the adult kids are bringing their friends and bfs and GFs around. What if someone gets pregnant or has a baby that is there part time.

This sounds awful to me. The financial aspects alone I would run. Add in supporting 4 other people, I'd be out of there faster than Sha'Carri.

So then why can’t you and your daughter move in with him for a while to see if it all works first? You keep your house just in case. If after a year it’s all working just fine then get married, sell your properties and buy another house?

Stay as you are op
The other scenario has this will get messy written all over it.

In a way I feel slightly sorry for him painting himself into this corner whereby he provides everything for his working adult children

At 29, who among us expected our parents to house us indefinitely and pay all our household expenses? I doubt that any of us did but he’s created this bizarre situation for his family.

Doesn’t the 29-year-old realize that her Dad has bad credit and probably can’t pay for everything forever?

He is using her response to manipulate you.

He has shown you his true colours.

Id say you have had a lucky escape

I can see how some people might think I’m being unreasonable. However, I don’t think I am..,

I don't think you are being the teeniset bit unreasonable but even if if you were it wouldn't make any difference. You don't won't to move in with him and his kids so you shouldn't. You are an independent adult and you need to do what you think is best for you and your own kids.
You don't need to justify why you don't won't to move in with him to anyone.
Asking Mumsnet for their opinion if good as it give you things to think about and hopefully helps you make your thoughts clear but even if everyone said you were unreasonable you should still do exactly what you want.

I wouldn’t put myself and espaicky not my daughter through this . You can sit down in 5 years and see her you and your partner are in life.

Much fairer on your Dd.
It sounds like a recipe for disaster tbh.
Can the wedding be postponed ?

Couldn’t edit. .
I've seen your updates .
I would be worried he is after your money he sounds like he would have you left with nothing as he doesn’t sound great with finances and financial decisions

His reaction is strange. Maybe he is annoyed she’s not getting to be financially tied to you by marriage or other means.

Listen to your gutt

I reckon he'd promised the daughterleeches the world.

Billy bigballs scattering largesse around. While not actually having it himself - pinning it all on the money and the financial savvy you'd provide.

Now that isn't going to be forthcoming he's got to find someone to blame, to keep his reputation shiny.

Stay in your home with your daughter the focus of your attention. Stay safe, stay secure. Don't put a single toe into mixing financials with him.