To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

And... Given what charming delights these people are you can bet your bottom dollar that if you did roll your sleeves up and take 3 months off work for the task or whatever, you'd face endless questions as to why you got rid of that treasured item, complaints as to how you carried it all out, didn't you realise the cuckoo clock had had Sibling's name on it for twenty years and you sent it in the charity shop bag... and maybe accusations that you squirreled away the best stuff for yourself!

Ugh. Don't touch it with a ten foot barge pole, nothing in the way any of them communicate with you suggests you would be appreciated.

No no no no no

@Splendud

He is helping them a lot and I am picking up the slack at home (we share the housework load 50/50 usually).

This is the agreement my DH and I had and all 4 of our parents were lovely and loving. But we agreed that the primary care for each of our parents would rest with the actual 'child'. So when the time came I gladly picked up the slack at home in order to free him to do what he felt he needed to do, including spending nights and clearing out the house, when that time came. When my parents needed me, he did the same. Took over the household so that I was free to do what needed to be done. We did little errands for them, of course, but the 'heavy work' belonged to DH and I according to our own parent's needs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you ARE 'pulling your weight' by taking on extra home duties to enable him to care for his parents. And you are right to block anyone who wants to argue with that.

The only part of this where you are unreasonable is not enabling voting.
YANBU 100%, good for you, I'm glad your DH is supportive.

100% on your side

Bloody well done, OP! I'm so happy to see a woman appreciating her own worth, valuing her own time, and not kowtowing to 'get back in your womanly box' nonsense from others.

They are not your parents, they have been awful to you for decades, and it is not your job to help them. Their own children can step up if they want to - otherwise they can pay for help. There are professional decluttering services all over the UK, as well as house clearance specialists.

YANBU and I'd be telling your friend not to bother reevaluating your friendship because its over.

They are being extremely unreasonable and will burn bridges very quickly if they don't stop and apologise soon.

As for your friend reevaluating your friendship- that wouldn't be her decision to make. Bloody awful behaviour all round.

You and your DH are perfectly correct - do not doubt yourselves for a second. The rest of them can take a long walk off a very short pier!

YANBU

Known my in laws for 30 years now. They never encouraged a close relationship. Made me feel like a second class visitor in their house, not 'proper family'.

And recently I've really felt sidelined. Photo albums stripped and only 'proper family' pictures kept. The kids commented I'm never in family videos. So it clear what they want.

I'll support DH and I'll be sad I never got the friendly in-laws I wanted. But I'll never make a personal effort now despite being mostly at a loose end.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/book-furniture-collection-near-me

You're well within your rights to tell them to fuck off, they're absolutely shameless in asking you to help them. Your dh can give them the details of the British Heart foundation collection service. Leave them to it.

Even if they were the loveliest inlaws why would you take unpaid leave but their own children dont??

Yanbu. Glad dh understands. Your friend is far too judgy or a mug. If you werent working and volunteering then i might help despite them being unfriendly. But that is not the case so not relevent at all.

YANBU

Absolutely,

I was about to post telling you to block them and then I saw you have.

Great decision!

Well done OP.

I can't believe that these people have been unkind to you and about you for 30 years and now they expect you to drop everything and help them?? And as for the siblings, tell them to fuck off and when they get there, to fuck off some more etc. etc.

Champion cheeky fuckers!!

Feel better for that?

Your in-laws should just take what they want, the kids then take what they want, then the in-laws pay for a house clearance. Your husband shouldn’t drive 3 hours to faff about with old books and charity shops.

Have you seen the show Travelling auctioneers who go through the house with people downsizing and list items for auction estimating the value. Have a look on catch up. It would mean that noone in the family would have to be involved. Of course there are auction fees to pay. I wonder if something like that might be an option.Then if anyone wanted something they could buy it before the auction

These friends have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Block them too. Siblings are hypocritical and selfish.
Being a carer is a huge commitment physically and mentally. Not one you should undertake for those who do not show you respect.

You aren’t doing anything wrong OP. I cut contact with my in-laws for exactly the same reason. My SIL had the nerve to text and berate us for not visiting my mil’s partner while my mil was away visiting a friend in wales a few years ago. Mil had an affair with this man 20+ years ago which led to my husband’s actual dad trying to end his own life. The partner has always been rude to us and we can’t stand him. And she’s been awful to me. You reap what you sow.

Your priority is your DH. If he is happy, no one else gets to have an opinion. Tell them to speak to DH and you wont be discussing it any further.

Nope ignore. Block if you need to.

My MIL is an horrible cow and her health is in poor condition and now has nobody there for her as she has alienated her daughter and all of her DIL’s.

She is now increasingly putting on my DH and his brothers and none of their spouses are getting involved as she has treated us so awfully over the years. I’ve blocked her as I cba with the phone calls. You reap what you sow IMO.

Good for you OP. I wish more women took a stand regarding outrageous caring demands

This is not just about the in laws. The siblings ordering the op around while their own partners don’t help… I would be blocking them too.

For TWENTY-NINE years they haven't accepted you as family and now they need some unpaid help sharpish' they and your DH's siblings think you should step up? NO F*CKING WAY! I'm so glad your lovely DH has your back on this OP, and you know you can/should stick to your decision not to get involved.
Oh, and I would tell your friend you're rethinking your friendship with her! A friend who doesn't understand or support you in not wanting to roll over for in-laws who've treated you like crap for almost three decades, isn't a real friend.

YANBU. Why are DH's siblings looking to you not him?