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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
BBQPete · 27/01/2025 21:02

I can't see how anyone thinks YABU here at all.

As for your 'friend' Hmm

The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either.

So why do they expect you to do it ?
I mean, you are helping in that you are losing your dh for the weekend and picking up what he would otherwise be doing at home.

Good to hear about another good egg of a dh on MN though. I know they exist all over, but they don't so often get a mention on MN.

SparklyLeader · 27/01/2025 21:05

YANBU Your friend has an opinion about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them and is none of their business. Let them fall out of your orbit because they are not truly supportive. Keep taking longer and longer to return their calls and texts until you just stop. Be too busy for drinks or lunch. Let them fall away. Block the inlaws who think you should do extra work because it's not convenient for them and your life is not as important as theirs.

You don't have to explain what you do, or how long you work. It's none of their effing business. They are not entitled to your information nor to express their opinion. Their parents, their responsibility. Those texts and calls are for your husband, not you. Block those numbers.

PracticalLady · 27/01/2025 21:08

I am with you OP, you should not be expected to help. Can't they employ someone? There are people that specialise in helping 'hoarders', surely they would be ideal for the job.

KTheGrey · 27/01/2025 21:11

Sounds like you are exactly as involved as the siblings are - difference is, they are not your parents and you have been up front about not doing this work for your ILs. The siblings have quite the brass neck from the sound of it.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 21:56

Hwi · 27/01/2025 19:08

Fair is fair, if your dh is going to give up his inheritance in favour of a foreign sibling and a GP sibling, that no help from you, this is fair. If your husband is going to inherit, your husband has to help.

Her husband is helping and OP is picking up more of the load at home to help him. Neither of her husband's siblings or their partners are doing anything to help.

However, OP hasn't mentioned anything about inheriting from her PILs so why have you brought this up? You did this on the in-laws gatecrashing OP's holiday thread as well.

Familysquabbles23 · 27/01/2025 21:59

Yanbu but I suspect alot of long suffering DiLs would help despite this lack of family integration, bc it's what's expected of them.

I think you've done right to stand up for yourself, but I'm not surprised some people are taken aback.

mrsmacmc · 27/01/2025 22:07

Perfectly reasonable OP. Don't pick up the rope!!

Laurmolonlabe · 27/01/2025 22:45

What the siblings think is of no consequence- they are just looking to their own convenience, and looking to feel less guilty, so trying to hand their guilt to you, they are not your parents.
To be truthful none of their children are responsible for sorting their lives out for them, and all should have talked to them about downsizing years ago.
They could then have done the work themselves, which would have been fairer all round.
Clearly selfishness is a family trait, and you are blessed it skipped your husband.

Frillysweetpea · 28/01/2025 00:44

Good for you!

T1Dmama · 28/01/2025 05:44

“The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either. “

This says it all really @Splendud !!

I think blocking them all is wise.. what a cheeky bunch!! Hopefully your DH will tell
them all straight that you will not be directly helping but that you’re picking up his jobs at home in support of him doing it!! And ask them not to bother you..
As for your ‘friend’… I think it is you who should be reevaluating the friendship!!… is she always this obnoxious & self-righteous?? Who the hell is she to judge your decision ?! Is she unaware of the years of comments and ignorance you have received from your in-laws?
I think if you do continue the friendships with these people you need to not engage in conversations about the in laws, if they ask about it just say it’s all going well and that you’re supporting DH & swiftly change the subject. Make it clear it’s a subject you aren’t willing to discuss.
Perhaps talking about inlaws needs to be added to politics and religion as subjects not to discuss 😂😂

saffronspices · 28/01/2025 05:44

They sound a right pair of old duffers, you owe them nothing. I'm sure you have a long list of memories in your head that are making you feel as you do. Even if you sat on your backside at home all day you still wouldn't need to justify yourself to any of DH's family. You taking on DH's share of home duties is helping him to help them so it's not as if you're not contributing anything.

Try not to get caught up in what the others are saying, let DH handle it and also try not to bring it up with him - let him tell you if he thinks there's anything of importance that you need to know, don't get bogged down in pointless conversations that'll just wind you both up, it's really not worth the stress.

Hwi · 28/01/2025 07:50

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 21:56

Her husband is helping and OP is picking up more of the load at home to help him. Neither of her husband's siblings or their partners are doing anything to help.

However, OP hasn't mentioned anything about inheriting from her PILs so why have you brought this up? You did this on the in-laws gatecrashing OP's holiday thread as well.

Show quote history

Natural course of life, biology.

Gloriia · 28/01/2025 08:35

I would look on it as helping your dh tbh. Great that he supports your decision but I'd be keeping my dh company occasionally on the 3hr drives and tip runs, obviously avoiding any chat with the pils. Sometimes it is good to be the better person.

vickylou78 · 28/01/2025 09:07

YANBU! They are not your responsibility! Your DH and his siblings need to be the ones helping or your in-laws need to pay for a company to come and help them! Also it's their fault they've hoarded all this stuff and not thought about the consequences until now!
You've got enough on, with picking up the slack when your DH is away helping.

Thisandthatandthensome · 28/01/2025 09:10

WingBingo · 26/01/2025 19:05

Can’t understand how anyone cannot relate to your decision.

Reap what you sow, and all that.

Good for you, btw. It’s selfish to not deal with your shit when you can and then have to leave it up to everyone else.

Yanbu

The other brothers should take leave and stay close to their parents for a while and do it.

Stay strong and get on wife your life. We'll done to your husband, he's got your back. Sod the others.

FluffyBenji23 · 28/01/2025 09:22

My God the entitlement of some people! This is not your responsibility. They are not your parents and have three adult children who should be doing this. Well done for establishing boundaries with relatives who have treated you so poorly. I admire your stand.

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

Pickledpeanuts · 28/01/2025 11:58

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

It's obviously information to counter the SIL's opinion that the OPs job is unimportant enough to justify unpaid leave.

It's not hard hearted for the op to refuse to pause her current obligations in order to pick up the responsibilities her in laws have shirked. It's a healthy line to draw. Falling over yourself to help people who treat you poorly isn't the bigger person stance, it's the doormats approach.

Codlingmoths · 28/01/2025 12:28

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

She can help her husbands siblings be the better person by stepping back and leaving them the privilege of caring for their parents. Imagine how that gp brother (sister?) might feel in a few years when they gain some wisdom if the op steps up now and enables them to continue comfortably working and living their own life, and then they realise what utter shits they have been, shit to the op and so shit for their parents who are no longer here and they can never ever make it up to them. Op, be the better person and spare them that agony of regret and having to look in the mirror and see themselves. Step back, keep them blocked. :)

QuimCarrey · 28/01/2025 12:29

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

They don't need OPs help though. There are 2 other adult children who could assist but have just decided OP ought to do it for them.

If you were/would be willing to do the hard work for two perfectly competent adults just because they felt entitled to it, that's not something to be pleased with yourself about.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 12:50

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

OP's job is relevant as her in-laws think that she can just take unpaid leave to help their parents, even though they are not willing to do this themselves.

Her DH is helping and she has taken on more than 50% of the load at home to enable him to do this.

Also, why should she care that two people who have been nothing but horrible to her won't be around for ever? Getting old and frail isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for previous unkind behaviour.

Feelingathomenow · 28/01/2025 13:30

All I can say is good for you. No way on earth should you help. It’s good your DH is supporting you.

id personally re evaluate your friendship with someone so unsupportive in a clear situation.

Dont back down to bullying

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 13:38

hcee19 · 28/01/2025 11:48

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

She was obviously explaining that she's very busy.

And no, they don't need her help, they want it. But they won't be getting it. Nothing hard hearted about not being a doormat.

Snakebite61 · 28/01/2025 15:05

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

You're totally in the right. I think losing your so called friends wouldn't be a loss.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 28/01/2025 17:13

YADNBU

It’s absolutely your choice whether to help or not and it’s particularly cheeky of your in-laws to say anything to you, given that their partners aren’t helping.

And there’s almost definitely a fair whack of misogyny wrapped up in this. If you were a man you’d be under far less pressure to assist. Stand firm.