To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

You are 100% right to pull away and don't let them manipulate you.

They are stupid for treating you with disdain and let them ' reap the consequences of their prejudice '.

You are not a mat for them to wipe their feet on when ever they feel like it.

You have good judgement, good on you for not falling for their BS and good on your DH for supporting you.

Stand your ground, keep them blocked and just carry on as before.

👍🌟😀

It would be nice if you took on some more of the load in your house, to support your DH while he sorts out his parents.

If you do find yourself in conversation I'd just say given how much they dislike you, it has been assumed you're the last person they'd want going through their stuff.

I’d be telling by the other siblings to step up and care for their own parents. They can take unpaid leave and sort everything out as their parents are their responsibility - not yours.

I would unblock to send these messages and then immediately reblock. Then give this issue no further thought.

By all means support your DH in any way you like but don’t feel any sense of obligation to help out people who have been unkind to you.

What? No, obviously you are not obligated to help them. I am very glad to hear your DH is so understanding - that's all that matters. I think you can help by supporting HIM as best you can as he does what he feels he should to help them.

When my Mum died and my Dad moved, necessitating a major house clearance, my DH wasn't involved at all. And he got on fine with my parents, weekly meals together etc. It just wasn't his job! He helped me by looking after our DC.

I agree! 100%! ⬆️

@Splendud even if the siblings wives or husbands are helping, I am sure that does not give them the right to dictate to you that you help. your husband, thankfully, knows the story!! as for your friend, did you never tell her what the out laws were like with you?? you have enough going on in your life!

I think if you did start to do these jobs you would end up being blamed when things go pear shaped "the movers @Splendud chose stole our jewellery. Oh the neighbours in the flat @Splendud chose are so loud! Oh our photo albums got lost in the move because @Splendud just got rid of things without asking us..."

I think leave your DH or his siblings to do the jobs. If noone has time, there are plenty of professional declutterers/personal organisers that (for a fee) could help them sort through 50 years of documents, keepsakes and trinkets.

What a very healthy thread. It's been over 2 pages with not a single "But they're old!" People who have always been nasty should have thought about that before they got to the age of needing help - and it's not as if they haven't got help, it's just that they want to co-opt the despised DIL as well.

(For the avoidance of doubt, I'm not being sarcastic. I agree 100% with the replies to date, i.e. support your DH if he wants/needs but not his unpleasant parents directly, and his siblings can push off 'n' all. But there's always at least one who seems to think "but they're old" is an answer to everything! It really isn't.)

YANBU your only role in all this is to support your dh. I would have blocked the siblings as well.

YANBU.
The siblings can step up. People who don't like you have no right to expect anything of you.

As for your cheeky-arse friend... I think the one reevaluating that friendship should be you!

heldinadream · Today 19:07

Are the siblings male, by any chance?

I wondered this.

Your DH is happy, that's all that counts

Edited to say, all that counts in this situation. No one should be pressured to become carers for anyone

Your dh and his siblings should be dealing with the clearance.
I don’t understand the pressure on you irrespective of the past.

Your dh is on board so …….. job done

Good for you - and glad your DH is on board too

The fact that your husband, the person who has seen everything first hand, backs you - this says to me everything you need to know. If, having supported you this far, he then turns and asks for help, fair play I would help him because I’d be doing it for HIM. Nobody else.
And given he’s backed you this far, you can safely say your DH will not ask any help from you, unless or until he gets desperate.

The SIL’s can foxtrot Oscar.
And I did chuckle at the GP working 4 days but wanting you to take unpaid leave. What are they doing with the other 3 they have each week!?

Keep them blocked, for your own sanity.

Stay well clear. Also, if you did help in any way, with this type of scenario no good deed goes unpunished.
The next stage is when you get accused of stealing things from the home to benefit from.
So many people get pulled into these situations and it often does not end well.
Bless your DH it’s an awful task but they are his parents. And they sound absolutely awful!

Re-evaluating your friendship? 😂😂 tell her not to worry, the friendship is terminated.

Jeez I don't know how those friends think your AIBU..why on earth would you bend over backwards and spin more plates to people that don't even like you? 😂😂 that's crazy.

Can't believe the cheek of their own children refusing and trying to force you into it, with the your jobs not as important card 😂 good grief. I couldn't imagine being that entitledly cheeky enough to even think it.
Tell the GP not to worry she/he can get a doctors note :)

What are the gender of DH’s two siblings? I have a horrible feeling that they are both male and thus expect you to be doing all the caring duties of their parents due to you being female??

regardless of anyone’s gender - the three children of your in-laws should be doing all the work involved in their downsizing and care…… and then if their jobs are “too important” then they should be paying for the help needed.

You have very reasonable attitude. I find his siblings attitudes really commanding to you and thinking you owe them something. Let them take unpaid leave and come back to the UK

YANBU!! Your DH and his siblings can deal with his parents. Not your job. If you had a good relationship with them I'm sure you would have helped them. They can pay someone to help them if they are too busy. You reap what you saw...

YANBU - the siblings sound very much like your in-laws and expect you to revolve your life around this family. Assume the one living abroad is not coming over to help them out so no reason for you to. They are just all bullies.

great your DH has your back here.

Good for you. You see women on here ALL the time being absolutely shit on by the their inlaws and just taking it. It's nice to see someone actually refusing and blocking and not having it. They are reaping what they've sown. The siblings can all group together and pay for someone to go through it all and organise/skip it all. Not your problem.

Thank you for the replies so far. My DH is lovely, he has always supported me with regards to them.

He is helping them a lot and I am picking up the slack at home (we share the housework load 50/50 usually). He has spent the whole weekend sorting through their stuff and has taken 4 car loads of stuff to the Charity shop / tip since Friday. The inlaws live 3 hours away and he has just got home completely knackered.

The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either. The abroad one is regularly back in the UK for consultancy work and to see their children who study over here.

There's always one.

Congrats @Splendud on a unanimous AIBU