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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/01/2025 19:46

QuimCarrey · 26/01/2025 19:45

There's always one.

Show quote history

Yep.

laraitopbanana · 26/01/2025 19:47

Nope.

Well done!

you can be awful to others and you know what? That will come back and bite your ass. You weren’t good enough for your husband and now you still aren’t good enough to rest and be left alone…no, it is your job to take care of what others much more important than you don’t want to do.

let them all blocked. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If they ever apologize…thanks for this and no, still not helping for now because you are busy.

Good luck 🌺

HellofromJohnCraven · 26/01/2025 19:47

Sod that.
Tackling my parents in laws house was tough. And they adored me, me them and dh had 3 siblings all willing to help.
I have sibs in law who are hoarders
Me and dh are the youngest by a decade. I am clear that the only help they will get is a phone call to a specialist house clearing and cleaning team.
My dmum has already done her death cleaning!

Pipsquiggle · 26/01/2025 19:47

Your stance sounds reasonable to me.

Re. The house clearance, DH's parents should take what they need and items that they want that can fit in their new gaff.

The siblings should then take what they would like, then get a house clearance company in if it's that much stuff.

WorkWorry0 · 26/01/2025 19:48

Good for you!

I’m really impressed with your clear-headed thinking. Stick to your guns.

FoxtonFoxton · 26/01/2025 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You can be old, vulnerable and a massive cunt. Becoming frail doesn't mean you suddenly get a free pass for all the shit you've dealt out when you were younger. They have three children who can deal with their overcrowded house.

TheGlitterFairy · 26/01/2025 19:50

Yeah f*ck that. I wouldn’t be helping them in your position either. Not your monkeys not your circus. Your friend doesn’t sound v friendly so bugger them too

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/01/2025 19:50

YANBU

alittlebitonthego · 26/01/2025 19:50

Well done Op, stick to your guns!💐

And your friend is not a real friend sadly. How dare she try to guilt you by threatening to withdraw her friendship! That is not what friends do ever.

Smallsalt · 26/01/2025 19:51

I would re evaluate the "friend" right out of my life. It's non of her business.

The inlaws have made their bed. The had 3 decades to change their attitude and didn't.

JLou08 · 26/01/2025 19:51

Is the GP going to cover your losses from unpaid leave? They are CF. You are not being unreasonable.
Maybe the way you are framing it is what is upsetting your friends, it sounds a bit like taking your revenge on someone when they are at their most vulnerable but you have a full time job and a health condition and they have 3 children to help them, so you would be putting strain on yourself to help someone who never helped you and has other people who can step up for them.

graffittimonkey · 26/01/2025 19:51

You are already helping by picking up the slack at home while your DH is with his parents.

Your BIL & SIL are complete hypocrites doing nothing and expecting you to pitch in 🙄

And your friend is quite bizarre expecting you to do the traditional woman's caring role when 1) you have a FT job, 2) you have a health condition you need to consider & 3) you PIL have been so hostile to you for all these years.

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 26/01/2025 19:52

You sound amazing OP with all the work you do. Thank goodness you have a supportive husband who doesn't burden you with your in-laws ridiculous expectations! Carry on as you are and shame on your friend who is judging you.

NotsosunnyShropshire · 26/01/2025 19:53

YANBU

As a previous poster stated, they are now reaping what they sowed. Block them all and leave your DH to deal with them.

ScribblingPixie · 26/01/2025 19:54

IMO the siblings should be sharing the load - and if the other two aren't they should be paying for eg cleaning after your DH has sorted out belongings. Your only job is to support your DH - his understanding of your situation is terrific but make sure he's not getting too stressed himself, OP.

BentleybooandHuntertoo · 26/01/2025 19:54

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, please stick to your guns on this , they have treated you appalling!

WomenInConstruction · 26/01/2025 19:54

Your position is entirely reasonable and understandable to anyone.
Their other adult children are pressuring you for their own selfish reasons I expect, given how obvious your choice is, so maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree in terms of attitudes there.
Your DH sounds great.

Carry on.

TheBluntTurtle · 26/01/2025 19:54

YANBU OP. Your PIL have treated you terribly, and now your BIL and SIL too. Why on earth should you and your DH loose out financially because his siblings can’t be arsed to help their parents (and also professionally as often work isn’t covered when folk are off so any non urgent work will mount up whilst you’re off).
and why do your PILs want someone who they activate dislike going through their things?!

pizzaHeart · 26/01/2025 19:55

Tbh even if they were good to you I wouldn’t expect you to help a lot because of your other responsibilities and health issues and because it’s usually children’s responsibility to go through stuff and papers. As you said you picked up some slack at home due to your DH being busy with this so you did more than enough.
however as in-laws never accepted you into the family ….you overdid your duties ten times already.

Sorry about your friend. It was very stupid and unreasonable of her.
I’d love to be a friend with a person like you - who has self respect and doesn’t allow others to walk over them.

Gloriia · 26/01/2025 19:57

I understand your dh supports your decision but even so, if it were me I'd do an occasional 3hr trip and help my dh. I wouldn't care about the pils but would be happy to assist my dh with tip runs and charity shop runs.

SinnerBoy · 26/01/2025 19:57

God, this is next level lazy arrogance! Who the Hell do they think they are to outsource their parents' care to you, for them to expect you to lose pay to do it?

I definitely agree that you should point out to the GP that they have 3 days a week to do it. And that the pair of them can take unpaid leave, if if worries them so much.

Are they aware of how nasty their parents have been to you?

Fraaances · 26/01/2025 19:58

They can fuck right off! How dare the siblings and FIL tell you what to do with your time! They’re announcing that their time is more valuable than yours. (Women’s work). You’ve had nearly 30 years of hostility from them. If you did hang around and help, I can’t imagine they’d be any nicer either. You’d do everything wrong anyway.

dontknowwhathappens · 26/01/2025 19:58

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

Actions have consequences, it’s been their choice to treat you like crap. And it’s your choice to not assist; you are not wishing them anything bad - just not to be involved….

Tell the siblings they need to crack on.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/01/2025 20:00

Actions have consequences I'm afraid. They need to understand that.

Buildingthefuture · 26/01/2025 20:01

Honestly? I probably would help in this situation. But, I was raised by people who really were not very nice and one of my earliest memories is thinking I don’t want to be like them. And, I’m not. And I’m proud of that. I do what feels right for me, irrespective of what anyone else has done. Having said that, I’m no pushover. The siblings would absolutely be told to fuck off and if it didn’t feel right to me to help the in laws? I wouldn’t. You do what feels right for you op.