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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
Wishboneswishes · 26/01/2025 19:19

It sounds like they have enough cash to organise carers, removals, packers etc. Why should you have to do it. Stick to your guns OP. They are not your parents anyway. The siblings need to step up.

Honeyroar · 26/01/2025 19:19

The apples haven’t fallen very far from the tree, have they! They sound just as up themselves as their parents! I don’t blame you for blocking them all, but I’ve. no idea why your friend is so judgey. Tell her to go and do some clearing if she’s such a saint!

Anotherparkingthread · 26/01/2025 19:20

Those siblings are shouldering off their responsibilities and with it their own guilt onto you. It's not your job to make them feel better about being useless and neglecting their elderly parents.

You don't owe any of them shit. Good on you for blocking them. Don't give it a second thought.

BeaAndBen · 26/01/2025 19:20

Good for you! It's not your circus, not your monkeys.

If the Abroad Sibling and GP Sibling are that bloody bothered, they can pay for a declutter or house clearance company to deal with it all.

StormingNorman · 26/01/2025 19:20

You reap what you sow. YANBU.

Itiswhysofew · 26/01/2025 19:23

Re-evalating your friendship! Who does she think she is?

YANBU.

It's amazing how people choose to ignore bad behaviour/abuse over the years. However, when these people can't be bothered to pull their weight, they expect the abused to step up, and think that that's perfectly ok. Don't do it and don't listen to them. As for your FIL, he needs to be reminded of his attitude towards you over the years.

I'm glad your DH is supporting your position. I wouldn't give them the time of day either.

JC03745 · 26/01/2025 19:23

Are the siblings partners helping too?
You are doing the right thing OP.

Your 'so called' friends though, I'd be re-evaluating that relationship!

thepariscrimefiles · 26/01/2025 19:23

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your DH's siblings are cheeky fuckers to expect you to drop everything to care for people who have never accepted you and who have treated you dreadfully. How dare his sibling who is a doctor tell you to take unpaid leave to look after your inlaws as your job isn't important. I'd tell them all to fuck off.

Tallyrand · 26/01/2025 19:23

It's very strange the burden of care almost always gets forced on to the females of the family, even if they are in-laws.

I love both my PILs dearly and when they are older yes I will help in practical terms. I will move furniture and set up their TVs or whatever. But I won't be doing any personal care. That will fall to my wife and her sister. I'll happily pay towards that care if it needs to be outsourced.

I do not expect my wife to do anything for my mother when the time comes. I have 3 siblings, all within an hour of home so we will sort it out between us.

OP in your situation I would say YANBU. Just drop the rope, tell your DH it's up to him and his siblings to sort it like every other family does. I'd be livid if my in laws were sending me demanding texts while they sat on their arse. Its a hard no from me.

xyz111 · 26/01/2025 19:24

Thank goodness your DH supports you. Good for you sticking to your guns in not helping. If the GP works 4 days, they have 3 days a week to help.

Volumedelachanel · 26/01/2025 19:25

One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.
meaning she thinks you're not as socialised to be a people pleaser or a door mat as she had thought. Good! well done for blocking the lot of them, they reap as had sown.

ManchesterPie · 26/01/2025 19:25

Your friends are not great supports are they? Well done for blocking the CFs.

Apologiesbut · 26/01/2025 19:25

I won’t be helping my inlaws if they outlive me as who knows , most not-good people live longer in my experience. They have never done anything remotely helpful, in fact the total opposite! One is a raging , aggressive alcoholic and regularly caused problems for us … yup even when we had 3 dcs under 6 they expected us to wait on them hand and foot and actually causes work -both of them.. they peed the bed , broke things in our house all while we had small kids to look after … yes really.
One gave us money for a house deposit and made a big show of how they were doing it and proceeded to ask for it all back putting us under huge financial strain when we were bringing up young kids , we paid it all back in full but they still had their moment of telling everyone they had “given it to us”… they never told anyone that they got it all paid back!
They have been nothing but work and antagonism over the years and I’ve distanced myself from them . I hate when people judge others for not helping out older parents, they have no idea what might have happened in our or others lives… like do other people not get that.

BilboBlaggin · 26/01/2025 19:25

What a bloody cheek! Maybe the one abroad could take some weeks unpaid and come over to help. Has the GP offered up their spouse to help too?

Well done for blocking the cheeky fuckers. I'd probably save the 'friend' the dilemma and cut them off too. How dare they think you should be helping when the ILs have never liked you and you have such a busy life (not to mention they aren't your parents!)

Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/01/2025 19:25

Definitely NOT being unreasonable, and I'm glad your DH is fully backing you!

Moonshine5 · 26/01/2025 19:26

Even if you were a SAHM you don't owe these people anything. And if your friend can't tolerate people without judging them what kind of friend is she. Take a deep breath, you are good.

Tisthedamnseason · 26/01/2025 19:26

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'.

Cheeky gits. I cannot imagine texting my SIL to ask this!

Does the GP sibling have a spouse? Are they male..?

Vaxtable · 26/01/2025 19:27

Your husband understands why and that’s the most important

there is no reason the one who lives abroad can’t take leave, including unpaid, to help

There is no reason the GP can’t help there are 7 days in a week and they work 4. What about the GPs partner? Or the partner if the one who lived abroad. Maybe your husband can challenge them

As to your friend I would simply go back and say they don’t have the full story, but if they feel they can’t be friends with you then that’s their choice and I would block them. You don’t need friends like her either

thepariscrimefiles · 26/01/2025 19:27

I'm not sure why your friends are so judgemental. Surely they know how awful your in-laws have been to you? You have an important and responsible job so why on earth would they agree with DH's siblings that you are the one who should take unpaid leave to care for people who have never cared for you?

I'd take a step back from them.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 26/01/2025 19:27

yanbu

IDontLikePinaColadas · 26/01/2025 19:28

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

olympicsrock · 26/01/2025 19:29

They are utter cheeky fuckers. Your PIL and THEIR children need to sort this , no one else.

How dare they try and guilt trip you for their own self of self importance.

venusandmars · 26/01/2025 19:29

I don't think it is about 'reaping what you sow'. Ignore how your PILs treated you, that's neither here nor there.

The bottom line is that they have dc, and it is their dc's responsibility to work out the balanced of care between them. Your responsibility is to support and love and care for your dh. If he has a greater load at times then you may have do more at home in your own family.

Perhaps you have particular skills - cooking, therapy, a professional knowledge of some aspect of care - and you may choose to offer this to support the wider family. But you CHOOSE to offer this as an addition. However valuable your skill is your dh's family cannot commandeer your time.

smooththecat · 26/01/2025 19:29

Would they be pressuring you this way if you were male?

ElfAndSafetyBored · 26/01/2025 19:30

You are not being unreasonable and if I were you I would re-evaluate your friendship with that friend.