To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

Your husband understands why you shouldn't become a carer for people who dislike you and have their own 3 children to help
So ignore everyone else

YANBU, stick to your guns. I would usually say rise above it especially to support your husband. Seeing as he understands your reasons, I’d carry on doing what you’re doing.

Can’t understand how anyone cannot relate to your decision.

Reap what you sow, and all that.

Good for you, btw. It’s selfish to not deal with your shit when you can and then have to leave it up to everyone else.

Your only responsibility in this scenario is to support your husband as he supports them because it isn’t easy. Fuck would I be helping anyone who doesn’t like me, hasn’t accepted me or anyone entitled enough to be sending me ‘chores’ to do.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. In the past I’ve had to sort out my grandmothers house/estate and then my dads. My dh got on with my relatives perfectly well but I didn’t expect him to help. Me and my brother sorted it and yes that meant taking time off work (annual leave). The gp daughter does get annual leave and can use some of it, your dh can obviously help and even the abroad brother can fly back…..he must have realised when he moved abroad at some point this might be necessary.

Or you find some sort of packing company to help and pay them, either the parents pay and/or all the siblings chip in. But if they’re downsizing hopefully there’s some money for this.

Are the siblings male, by any chance?

Anyway whether they are or not, YADNBU, @Splendud .
I like the bit about you being a trustee on 2 charities yet your 'friend' somehow thinks you should have the time, energy and inclination to run around after people who've never been pleasant to you. Is she an advocate of performative doormattery?

Your SIL/BILs have absolutely no right to be texting you demands, I'd have blocked too. As for your friend, if she's so bothered tell her they're accepting any offers of help.

Fuck that. YANBU.

I’m genuinely infuriated on your behalf. You would be unreasonable if you DID help them after their shitty attitude towards you! Don’t you dare give in. I suggest your husband’s siblings pull their fingers out and assist their darling parents in their time of need.

YANBU and that friend is no loss. I had a friendship of nearly 40 years come to an end because of something they said.

Why should you do any of this and all that matters is your husband supports you. You don't need the families permission.

Good on you and what a fab DH you have!

Reply to the GP sibling ‘OR, you could cut your hours and take leave to help YOUR parents?’

Reply to the abroad sibling ‘OR, you could get your arse back home and help YOUR parents’

Reply to your father in law ‘Why on earth do you want me to visit when you eh e always made it clear how much your dislike
me?!’

Your friend is a judgemental c**t who needs to mind her own business, as does everyone else who isn't your husband.

Even if they had been lovely in-laws this is not your responsibility @Splendud.

You are totally in your rights, and if your husband supports you in this as well it's a no-brainer.

Good on you for setting a boundary and sticking to it.

YANBU!!
I agree with pp in supporting your DH, even if that means just “being there” for him when he gets back, letting him vent about the endless crap he’ll find in their house.
But f* them in-laws for not accepting you all these years until they need you? Urgh, shitty people.

YANBU. Stick to your guns. It's not your problem and it's good to hear your DH is supporting you.

On a side note I've seen so many older people in complete denial about the ageing process and leaving it so late to downsize that they can't do it without help. I'm really determined not to put myself and my DC in that situation.

Good on you, OP

Your DH's siblings are trying to guilt you so they don't have to put themselves out.

Blocking is a good move!

Why aren't these people bothering your husband to step in? You know, since they are HIS parents?

I get that he's been supportive of you in the face of their unfriendliness and hostility. It's good that he doesn't expect you to care for his parents. But will he do it himself? What's his plan? I say this because men often seem oblivious of social expectations that are directed a lot more obviously at women.

I think this is telling you that you need to share a lot less of your life with this particular friend. And YANBU. I'd do the same.

Fuck them. They treated you with contempt for decades

YANBU & glad to hear your DH is supporting you.

Keep "em all blocked!!

The siblings are completely out of line. Outside of this do you have a poor relationship with them? It sounds as if they view you the same way as the parents.

Having had to help clear FILs house it's a huge task. You will get the blame if the "wrong" thing is thrown out.

And the expectations on the partners of the other siblings are…?

I suspect you are being picked on because you are a) female and b) local. Sod that. And well done to your DH for seeing it.

If your friends are that bothered about the situation maybe they'd like to help!

Go you! Keep those strong boundaries and leave them all blocked.

Good for you.

From what you say your husband has had your back for the past 29 years and still has your back during these new circumstances.

As long as you now have his back and support and enable him to do what he has to do to get them sorted out, that's fine.