To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I have similar in laws, and I will not be lifting a finger. Carry on as you are YANBU

Can they afford to pay for help? I'm pretty sure there are people who will organise things. Wouldn't that be easier for everyone?

I absolutely understand you not wanting to help them on the other hand I would probably want to help DH if I had the time/energy.

Just seen your update, you are helping DH by taking up the slack at home so that seems a good middle way, you are helping him but on your terms.

Seems odd that the siblings partners aren't expected to help. Maybe your husband could ask why you are being singled out.

Good for you OP. Save your ex friend a job and tell her she’s no longer in your life.

Exactly

Of course YNBU. In the circumstances it would be good to take on a bit more of the load at home so that your husband has the bandwidth to get this done, which is still you helping. The difference is you're supporting your husband of 3 decades and not this miserable pair.

As for the GP sibling; I also have a senior role and married into a medical family. Medics are honestly so insulated I don't think they can really grasp other professions also involve a degree of required hours over the 9-5 and real world responsibility. Let them believe it if they want to, it doesn't change things.

It sounds like the two siblings are trying to pass the responsibility on to you. So they don't have to feel guilty for being useless at helping.
You don't owe any of them anything.
And you sound busy enough .
Not that you have to justify why you are not getting involved.

No.
Fuck them.
They can enjoy now the consequences of treating you like shit for decades

Abroad sibling can take a bit of leave and fly over for a week, and during that week the four day a week working gp can chip in with three days .

Cheering you for blocking the siblings, cheeky fuckers! I’m afraid bar two flying visits where I basically chucked out bags full of my dad’s stuff, mum was left alone to clear out 35 years of stuff when she downsized. I live 5 hours away and work full time, what was I supposed to do?

I absolutely agree that you owe the in-laws fuck all. Why can’t the grandkids help, assuming they’re adults?

One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

That is not a friend. I'm shocked the siblings and FIL have the audacity to think you should even be involved. They're massive CF's - don't feel guilty.

OMG. These people are insane. You have a senior and demanding job and you are also a trustee and I know how much work that is.
And the 4 day a week GP wants you to do more for THEIR parent?
Fuck. That. Shit
So glad your DH is supporting you. These people are mental though. What do they think you are , their dogsbody?

YANBU.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

Your 'friend' doesn't sound like a true one - don't give it a second thought.

The OP states she has blocked the lot of them.

YANBU at all @Splendud
Why should you help a couple who have consistently been awful to you and made no effort at all to welcome you into their family? You reap what you sow. The siblings sound awful too. Luckily, your DH sounds lovely and very loyal.
The most sensible option would be for your in laws to pay a firm to do a clearance and pack up their things. It sounds as if they were encouraged to downsize for many years when they were younger and fitter but they didn't listen nor start to reduce their possessions and now they expect to have it all sorted out for them. This behaviour in itself is selfish and entitled, never mind expecting you to do everything when they have always been horrible.

Not unreasonable at all.

I won't be dealing with my inlaws either. DH is an adult, he's more than capable of dealing with all the things his aging parents might require.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your husband supports you. His siblings can sod off.

No....they all can take leave and the gp has 3 days a week spare....do they have partners?

It can become slighty more complicated when they become very very old.
I have been through this 4 times. The old person did not take responsibility and plan. We ( women) are expected to step up.

Trouble is, we are also old.

istheheatingonyet · Today 20:43

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · Today 20:25
No.
Fuck them.
They can enjoy now the consequences of treating you like shit for decades

It can become slighty more complicated when they become very very old.
I have been through this 4 times. The old person did not take responsibility and plan. We ( women) are expected to step up.
Trouble is, we are also old

why? People can “expect” whatever they like. I shan’t be caring for elderly relatives.

“His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'”

Why should you be as involved as they are - they’re not your parents!? This would be a piss take of an attitude in itself, but saying this to someone who doesn’t have a relationship with them beggars belief! . I assume these siblings know how your PIL have been with you through the years?

As for suggesting you take unpaid leave, what an absolute joke! I think I’d be tempted to reply with a swift ‘Absolutely the fuck not’

Seems odd that the siblings partners aren't expected to help. Maybe your husband could ask why you are being singled out.

That's what leapt out to me, too. Why does GP sibling expect you to help when their partner isn't helping?

I hope your DH is asking that.

No one is under an obligation to 'step up' to help out older people who have been horrible to them for 30 years, despite being married to their son and the mother of their grandchildren. If older people don't take responsibility for their own affairs and make some plans, that is no one else's fault or responsibility (barring illness, etc). They can pay a company to organise their affairs instead. Absolutely no reason why those with two X chromosomes should be the ones to step up either.

They are bullies.

One lives abroad and the other thinks they are too important to help.

I’d be sending them a message saying; YOUR parents are YOUR responsibility. It’s up to you to sort out, not me. As you’ve demonstrated to me over the years, I’m not family. Bye.

Text to tell your BIL/SIL these are not your parents and please direct their request for help to the appropriate person, their brother. Then block them. Your friend is being unnecessarily harsh, does she have some sort of daddy/mummy issues and in turn projecting them on your situation?

It is baffling isn't it. I can't get my head round it, I'd love to know their reasoning.