To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

"I wouldn't want to impose myself on people who have made it clear that they don't like my company. That would just be unkind given their frailty.

They will be much happier when their own children are there, much more comfortable for them"

No, not really suggesting you send that. But a nice moment's fantasy :D

Stick to your guns. As for your "friend" I would be reevaluating my friendship with her. Don't be a doormat. Your husband supports you. They aren't your parents. When you FIL calls explain why you are choosing not to help.

Bloody hell, his parents sound awful! The fact that your DH supports you in this is actually quite telling and so the other siblings should really back off and your friends are in the wrong here! I would just ignore everybody, continue to block them all and get on with your life. They are not considering the impact that 29 years of this unpleasant behaviour has had on you.

Isn't it always the way that other people think they know better, know your life and think they can tell you what to do?

Of course his siblings want you to step up, they then don't have to. As for your friend does she fancy doing it then? She will have heard about their treatment of you and yet still expects you to step up because they are old. She's no loss.

I cleared my DGMs house with two members of my family and it took us every Saturday, every bank holiday for a year. It's a huge job on top of us all working full time. Of course other members of my family thought they knew better but not one of them came to help. At least members of my family didn't say their jobs were more important than mine!

No. Stick to your guns. You cannot treat people badly and then expect them to be there when you want them.

I'm anxious with too much stuff (I still have too much stuff) and that experience has taught me to sort out and get rid so my DS doesn't have to.

OP, in your shoes I would be doing the same. I’d be blocking judgey friends as well.

It’s been said before but it’s true, you reap what you sow.

If they had helped and welcomed you, you would have not hesitated to help them now. What goes around comes around. Stick to your guns.

Hi @Splendud whst happened with this? Hope you stuck to your guns

What they said. With bells on.