To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

Honestly? I probably would help in this situation.

Do you work 8.00 - 6.30pm every day and have 100+ people reporting in to you?

Are you a trustee for two charities?

Do you have a long term health condition?

Are you picking up all the housework slack at home whilst your husband helps your PIL?

Thankfully you have a proper husband who can stand up to his own family.

This is the present consequence of their treatment of you over the years. If they really are so dreadful to you, it's understandable. I don't know what the relationships are like between you and his siblings on a personal level, but it feels wrong they are bombarding you - why not your DH? I'd refer commands/etc to him.

It is genuinely possible to be abused by all or most of your DH's family, this is defo a thing. And they've been consistently horrible to you. So if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Supported by your DH, which is the dream. Great husband. Well done.

@Splendud let your friend re evaluate the friendship . Why because she doesn’t like the fact you have respect for yourself aren’t a walk over and have set boundaries. .?
Really? Maybe you should be the one having a think about the friendship

Agree with PPs that they absolutely aren’t your issue to sort. Carry on as you are, polite and distant.

DH is unfortunately an only child, his mother has done nothing for him since he was 16. She’s babysat maybe 3 or 4 times since we had DC 10 years ago. She’s very busy working through her bucket list experiences 😂 Over Christmas she overheard me calling one of our neighbours selfish for not using home help or meals on wheels and making her 4 kids do the running about and do elder care. MIL pipes up “so that’s what I can look forward to is it??”. I kind of laughed. What the actual fuck is she expecting of us in future…I’m doing nothing and DH will likely be too busy!!

Most people ditch old car stuff when they get a new one. You file the new V5 and ditch the old one at the same time.

Same with insurance certs for house and cars file the new one bin the old.

Keeping hold of paperwork is venturing into hoarding tendencies. I bet they have tons of pay slips too

If you were a man do you think anyone would expect you to take leave or do anything in this situation? support your husband obviously but beyond that it’s not your responsibility. Why do two of your friends think you are unreasonable? What have you said to make them think that?

Your reasons are completely valid. I’d be re-evaluating any relationship with any “friends” who would try and take the moral high ground and emotionally manipulate you into helping people who have disrespected you and bullied you for three decades. Emotionally support your husband and take care of him. Block anyone else because they don’t have your best interests or wellbeing at heart. These “friends” aren’t your friends.

Remind them that they can always hire someone to downsize the house. There are companies that do this.

I admire you , and I like the sound of your husband .
You can ' do your bit ' by supporting your husband at home and taking up a bit of slack there . Well done both .

But you are helping by supporting your DH
His siblings sound like self important who expect everyone to run around doing their bidding. Sorry to be harsh but I have siblings like this, and one is a part-time GP too.
Feeling for you OP and well done for blocking them.

If your husband's sibs won't do their bit they need to pay for decluttering. They can afford it if they have professional jobs and the family home is large.

I cared for both my parents but I wouldn't have offered for my husband's parents. We were both one of four and the relevant children stepped up.
Also get your DH to book a local auction house to come in. They won't be able to take everything.

It does pee me off that women get stuffed with these tasks. If you cared for your own parents then I'd say just that to any criticism. Your friend is being silly. You're not a bad person just a busy one.

His siblings could have done more at the time maybe to make his parents see how unfairly they were treating you.

It doesn't matter whether you have a team of a million or sat at home with nothing to do but crochet.

It's not your problem and it's a disgrace and embarrassing that his siblings are trying to foist their own parents into you.

Aaah, so now they need you.

Treating you like shit all these years has bitten them on the arse, hasn't it.

YANBU, and we'll done for standing up for yourself. You don't need friends that think you should be a doormat.

Your contribution is supporting your husband and allowing him the space to help them. You aren’t obliged to do anything more. Block the sil and bil

No you are Not!
They are giving you shit because they feel guilty they aren’t stepping up. It’s Not your fucking job! They didn’t even like you!
Just block them all.
Why isn’t your husband being bombardec with these messages?? They are his parents. That’s very old school sexist. Emotional labour being placed on a woman to step up to the caring role!
Personally … I would be ‘re evaluating my ‘friendship’ with the judgy twat who’s trying to make you feel guilty about rightly standing your ground. Sounds like she’s part of the patriarchy too.
Well done you!
We need more women like you to change the narrative !

I know of another couple who have a similar situation, but the problem is when the ML FL pass away how their will will be written up will there son be left out because of you?

You’re right. Fuck them.

I think you’re absolutely reasonable.
These elderly PIL ought to have downsized years ago .
Why on earth do they have so much clutter ?!
It is what it is , so the 3 adult children need to sort it all out along with the elderly parents .
You can be supportive to your husband without de cluttering and clearing the parents house .
My sister and myself sorted my mums little place when she needed to go into a care home.
We removed all important documents, jewellery to a safe place in our own homes and photos + whatever mum wanted with her in her room at the care home went with her .
Anothe close relative took a few things that were left behind ( with permission) the rest a house clearance firm removed before the house sale completed .

They sound like a family of CFs (except your DH) I’d just ignore. I would encourage your DH to outsource much of this, they can pay people to do this stuff, he shouldn’t have to do all this crap for parents who’ve been rubbish to his wife

I'm with you on this one. They're not your parents. They haven't been particularly warm towards you and you are way too busy with your job and other commitments and the fact that your husband supports you reinfirces that YANBU

I would tell the re-evaluating friend to fuck right off!
you reap what you sew! They have 3 kids let them sort it that’s their job.

You are not being unreasonable in your decision and it is great that your DH is supporting you in this. GP siblings is talking out of their arse too.

Your in-laws don't sound like they are short of money so why can't they employ someone to help clear out their crap?

YANBU

Really glad you have a supportive husband.
My jaw almost hit the floor when you replied siblings partners are also doing sweet FA. You’ve made the right choice and the ‘friend’ whose reevaluating sounds frankly odd!

I’m sorry OP but fuck that, no way would I be helping either. You aren’t a doormat. The siblings can do one and so can the in-laws. DH’s problem and glad he is supporting you. People have some cheek don’t they.

You're not!
Tell them to f**f off.