To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

If you’re taking up the slack while your DH is supporting them then you ARE helping, just not directly.

What are the spouses of your DH's siblings doing to help their PIL?

If DH is helping his parents and you are enabling him to do so, that is your contribution.

DH's siblings are being totally U expecting you to take unpaid leave to care for their parents.

This ^

So WHY do the siblings think you should help when they don’t expect their own partners to help?

Have they ever accepted you into the family?

Its nice when the chickens come home to roost.

Yanbu OP. Stick to your guns and tell your "friend" not to worry about taking time to re-evaluate the friendship as you're not interested. Alternatively just fade her out regardless.

"His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more."
His siblings can just fuck off.

"... and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend."
As with the siblings, so with the father.

"I have blocked them all tonight."
Well done!

"Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this."
They are both wrong. And the one threatening a huff needs to get the stick out of her arse. I'd be re-evaluating her worth.

Your husband's parents are simply reaping what they sowed.

Even if you had a fab relationship with them, I would say it is their own children's responsibility to sort them out at this stage of life, so while it would be a massive bonus to them if you were willing to help out, it should in no way be expected.

I'm surprised at your friends though, are they privvy to more information that would make them react that way, surely if they know you and know your relationship with them, none of this should be a shock to them, so their response seems a bit extreme to say the least.

Why do you think they've reacted that way?

Your friends are what bother me. Your husband sees things for what they are…your friends? Not so much.

This. I really feel for you. Stay strong!!

I make you in the right OP and good on your husband for standing with you on this!

@Tarantella6 "It would be nice if you took on some more of the load in your house, to support your DH while he sorts out his parents."

I hope you didn't mean that to sound so patronising.

Wow, yanbu at all. The sibling who lives abroad is particularly cheeky to expect you (who their parents never accepted) to put in work when they’re not there to do anything themselves. Glad your husband backs you up, ignore them all.

Good riddance to this “friend”

I'm quite sure we all know it's not just about the parents-in-law.

This doesn't make much sense.....

Everyone is applauding the fact that OP is refusing to help.

Seriously, what makes you think your opinion is unpopular?

I didn't read it, btw.

You are doing the right thing.
Can your PIL's grand children help your DH.
Your husband seems to want to help out.
He will have it cleared out soon enough.

He should also be the only one to respond to his siblings' unfair requests of you.
Ignore the PIL.

Once cleared out suggest that your DH ask his siblings to pay for a professional cleaner to finish off the job before the house is put onto the market.

I hope the GP son has Medical Power of Attorney for his parents.

They all seem like self centred asshats

A zucchini bake?

That's fucking random 😂🤣😂🤣

Expectations do not translate into obligations.

@user1492757084

OP hasn't said whether the GP is her husband's brother or his sister.

I bet the friend who 'has never seen this side of you' wishes they had your strength and is secretly jealous ...the answer to them is "that sounds like a you problem" (as my kids love to say.)

This! Well done you! @Splendud anyone with a teaspoon with common sense will support you. Well done on your years of true grit! Most importantly your DH supports you. What the other two want is you to do unpaid care to safeguard their inheritance. That’s all it is. Frankly you’re completely within your rights to tell them to go hang themselves or better: take unpaid leave… come back to the UK and take care of mummy.

Omg, the absolute nerve of the GP sibling to tell you to take unpaid leave from your job!! It's THEIR parent! Why don't THEY take unpaid leave?

About the going to help, could you just go on the occasional weekend? You don't have to be all-in or nothing.

The fact that your DH understands says it all really. You do you - and presumably you're supporting him.

It's interesting when you discover a judgmental friend. It's a shame for you both that they've taken this position but I think you have to leave them to their judgment and get on with your life.

I meant it completely literally. It would be a nice thing to do. But I don't think there is any obligation.

I used nice rather than reasonable / expected / logical - because it's none of those things.