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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
Judecb · 27/01/2025 17:48

The sibling who lives abroad and has presumably shirked responsibility for years needs to come back and help as does the GP. Their parents have treated you badly for nearly 30 years, there's absolutely no way you should help them.

Festivespirit85 · 27/01/2025 17:53

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I wouldn't help them either. Things have a habit of coming back round on you, as they are finding out now. Well done for standing your ground. And good on your hubby for backing you, and rightly so.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 27/01/2025 17:54

It seems the siblings don't fall far from the tree then. Sounds like your dh is the only nice one amongst them.

I was going to say that it's not your pil you'd be helping but your dh, but if he's happy with the decision then I'd tell his siblings to fuck right off.

rugbyman79 · 27/01/2025 17:56

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I'm assuming from your message that neither of the 2 siblings is married/has a partner and they don't have an offspring

If you think you'll get any sort of upside or payout from the inheritance then put in the effort

otherwise they can all go love themselves...

Minnie798 · 27/01/2025 18:00

Yanbu and your dh is supportive of your decision. His siblings have got a nerve haven’t they? Id only help out if I could see that my dh was struggling- he is clearly going to be doing it all himself. That would be for his benefit though, not theirs.

gingercat02 · 27/01/2025 18:10

Not your parents, not your problem, disregarding the fact they have been mean, you have enough to do. Good for your DH supporting you.

SuzieQ300 · 27/01/2025 18:14

So their children are trying to make you, not their child, look after their parents, at your expensive in both money and time? Ha ha ha ha ha ha, YANBU regardless of how you get on with their parents. If i were your friend I'd be telling you to tell them to f off and do THEIR duty. Some people are unbelievable!! Poor you, seriously. Do not feel guilty for a moment!! I'm angry for you!

NeptuneOrion · 27/01/2025 18:21

The only help I would give in your situation is to your husband, especially if his siblings are likely to lean on him. But no you're not a horrid DIL.

CatsWhiskerz · 27/01/2025 18:26

The siblings are being CFs, think you should be doing their jobs for them! Also why haven't the in laws sorted themselves out prior to this?! I'd be suggesting the non helping siblings pay for professional help alongside your DH to help downsize and declutter their current stuff

restingbitchface30 · 27/01/2025 18:34

They’re now facing the consequences of their actions! Fuck em!

lozzaa · 27/01/2025 18:41

stick to your guns, the sibs are being totally unreasonable.
I recently helped a family in a similar situation. the daughters did not want to help clear the house as parents argued over every item.... plus work and distance, did not live local. At the time I was still training for my Clinical Hypnotherapy diploma, so while not directly related to my training.... I spent 3 hours a day with them. going through stuff, bin, pack, charity. PLUS discussing items, the process, the benefits to come..... this saved so many family conflicts and I got some fab practice for future clients.
There was such a lot to do, that I got another women in to help as well, took 3 months to do 5 bed house. There was no conflict within the family as I was able to discuss everything with each person and then they could talk things over more calmly too.
im not on here often, but this did call to me.

lemming40 · 27/01/2025 18:42

Well they had plenty of time to be nice to you. You reap what you sow.

Lyraloo · 27/01/2025 18:46

Wow the worst thing about all this, is your so called friend. I’d block her as well! I cannot believe she doesn’t understand why you feel like this.

my in laws were the same as this, they can’t change things now they need your help. Just ignore them all. I’m so pleased your dh sides with you.

Notsuchafattynow · 27/01/2025 18:46

I'm in a similar position.

And I'm doing exactly the same as you. Both my parents have died and I did everything for them, and it was a privilege.

You do the right thing to block.

Mikki77 · 27/01/2025 18:47

YANBU

However you in laws are, you husband's siblings are and you friend is. Ditch the lot of them.

WonderingOneOfAll · 27/01/2025 18:52

Help your parents if they still around
and
keep on living your life Good on you.

All the best 💐🌼

JustMeAndTheFish · 27/01/2025 18:57

I downsized my father a couple of years ago from a large 4 bed to a tiny retirement flat. It was hellish; a job more easily done when a LO has died. My brother has been NC for over 15 years so just me. I think you are being very sensible OP.

Lotsofsnacks · 27/01/2025 19:06

I’m fuming for you!! You have a demanding full time job stand firm OP, so why can’t GP sibling who works 4 days a week, not crack on and help the parents on those days?!! And why can’t GPs partner help?

Why should you help people who have been nasty to you from day 1?! YANBU.

Hwi · 27/01/2025 19:08

Fair is fair, if your dh is going to give up his inheritance in favour of a foreign sibling and a GP sibling, that no help from you, this is fair. If your husband is going to inherit, your husband has to help.

Horses7 · 27/01/2025 19:10

I’d do the same as you OP - don’t let them bully you. Stand your ground and ignore them.

campertess · 27/01/2025 19:14

The siblings are only pissed because they are not doing anything. Let the GP take leave, and the one abroad will just have to come home. Deep down they probably agree with you, but they are probably feeling guilty that they are doing nothing. Stick to your guns.

campertess · 27/01/2025 19:17

campertess · 27/01/2025 19:14

The siblings are only pissed because they are not doing anything. Let the GP take leave, and the one abroad will just have to come home. Deep down they probably agree with you, but they are probably feeling guilty that they are doing nothing. Stick to your guns.

Sorry, I missed the bit that said they are involved.

DiduAye · 27/01/2025 19:19

The fact your husband understands and supports the decision is all that matters His siblings and your so called friends can fuck off As for the one who is rethinking their relationship with you save them the trouble and cut them out of your life !

fetchacloth · 27/01/2025 19:23

Definitely YANBU and I'm glad your DH is supporting you, so he should.
If I was your DH I would be embarrassed by having such a dysfunctional family, particularly the shameful attitude of his siblings.

madisoncat · 27/01/2025 19:24

Having read all that you already do firstly I wonder where you'd get the time and energy from to help anyone else let alone your In-laws.

Secondly given how difficult the situation has been between you all these years I'd be very concerned about what I'd get blamed for and it sounds as if you couldn't do right for doing wrong so staying out of their move seems like a smart thing to do.

Rather than taking the line of 'They have been s*tty to me for 29 yrs so I'm not doing anything to help" YANBU by the way, I'm team they reap what they have sown.

Where DH's siblings and your (so called) friend are concerned I'd be going "Cracked Record" of "where do I get the time" "IF I took time off work do you think I could do right for doing wrong in MIL/FIL's eyes?" and "would you sibling/friend set yourself up for blame and condemnation?"

Good Luck however it works out and good on your DH for having your back.