To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

[Splendud]

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

Good on you, don’t unblock them. So refreshing to see a husband doing the right thing standing up for his wife when she’s been mistreated by his family.

Honestly though, the audacity of these bastards having any expectations of you helping out.

I bet the "friends" are reacting this way because in her friendship group, OP is always there when friends need help (probably more than vice versa), and now they're just horrified at the notion that she might ever say no to anyone. Friends can be weird when someone bucks the accepted dynamic between them (as anyone who's ever gone from being The Fat One to not fat will know well).

I agree with this.

There are few things that unsettle people (men and women) more than a woman who is not 'womaning' properly...

My DH and my parents think the world of each other and get on really well. They down-sized twice, and apart from one weekend of filling a skip, I didn’t expect my DH to help move them at all. Because they’re my parents not his (and I had more time).

Fuck doing that for someone who’s made it obvious for decades that they don’t like you. And great that your DH supports you. Your friends on the other hand - what on earth business do they think it is of theirs?? You support your friends you don’t judge them! You need better friends OP.

OP has said that she has taken on more of the load at home as her DH has been really busy helping his parents.

Definitely, especially when it comes to care duties that other people don't want to undertake.

Their junk, their problem. What about their grandchildren, can they help. They sound wealthy, they can hire help, who they can look down on. Might suit them.

This is something the in laws should have done themselves while they were able to.
Last year DH and I (70’s) downsized but spent months getting rid of ‘stuff’. Mostly sentimental items that meant nothing to anyone else. I took photos, gritted my teeth and got rid. I can’t stress how good it feels now it is done and I don’t have to think of other people (probably my kids) having to do it for me.
So… if you are getting on a bit seriously think about declutterring now while you can.

YANBU in the slightest.

You are keeping your family going and therefore freeing up DHs time to sort the house. There you go. Helping. Done.
Keep the cheeky bastards blocked & it's probably best your judgemental mate jogs on as she's clearly unsupportive.

Yanbu and your attitude is sensible, and so is your DH.

The siblings can go spin. They can take a few months off their jobs and deal with it if they wish. Or there are perfectly reasonable professional decluttering services that the ILs can pay for. They cannot commandeer your time.

The friend who is judging you - that's a shame but if her friendship was contingent on you having low self-esteem and ok to be used and abused by the ILs then its probably best to step back from that anyway.

You are most definitely NBU, OP. Good for you for putting your foot down, and great to hear that your DH is supporting you and defending you to his parents and siblings. How ridiculous that the brother thinks you should take unpaid leave to help out his parents! Just unbelievable!

BTW apparently we all need to start decluttering in our mid 40s, in order not to be overwhelmed in later life.

Paperwork going back to the 80s, that's 40 years ago, that's on them. Entitled.

Not a single person would have an issue with this if you were a man. Good on you. Stay out of it completely, and keep on keeping on.

fuck them

they all sound like Tories

You're doing what i wish more women would do, not bending over to be shafted in the name of 'being kind'.

You're supporting your DH to help his parents so you're doing your bit. And tbh, i imagine that even if you did down tools and give them the help his parents and siblings think you should you'd get scant thanks and just more and more demands heaped on you.

Your judgy friend is being a twat.

The one that lives abroad can use their holidays and come and do it.
the gp has 3 days off a week, I would absolutely not be doing it and your friend does not sound like much of a friend!

Stick to your guns OP, and if the siblings have a go at you again, get your DH to tell them that since your PIL have always made it clear they never liked you, it would not be appropriate for you to get involved.

This.

You reap what you sow. Your PILs are now finding this out. So, you're good enough to help them clear out your house, but you weren't good enough for them to be civil and welcoming to you? No. Good for you for having boundaries.

It's nice to read of a DH supporting his wife in these circumstances. Stick to your guns as he's got your back.

What hoes around comes around. I think you're in the right

What comes around goes around.....not in my experience, I flogged myself ro death and got written out of the will so no , not really.

So you’re fine with the OP being unfairly put upon if it’s done by Labour voters? Or just happy to make the thread about your politics rather than the OP’s question?

This is really not the thread for knee jerk political slogans.

I would cut off those two friends as well.

Please don't go back on it, don't do a thing you are absolutely in the right!