To want to go in my garden without my neighbours being intrusive

[RandomMess]

As soon as the neighbours spot either of us put in either our front or back garden they mysteriously need to come outside for a wander and then just have to interrupt us.

I get their world is small but I just want to be left alone to do what I need to.

It is ruining any enjoyment I could potentially have if I ever actually got to use my garden instead of avoiding being out there at all.

I need to tidy up after the high winds. Managed to be out for 10 minutes max before they appeared so I've come in for a cuppa.

Grow tomatoes. Remind DH that peeing on tomatoes makes them grow really well. Lock the bathroom so he has to go out and pee on the tomatoes.

If that doesn't work tell DH that they need fertiliser as well....

If that doesn't work get the kids to help both you and DH.

I'm actually a really impatient, intolerant person by nature. But I went through the hardest year of my life a couple of years ago and when I emerged on the other side, I had a re-think about the amount of resentment, irritation and general negativity I carried around with me. I just decided to let that go, since the only person it made upset was me. I've been a lot happier since then.

Mocking people online (or IRL) who don't share your negative, closed world view as "live laugh love" types doesn't put them down, it makes you look unpleasant.

@RandomMess - I have no idea what age these neighbours are but I'm guessing that Bob is nearing/at/already reached retirement age, am I right? It just doesn't sound like the type of thing a 30-something neighbour might do but I'm open to being corrected on that.

Anyway, if they are retired, what I would suggest that you do is go to your local community centre and gather up as many flyers as you can for whatever is being run there (within reason), perhaps go to the local church too, and library. I don't know if there is a Neighbourhood Watch scheme that the neighbours look out for each other (usually out the front) and can report concerns to the Police. Each time Bob pops out, you pop in and bring out one, and only one, flyer for something that you 'saw' that you thought Bob might be interested in. Every single time. One flyer per time. By the time you've handed over 5 flyers, or passed on the information about the neighbourhood watch scheme, he'll either be so frustrated at being handed flyers he won't be interested in popping out any more or he'll be busy doing one of the things you suggested! (I would hope)

Sorry @Elektra1 but sometimes being nice comes at quite a high price. My previous neighbours couldn't take a hint, then when I got really annoyed they couldn't take me being more blatant about dodging them. I have lovely neighbours now, we say hello and chat every now and then and solve any problems between us, what we don't do is try and involve ourselves in every part of their lives. Just because you have the house next door doesn't make you family

@RandomMess I can’t picture your set up very easily but we have long, narrow wooden planters with bamboo in to add screening to our boundary fence. It would absolutely not blow over, it weight a ton. Looks nice, too. Do NOT plant bamboo into the ground unless you live a jungle vibe.

When he appears could you say in a semi lighthearted way, ‘Gosh Bob, are you watching me? Feels a bit like it.’ And repeat regularly. He’s obviously impervious to hints so a more straightforward approach is needed. No need to be rude, just clear that you don’t need company. ‘Sorry Bob, I’m up against it time wise so I’ll have to get on with this,’ headphones on and pointedly ignore.

If he has legitimate reasons for wanting to talk, like his other neighbours then say something like,’ Bob, I can’t talk right now but I have half an hour on Wednesday so let’s catch up with everything then’.

Hopefully in time you can engineer a time when you don’t mind chatting and he might leave you in peace a bit more.

An alternative would be to go out into the garden wearing headphones/ear buds and pretend your talking on a phone call. Have your phone on silent and if you feel that you're getting a call, tell the 'fake' person, you have to go because you've got another call coming in. He can't talk to you if you're already talking to someone else and he won't know that you're not talking to someone if you walk out into your garden already pretending you're talking to someone (if you get me). You could even do a gesture, if he is looking to speak with you, as if to say "Just a moment - I'm on a call" or point to your earbuds.

So how about after 5 minutes of chat you say 'Right Bob- I need to get on with some work or I'm not going to have time to finish this so I'm afraid that's our chat for today.'
Or 'Right Bob, I'm going to sit and relax and listen to my book through my ear pads now. See you soon.'

Give one word answers and don't make any conversation. I have a neighbour that I had to do this with. They eventually got the message

We have exactly the opposite with our ndn's
As soon as they knew dh had terminal cancer they refuse to speak to us.
I guess it says more about them than me..

It's a suffocating feeling isn't it. I need to have high fences or hedges now. It's happened to me a few times with neighbours like that, and then one who lived above me who could hear when I was home so would knock on the door.
I hated the feeling of being observed and thought about so much.

Would it help to have a stock phrase to say every time so you don't have to think about how to engage?

Like 'Sorry Peter/Jane, I'm really not in the mood for chatting. Would you mind giving me some space?'
Unless they're absolute psychopaths they'll say oh sorry of course!
If they come back later, just keep repeating 'I'm not in the mood for chatting', or, 'I need some space', smile and just don't respond to whatever they're asking about.

But it depends on the neighbours. If I lived next door to a kind, gentle old man whose wife had died, I'd go out of my way to cheer him up. But just because someone is lonely that doesn't mean they are good. Some are nice, others are rude, selfish, intrusive or downright sinister.

exhausting, just move.

Oh great you’re there! Can you look at this for me, do you think it’s scabies/chicken pox/monkey pox/etc

We viewed a house and as soon as we parked a neighbour came out wagging a finger.

Needless to say we didn’t buy that one.

Move house?

@RandomMess All you said I could see what you handle it. And you shut down conversations. But this is different to going. "Hi X. You don't mind but I want to spend time in the garden having some quiet time without chatting, as i have a very intensive job. " or just "can't chat right now. I'm super tired and having a relax." etc.

You don't say you are saying anything direct like that to them. I know it's hard and horrible and might offend them once. But if they are ignoring that then you have a right to be more pissed off with them. I do see it's annoying. But you haven't stated how direct you ave been. I think it should be possible without being rude. Otherwise this is going to build and build. I used to have an obsessive tidy neighbour who would wait for me with pruning shears in hand. I used to laugh and ignore him in a friendly kind of way. Yes it did really annoy me.

We have similar with our neighbours, both sides though.

The ones on the one side have young children who climb on things in their garden to look over the fence and constantly ask what are you doing? Why? can we come over to your garden? When they have visitors they stand at the higher part of the garden(a slight slope) and they look over and point out things that they like or are new since they were last over. They are quite loud so we hear them commenting things like Oh I like those stepping stones. That arch wasn't there last time I came was it? Do you know what they have in the summer house? We have been doing the garden out so painting, built a summer house, new paving, flowerbeds etc. We put a hedge on that side all the way down. It is nearly the height of the 6 ft fence so should block off their view in a couple more summers.

The neighbours on the other side are funny. Whenever I go to the shed to get the lawnmower out for example, within 10 minutes they will be in their garden doing the same job. When we painted our new summerhouse a certain colour, a few weeks later, he was painting their shed the same colour. We have seen on occasions both him and his wife in the upstairs window pointing at our garden when we have been doing something. The awkward time was when I was sorting out the flowerbed down that side of the garden. It s a 4 ft fence and he got his spade and started working on his flowerbed the other side of the fence directly in line with me.

They are the same out the front too. When I decide to wash my car he comes out and starts washing his. When I wash the windows he does the same. When we jet wash the driveway he jet washes his.

We actually find it funny now and guess the number we count too until he comes out. He only ever says hello though, no conversations. He also gives us a card at Christmas and Easter. I have planted quick growing shrubs on that side so hopefully we will be completely covered both sides. We have bought large parasols to cover the main spots when they look out the upstairs window. Not much we can do out the front though.

Wait what? Who is being negative? Letting things go also means not pandering to others at the detriment of your time & peace...

No one is looking to be "unpleasant" it's quite the opposite actually & yet much of the advice has been on here say this, say that, do this, do that, the OP shouldn't have to or would even have to consider if her neighbour had some self awareness so like I said upthread you become the rude person you never would have been

The ‘we cannot have fences” rules is going to have be sorted out. Come on. Put in 2m fences that can easily be bolted into concrete. A decent fencing contractor will resolve this for you. The problem neighbours will disappear. Be sensible, this can be fixed. Stop behaving like victims and be a bit assertive.

@Plmnki if we put fences on the concrete along the driveway we can no long put a car on our driveway! Or if we manage to squeeze a car in then you can’t open the door to get out.

Plus you can't put 2m high fences outside the front of the house. So as I have already explained it would look shit and compromise how we can use our property and as we cannot legally fence the other side we wouldn't even have an enclosed garden.

My AIBU was about not wanting my neigbours to be intrusive. It wasn't "please find me a solution that will mean I can no longer use my driveway & garage or means wearing headphone slim my garden and using sign language with DH"

The majority seem to agree that I am NOT being unreasonable to not want them to be intrusive which was my actual question.

Personally, I'd be down the garden centre investing in some hedging (or even bamboo but in planters only) immediately. I couldn't put up with that. Other than that, all I can suggest is saying hello and then firmly telling them you have to get on, turning your back and just answering in one word answers until they fuck off. You'll have to rude it out. I'd have a gazebo with the side on or a sail awning or willow/hazel screens -anything and everything it more difficult for them to see you. Front garden is going to be more difficult obviously, but the back you should be able to make more private.

Other than that, I'd move. Honestly. I'd be miserable.

If none of solutions suits you then you have to speak to them. Or move house.

As hard as it is, I think you must be direct: "We really don't want to talk right now.. We'd just like to be private in the garden. Thank you".

The only solutions I can see you have are either

a) politely tell the neighbour you are too busy to talk or not really in a talkative mood or telling them you like your privacy in the back garden.
b) screen off their viewpoints somehow if you cannot put up a fence or plant a hedge in the ground, find another way to screen like those sail things or parasols or potted tall plants to obscure areas of your garden.

When it began happening to us, it was really annoying. However when we looked at the bigger picture, the neighbours we have don't cause us any bother. They are not rowdy or the nightmare ones we have read about on here. We've never had a cross word with either side. We say hello whenever we see each other in passing. Soon they won't be able to look over the back garden fences because of the planting we have put in. I love my privacy in the back garden. We have been working hard over the last few years to take it from the blank canvas it was to the flower filled garden we now have. It is a big transformation so I guess that they are just interested in it. The front garden will be worked on later this year or next year, so we will probably have the same thing happen out there, especially as the back garden will be screened from view. There is not much I can do about them looking over from the upstairs windows other than the parasols over the seating areas.