To want to go in my garden without my neighbours being intrusive

[RandomMess]

As soon as the neighbours spot either of us put in either our front or back garden they mysteriously need to come outside for a wander and then just have to interrupt us.

I get their world is small but I just want to be left alone to do what I need to.

It is ruining any enjoyment I could potentially have if I ever actually got to use my garden instead of avoiding being out there at all.

I need to tidy up after the high winds. Managed to be out for 10 minutes max before they appeared so I've come in for a cuppa.

@AGovernmentOfLawsNotOfMen

In the deeds we have the right of way over each others properties at the back so no fence/wall can currently be put up.

On the non-attached side with the "lonely" neighbours we could put in a fence along the driveway to include 50% of the back garden BUT it would make the driveway too narrow for a car as a 1960 build it's very narrow already, most work vans can't park on it already.

The other 50% - well think collapsed railway embankment with bushes trying to kill you. A diagram would make it look "normal" as it doesn't reflect the terrain.

Thank you @RandomMess , lovely house name. I've seen you give a lot of sensible advice on here for ages but when it's your problem it's different. Your neighbours are obviously bored and live very small lives so sadly you're the entertainment. My pain in the arse neighbours were basically quite nice but yours are not- I know it's hard but they're being very rude so maybe it's time you played them at their own game - could you find it in yourself to be just as rude back? If you were very blunt and said what's it to do with you maybe they'd leave you alone.

@Daleksatemyshed

I just find it overwhelming to deal with sometimes, I'm ND and especially with menopause and a job I hate so I am just exhausted so often.

They are fundamentally ok neighbours and if I my social battery were stronger I could bat them back every time with a smile and it be water of a ducks back.

I just wish I didn't have to do the batting back because they didn't the coming out nearly every time thing in the first place.

Their attached neighbours also used to sit out the front all day everyday in decent weather but even though they didn't like (the horrible) man the lady was lovely. They used to sit and chat the day away. They died so now they appear lonelier than ever.

It may have been mentioned, but instead of planting a hedge, plant a few Leylandii, quick growing and dense.

You can attach trellis to whatever already divides your garden. If it’s a 4 ft fence you place the trellis about 1 foot from the top. If you have a wall dividing you can attach trellis to the top. Evergreen honeysuckle will cover it in a summer.
If you and DH are working outside just sate what you’re doing, hi just sorting x out, can’t stop. DH, you grab that bit and I’ll do that. If neighbour interrupts you and DH just discuss imaginary people as if they’re your nearest and dearest.

You’re allowed to be rude. Sound like my neighbours, they now hate us and think I’m wicked. I refuse to deal with their bullshit and they are so shocked by it, I must be evil. But now they blank me and I them. Win win.

Till you get a fence I'd do this too. I have also used the phrase "don't let me keep you I am sure we both have LOADS to do" If they are complaining about your reasonable behaviour then I'd be refusing to discuss it.

I have neighbours like this. I know they mean no harm, they are lovely people but they watch our every move. I'm so relieved when I see them go out as it means I can go outside and get in the car without a 20 minute conversation about nothing 🤦🏻‍♀️

This would wind me up too! How about you start getting ‘headaches’ and need fresh air but really not up to chatting… or perhaps you’re just ‘processing some news’ and not up for chatting… It’s so hard because obvs you want to be on good terms but have a right to privacy on your property!

Be cold and distant. Wear earphones, and if they try and catch your attention make a big thing about having to stop and remove them from your ears – make it clear they're interrupting you.

If that doesn't work, be slightly rude ("sorry...just want to finish this book while I've got some time," then carry on reading and don't look up).

If that doesn't work, really lay it on the line. "Could you stop interrupting us every time when come into the garden please. I'm happy to chat now and then, but we want some privacy"

The selfishness is staggering. They're just using you for a bit of entertainment. I've had so many neighbours like this. One used to appear literally every time I went into the garden. I'd see his head bobbing up and down as he tried to see if we were outside, then you'd hear the door. He was one of those unbearable people who think they're funny when they're not and keep making stupid little jokes. I was reading in the garden once and he came outside and just stood there with a stupid big grin as if to say "lucky you, I'm here now." I was so angry I just ignored him. He carried on standing there, and then said "what are you reading" I said "a book," and didn't look up. Thankfully he got the message and f-d off indoors, no doubt thinking I was out of order.

The guy opposite is now retired and bored. He's constantly walking his dog, and never has it on a lead. Naturally the dog (who I am pleased to see, unlike most of my human neighbours!) runs up people's drives. He's then got an excuse to pursue it and talk to you. (We had another neighbour who used precisely the same trick.) This man is slow, thick and boring. His only interest in life is cars (which I have minus zero interest in), and he just talks at me in a slow, boring voice about Formula One, or who he had a go at in a shop (he's one of those men who enjoys bullying and yelling at shop assistants and nurses because he knows they can't retaliate) for as long as he wants. I go out of my way to be as rude as possible to him now. I'm sick of it. He couldn't care less if I'm in a rush. So long as he can amuse himself for ten minutes, that's all that matters.

I've been seeing 'be kind' popping back up on here at a worrying rate; I thought that phrase was dead and buried alongside banging fekking saucepans for the NHS.

I, nor the OP, do not owe anyone 'kind', especially not from the comfort of our own gardens. A five minute chat to you might be five minutes precious peace to me.

@bostonchamps Wow. You sound charming.

So really you're struggling with some really trying issues and the neighbours are just the icing on the cake? Maybe if you could get some peace of mind they wouldn't seem so bad- is there no way you can change your job if you hate it?

They sound like my old neighbours! It was incredibly annoying dreading going into my own front garden.

Having a quick chat was fine but they’d question EVERYTHING I was doing including my romantic life, how many deliveries I got, how many wine bottles were in my recycling etc. It was draining.

I did just stop engaging with them entirely and it worked pretty quickly. Went with the don’t engaged & don’t explain route! They started to pester the other side inside.

@YourHappyJadeEagle there is NOTHING dividing our gardens or between our houses and we can't easily put anything there. Very unusual layout of the street and I don't mind that it's open, I don't mind chatting with them and closing it down. I don't mind them purposely coming out pretty much every time we go outside and they see us.

Sadly they only go out once a week!

@Daleksatemyshed they annoyed me just as much in my previous role tbh. I was able to be more tolerant though 😂

They irritate DH too, and all the DC 🤣

After spending 20+ years in the SE where people and neighbours were less friendly it came as a culture shock moving back "up North".

I had clearly assimilated to being more south eastern.

I am going to guess they were always like this. I am retired and live between retired neighbours. None of us are young. We all have our own busy lives, smile and chat when we meet but we don't pounce on people.

@Elektra1 I also owe nobody charming

As laboriously discussed back in 2022, 'be kind' is just a phrase thrown around to deflect from other's poor behaviour, or virtue signal.

OP I do understand how annoying this is, we have similar albeit we live in a flat. I just grey rock now, every time one of them comments on us going out again (how dare we), or asking what's in my shopping bag this time (sorry didn't realise I had to run all purchases past you Sandra). It's all asked 'kindly' but I just don't want to tell you, nor am I required to.

Wearing visible earbuds works for me,

@godmum56 quite possibly but I don't have any hobbies or many local friends so if I retire I would be stuck at home and craving human interaction.

I think I will be working part time for a long time to come!

absolutely @bostonchamps I'm sick of others having to accommodate the few who obviously are oblivious to how theday has been, these few moments in the garden might be respite for god knows what? But NOPE! BeKind to everyone, just god forbid not yourself

I wasn't around for this debate in 2022 but being kind is just something easy to do that makes everyone's lives more pleasant. I'm sorry that you are living in a state of determining what you do or do not "owe" others. No one owes anyone anything, really, but it costs nothing to be nice and quite often, doing so makes you feel better.

Stop responding if they ask. Nod politely if you must. Pretend to have earphones in. But stop responding. Grey rock

@Elektra1 I'm not going to derail the OPs thread with this any more, but it does cost something as @Scorchio84 points out; my happiness, mental health and peace and quiet. Four things of huge value to me.

So I'll carry on not pandering to every single person I meet's wants and needs and you carry on living, laughing and loving.